We all know that I am not ashamed to admit that occasionally (okay almost daily) I want to tell my children to just shut the f**k up, but what about the other things that many mothers really are afraid to mention or talk about? You know the things you swore you would NEVER say or do during your BTBC (before the brats came) years?
I remember once during my BTBC days I was a restaurant with the guy who is now the father of our eight brats monkeys and there was this child who causing quite the fuss. He couldn’t have been more than 2 years old, was probably tired, hungry, bored (or maybe he really was trying to tell his parents to get him the hell out of the place), anyway he was loud and crying and I remember commenting that when I became a parent I would NEVER bring my child to a restaurant – no way!
HA! Now I am the parent who marches into restaurants with eight children trailing behind me as I bellow out my drink order before I even have a chance to sit down! That said here are some confessions I will admit to you things I never thought I the MOTHER would ever do, say or even think.
Dropped a baby (yikes!). When Joshua was born he had severe jaundice and was allowed home on the condition that he transform into a glow worm. Well really it was a portable light machine that he had to have every 4 hours or something like that. Anyway, he was breastfeeding while attached to the glow worm and he fell asleep (don’t we wish they would do that when they get older and have a boob in their face and we are just too damn tired?) I then fell asleep but not for long – I was suddenly jolted awake by a pulling sensation. My one week old baby had fallen off me! Thankfully he never made it to the floor because the tubes and wires that he was hooked up to simply left him hanging!
I have fallen while holding a baby and managed to get a nasty looking face and a concussion. The baby? He just got a little bump and some extra hugs and kisses from me, the guilty mama.
Let my children eat ice cream (well it is a dairy product), popsicles, freezies and other junk food for breakfast.
I often hide out in the bathroom, lock the door and eat secret treats (like chocolate bars, special ice cream bars etc..) that I have bought, so my children don’t know we have them in the house. I feel like such a bitch but enjoy every minute of it.
Told them that a certain place they wanted to go to was closed because I really didn’t want to take them.
I hate birthday parties but for some reason I always want to be the one that has the “best loot bags.” For years I would crochet beautiful hats and purses for my daughters loot bags – it would take me a long time but I didn’t care – I liked the attention, and my daughter ALWAYS had the best loot bags. Can you say OCD?
The only thing I bake is cupcakes. I buy things from the store and then place it all on a pretty plate and pass it off as something I made myself. For those of you who say you’ve never done this I say bullshit.
I have wiped up spilled juice, milk or whatever the hell has spilled on my kitchen floor with my dirty sock that is on my dirty foot.
Sometimes I dream I have only a few children.
I have wiped snot off my children’s face with my sleeve because even though I have as many children as I do, I never have Kleenex. Ever.
When mothers who have half the amount of children I do (or less) complain to me about how busy and tired they are I want to tell them to shut the f**k up! Come over to my house for just a few minutes. Snort.
I have sent sick children to school because I didn’t want to deal with them all day.
Once after all my children were sent off to school I danced around my house screaming “I am free” then I had a drink. It wasn’t that early.
I have wacked my head, killed my knees and squirmed around the floor in attempts to not wake a sleeping child just so the bloody tooth fairy could leave the
brat precious child some money!
I hate the tooth fairy and fantasize about how I can kill her and have my children believe that she really died due to some sort of accident.
I don’t like PD days. I hate them.
To those parents that profess about the wonderful things they do with their children each and every day and how wonderful their lives are and how perfect their little
spawns from hell kiddies are – I don’t buy it at all.
I have told my husband I had my period when I didn’t – just to get out of having sex.
I don’t make my children shower or bathe every day.
I have let my children wear dirty clothes because I was too tired or lazy (maybe both) to go searching for clean clothes because I was behind on the never ending laundry.
I have purposely woken up my babies in the wee hours of the night just so I can hold them.
Four of my children were conceived while using birth control. Why on earth did the Big guy think I could handle all this? I must have been really nasty in a former life!
I have cried alone in the shower, in a closet, in a locked bathroom and wished my life wasn’t at times so damn overwhelming.
My list could go on and on but now it’s your turn. Go on I won’t bite (at least not that hard) What are some things you believed you would never think, say or do BTBC days but have done now that you are a parent?
Until next time,