Christmas is coming and guess what, friends? It’s bringing a lot of feelings along for the ride. Forget swans, golden rings, and maids-a-milking—here’s the list you really need to help process your emotions this holiday season.
Ahhhh, guys, Christmas is coming! There’s so much to look forward to. The lights and decorations, the tree, all the parties with friends and neighbours, the local parade, the Christmas markets, the baking, the adorable little concerts at your kids’ school, the family gatherings, the presents…there is so much goodness ahead. This truly is the most wonderful time of the year. It’s magical.
But wait—I’m the one who makes the magic happen around here. Oh my shit, there is SO MUCH TO DO. When am I going to find time to bake all these cookies, decorate everything and buy all of these presents? Damn, this is going to be expensive, too. Do I have a holiday-appropriate dress that isn’t super dated? Does it still fit me? OMG, I hope the kids don’t ask for a Fingerling or one of those giant, expensive balls full of plastic toys. It’s basically game over if that happens.
It’s going to be fine. It’s going to be fine. I love the holidays. Everyone loves the holidays. The holidays are the best. Let’s just put on a Christmas album, pour some Bailey’s in a mug and do this. Yeah! Everything is going to be just great. Oooh, is that snow outside?!
ARE YOU KIDDING ME HOW IS THE MALL SO BUSY ALREADY IT’S 9:02 A.M. ON A TUESDAY IN NOVEMBER. Deep breaths, in and out. Get some coffee and handle it. OMG, NO, AS IF THAT WOMAN IS BUYING SIX UNICORN FINGERLINGS, SHE IS DEFINITELY GOING TO SELL THOSE ON FACEBOOK FOR 3X THE ORIGINAL PRICE. People are horrible. Forget this—it’s time to go home and hit up Amazon, where you can shop without human interaction. Goodbye, suckers!
Oh my god, the Internet has so many tiny, ugly Christmas sweaters for children. Let’s buy them all! This is the greatest day ever. Do they make these for cats? YES. Of course, they do. Awesome.
It’s Christmas concert day and oh man, the kids are all so cute. I don’t even care how many consecutive years I have to hear an off-key version of Little Toy Trains—it will never not be adorable. As I tuck them into bed tonight, my heart will be extra full. Those kids really are the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Just watching them decorate a gingerbread house is enough to make my heart explode. I can’t wait to see their faces when they open their presents on Christmas Day. Christmas is the best!
Christmas is the WORST. My credit card bill is so high, and I haven’t even finished shopping! Did I get teacher gifts yet? And something for that Secret Santa luncheon at work? There are so many events and I’m running out of motivation to be social (even with wine). Ugh, and we have to go to that one party where that obnoxious relative will be there and dammit, did I get a gift for that December birthday that fell completely off my radar AGAIN? I didn’t, did I? I should go to the 24-hour pharmacy to get a gift card and some chocolates before I forget again. And also something lavender-scented, to calm my nerves.
Christmas is great again. How many parties do you think one person can attend in a single week? If you drink enough wine at each of them, you won’t be able to keep track but damn…you’ll have a good time. Pro tip: do not attempt to wrap presents after a night of imbibing festive cocktails. It may seem like a good idea but trust me, it’s not. Don’t do it.
Christmas is almost here and I’m ready. The lists have been triple-checked and we’re good. The house is clean and looks pretty festive, the calendar is organized, the cookies are baked and the presents are under the tree. Everything is awesome! I should definitely lay back on the couch and enjoy this moment of Zen before it evaporates ten seconds from now when I remember “one more thing” I have to do. Where did that wine go?
OMG, I CANNOT WAIT FOR THE KIDS TO OPEN THEIR PRESENTS. Christmas is all about kids and magic and creating memories as a family. I can’t wait to create some magical effing memories with my children. Morning can’t come soon enough!
It’s finally Christmas! Yay! LOOK HOW HAPPY THE KIDS ARE OMG EVERYTHING WAS WORTH IT. This is the greatest feeling in the world. I don’t care how crazy the past month has been—I love the holidays. I will do this every year for the rest of my life. Pass the cinnamon buns and a coffee. I am going to stay in my robe until 3 pm, soaking in this wonderful day. I can’t wait to eat my weight in stuffing later. WE SHOULD GO CAROLING!
Are we done? Is it over? Wow, that happened fast. So, can I sleep for 14 hours now, please? That’s all I really want for Christmas, honestly—a good, long sleep. See you in the New Year…