Dear Mom,
It’s been nearly three years now since our last, wonderful Christmas together. The best of the best, as you called it. This year, the whole family will be together again. But without you. It’s going to bring back a lot of memories. It’s going to be wonderful and festive and joyful. And there’s going to be a huge hole. A hole you would have filled with your presence, your love, your calm and nurturing spirit. My sisters and I will try to fill the gaps…Dad will too…but we know that it’s not the same.
When we open our Christmas crackers and wear our silly hats, we will think of you and we will say, “Mom would have laughed so much”. When the grandchildren play, and giggle and even when they bicker, we will think of you and we will whisper, “Mom would have loved this so much”. When the newest member of the family celebrates his first birthday a few days later, we will think of you and we will know, “Mom would have loved him so much”.
Oh Mom, I want you to be here so much. For Dad, for your grandchildren, for us girls, for me. But most of all, I wish you could still be here for you. Because you loved everything and everyone in your life so much. With such a pure generosity of spirit. I know you would have loved this Christmas season very, very much too.
And Mom…so much has changed in my life, and I want to tell you about it! During your last days, I was going through what ended up being one of the worst periods of my life. I look back now with regret and fear that you might have been — during those last painful days and weeks — worried about me. About how I would cope. About what would happen to me. And I just wish so much that I could tell you about it. About how my life’s wheel has turned full circle and I now find myself back up on top again.
I wish I could tell you how your fight with cancer brought me the biggest reality check EVER, and how I took those tough, tough lessons to heart. I wish I could tell you that I vowed, after you died, never to waste another year, month, day or hour of my life. How I fought bitterly and bravely for what I wanted and needed in my life, and how I won that struggle.
I wish I could tell you that I’m back teaching, and that I love every last stressful, joyful and busy second of it. That I work with a wonderful group of dedicated people whose company I enjoy immensely. How I find such satisfaction and humour in the little children whose minds are entrusted to me every day.
I wish I could tell you that my girls are doing so well now. So brave, so strong, so smart! They are growing up well, and happy. They still miss you a lot, but they (and I) have learned to go on. They (and I) know that the best way to honour your memory is to carry on and have a good life. A happy life.
I wish I could tell you that that is exactly what I have now. A good life — a happy life. Because I know you would be happy to hear it. I wish, wish, wish so badly that you could be here again, even if only so that I could let you know…I am okay. I am better than okay. I made it through.
Ahh, Mom. If only…if only. I love you.
Love,
me
My mother is 85, and has been, up until recently, very active and ‘with it’. In the past year there has been a noticeable decline, and I feel such anxiety knowing that this is the start of the end. This slide may (hopefully) take years to reach bottom, but there is still such a sense of losing her. I’m so thankful that my daughter and I get to live with her, and that my daughter has truly gotten to know her Nana. Your words will resonate in my mind this holiday season, as I appreciate how much enjoyment my mom gets from family, my child – life.
I lost my father just over a year ago to cancer and a few months before he died I had some struggles also that I know worried him but I hope that my reassurances eased his mind. Your mom was a strong woman and I’m sure she knew you would find your way, and that’s a great legacy for her to be remembered by. What strong daughters she raised! Try to take solace in that as you gather this holiday season.
Oh, Leslie, thank you! That’s the best compliment of all 🙂
Thanks Chantal. That was one of the gifts we had…the time to appreciate each other so fully before my Mom passed away. It’s important to remember to do it every day.
Thank you Tracey, I plan to! Being with family is how the holidays are meant to be spent, n’est-ce pas?
Thanks Nancy. I will take your words to heart.
Thank you Carol! Wishing you and your girls a wonderful holiday as well.
Thanks Sara, thinking of you and your family this Christmas too. Will is at that magical age…enjoy it!
Hugs! See you soon (and we can talk about maturing and aging over a well-aged bottle of vino, as Mom would have loved too!) xoxo
Thank you Jen, I appreciate your kind words. There’s something special and wonderful about groups of sisters, right?
Thank you, Erin. You are part of that family tree, too. Can’t wait to see you soon!
Ahh, Karri, thank you! You are truly a kind and wonderful friend.
This letter has left me weepy and lost for words. Clearly your mothers wisdom has been passed down the line in all three of you sisters. You have a strong, smart, good humoured and loving family. Your mother is never far away…..just take a look in the mirror…..any one of you:)
wow what a beautiful beautiful letter Kathy – made me stop and think about enjoying every single minute of the day and appreciating what I have right now. thanks for that.
Thanks Kath. This is written so beautifully and tells so much of what I have been feeling as well. I can’t wait to see you all at Christmas but am also aware of what we are always missing. Love you xoxo
Kath…this is a wonderful post and a good reminder to cherish those special moments with family. Thank you for sharing such personal and touching thoughts with us. Hugs to you all.
I love this so much… lovely letter, lady. Enjoy the holidays with your family, recalling times past, and creating new memories. Enjoy it all! xox
Beautiful Kath
I think your mom knows all of this and that you are “back on top again”. She is proud of you, I am sure.
Oh Katherine what a lovely heartfelt post. I’m so happy that you and your sisters will be together this holiday to celebrate. Never forget that your mother’s voice and wisdom lives on through you and your sisters.
Kath – so beautiful. So so beautiful.
And I relate to it so much. Especially the part about wishing she was here for her…I think of that so often.
Enjoy the amazing Christmas with your family – and celebrate what she built.
Oh Kath. I was thinking about this the other day and fondly remember the amazing Christmas we had with her before she died. I have also been thinking a lot about how much has changed and how much I would love to be able to tell her, ask her and just be with her. Since turning 40 I think of her often and how I would love to say “I see you in a way I never did before!” and talk about maturing and growing. I guess we’ll just have to depend on each other for that.
Plus, having her youngest grandchildren staying with us and seeing my kids with them makes my heart ache for what she is missing.
I love what your friend said on Facebook: you never stop being a child as long as you have a mother to go home to….and when they are gone its hard to grow up overnight.
I totally relate to this.
xo
Kath, though I know it doesn’t at all make up for not having the physical ‘her,’ she does know. Her spirit gave you the strength you needed, and she knows that you succeeded — by yourself, but with that support from her and from your family and friends.
Such a beautiful letter, Kath. As other commenters said, your mom left some pretty amazing apples from her tree behind. I’m so glad you’ll all be together this holiday season celebrating family, celebrating life, celebrating your mother.
*sniff*
Beautiful and poignant words.
You are a strong and nurturing woman, just like she was. As Karri said, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
I love you too. I’m looking forward to seeing you and the girls over the holidays.
xoxo
:*(
I love you. I think you are brave, vulnerable, incredibly strong, flexible, nurturing, smart, clear, self-aware, and generous.
Sounds like the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
Your two sweet girls will one day (in the very distant future) think, and probably write similar things about you, because you will be to them, what your mother is to you.
Kudos and congrats to you (although that might sound odd) for being open to all that she had to offer from her life here on Earth, as well as the memories and lessons that continue to influence and inform your choices, now. Not everyone is able to accept and act on those things. And not everyone will model that skill, or pass that gift to their children. You have done both, and I dare say that nothing would make your mother more proud.