As I sat down to write this yesterday afternoon, the interbews were afire with this dreadful news of the elementary school shooting in Connecticut that has claimed 26 lives, mostly children. My heart feels broken. I will not look at the tv right now, for my head will surely explode.
I’ve been mostly keeping to myself, riding the waves of sadness that have been rocking our house since Martin’s mother passed away a few weeks ago… it’s been in the forefront of my brain, of course, and I’ve actually not had a whole lot to say. The thing about grief is, it’s a process. I reckon it’s different for everyone, but sorrow is sorrow, even when you were anticipating the end of the life of someone you love… it is still so final when it happens, and the feeling can be crushing.
It is exhausting to feel all these feelings. And it’s hard to be a pleaser who can do nothing to please anyone for the moment, but just endure things and… wait. Makes a person feel rather useless. And a bit lonely. I know things will improve with time though.
But I came out of my bubble earlier this week, and realised that Christmas is (was) two weeks away, and I’ve done nothing to prepare. Nothing, I tell you.
My kids have been asking me, longingly, if we might get a tree soon? And are the decorations very far away? “We could help you bring the boxes upstairs so you don’t have to do it all, if you’re tired…” Uch. These poor little kids.
My head is just full of lists right now.
Indeed, where are the candy canes? And what of the cookies and gingerbread houses and such? Shouldn’t someone be buying some presents and things? Do we have wrapping paper? There’s that school gift exchange… who’s the kid? Gotta get something for that. And stuff for that food drive, too. Do I have to make cupcakes for that school party? And isn’t there a BIRTHDAY party this weekend? Or right – two of them, overlapping… Maybe I should put out a bowl of nuts or something? Clementines – add them to the grocery list. And horseradish. and pancetta. And sour cream. Oh, and have that thing to that freaking store across town return before I get stuck with a credit note…
I hung a wreath on a mirror… this is a good start. I might even break out the black feather boas in a little while.
I’m glad to have these little people to make Christmas for, with the foods and the stuff, with as much cheer as we can all muster. Because we must. I will find my smile, and get ‘er all done.
. . .
Peace on Earth, y’all. Hold your people close. Find your smile.