Sometimes it’s hard to do this by myself.
Sometimes, most of the time, I can’t imagine doing this parenting thing with another person. Relinquishing control would be too hard on me. Sometimes I’m grateful to not have a relationship on top of the mother to son one.
But on days like today, when I feel like I have no control, a partner to share the burden of trying not to screw this kid up royally would be really welcome.
So now, after an exhausting day of tears and words that we can’t take back, I’m going to go lie with him while he sleeps. When he’s sleeping, he can’t tell me I’m a terrible mother. I can just take in his breathing and his peacefulness.
Tomorrow. Tomorrow, I’ll try it all over again.