I’ve been mostly keeping to myself, riding the waves of sadness that have been rocking our house since Martin’s mother passed away a few weeks ago… it’s been in the forefront of my brain, of course, and I’ve actually not had a whole lot to say. The thing about grief is, it’s a process. I reckon it’s different for everyone, but sorrow is sorrow, even when you were anticipating the end of the life of someone you love… it is still so final when it happens, and the feeling can be crushing.
It is exhausting to feel all these feelings. And it’s hard to be a pleaser who can do nothing to please anyone for the moment, but just endure things and… wait. Makes a person feel rather useless. And a bit lonely. I know things will improve with time though.
But I came out of my bubble earlier this week, and realised that Christmas is (was) two weeks away, and I’ve done nothing to prepare. Nothing, I tell you.
My kids have been asking me, longingly, if we might get a tree soon? And are the decorations very far away? “We could help you bring the boxes upstairs so you don’t have to do it all, if you’re tired…” Uch. These poor little kids.
My head is just full of lists right now.
Indeed, where are the candy canes? And what of the cookies and gingerbread houses and such? Shouldn’t someone be buying some presents and things? Do we have wrapping paper? There’s that school gift exchange… who’s the kid? Gotta get something for that. And stuff for that food drive, too. Do I have to make cupcakes for that school party? And isn’t there a BIRTHDAY party this weekend? Or right – two of them, overlapping… Maybe I should put out a bowl of nuts or something? Clementines – add them to the grocery list. And horseradish. and pancetta. And sour cream. Oh, and have that thing to that freaking store across town return before I get stuck with a credit note…
I hung a wreath on a mirror… this is a good start. I might even break out the black feather boas in a little while.
I’m glad to have these little people to make Christmas for, with the foods and the stuff, with as much cheer as we can all muster. Because we must. I will find my smile, and get ‘er all done.
. . .
As I sat down to write this yesterday afternoon, the interbews were afire with this dreadful news of the elementary school shooting in Connecticut that has claimed 26 lives, mostly children. My heart feels broken. I will not look at the tv right now, for my head will surely explode.
Perspective.
Peace on Earth, y’all. Hold your people close. Find your smile.
things were quiet and i was fearing the worst. you were there for her in her final days and i’m sure she was grateful for that…hugs…
Ah, sweetie. I’m sorry for this. Sometimes it’s hard to force a smile when your eyes are shining with tears, but I think you’re like me in that the doing is good, and helpful, and of course, our kids will do their level best to drag those smiles out of us anyhow, wonderful things they are. I hope it gets easier, honey.
Thanks for the hugs, my friend… and I know you lost someone you loved this year, too… may you all have peace and joy in your hearts this Christmas, Christine. We have to celebrate the good. Always. xoxoxo
Aw Tracey, I’m so sorry for your loss. You are right – children force us to go on.
My Nana died of a massive stroke on Christmas Eve of 2002. Cuyler was 6 weeks old Cam was a year and a half. There was so much sadness surrounding us but I wanted our first Christmas with Cuyler to be joyous.
Like you, we are preparing for our first Christmas with a piece of the family missing. I get weepy as I think of the empty chair at dinner, or one less to buy for this year. Then I see the light in the kids eyes as they talk about Santa, write their lists, rearrange the ornaments on the tree and the count the presents under it and I’m reminded of the magic that surrounds Christmas is about them.
So I’m holding my little ones (and my big guy) close and we will celebrate the season.
((hugs)) to you, my friend xoxo