The truth is, I don’t know. The story of our relationship isn’t written yet. I suspect it has about as good a chance as any marriage. Couples break up because of basic personality conflicts, stress over money, work or kids, cheating, or simply falling out of love. Having an open marriage is no more a death sentence for our love than having a baby was. Some couples break up when a new element is introduced into their marriage while others don’t. It’s a simple as that.
I know couples who never strayed from faithfulness and still ended up in divorce. I know couples that blame their breakup on swinging. I know acquaintances of my parents who really enjoyed the 1970s, and rumours of their wild key parties are legendary. They’re celebrating 50 years of marriage soon, and are the sweetest, most devoted elderly couple you’ll ever meet.
I’m not 17 anymore. If I meet someone I have a crush on, I know it’s lust, not love. And if it moves into love, that’s ok too. I might find someone I feel is a better partner for me, and not want to be with my husband anymore. Will he fall in love with someone else and want to leave me? That’s a possibility. But I see it as a possibility in traditional marriages too. My husband might work closely with a co-worker and develop feelings towards her. It’s not a problem that’s unique to swinging or open marriages.
Am I deluding myself and setting myself up for failure? I don’t think I’m any more deluding myself or destined for disaster any more than a monogamous couple is. It’s clear that monogamy does not guarantee a successful marriage. Neither does having an open marriage. I think a successful marriage is built on respect, love and open communication, not whether you do or do not extend your physical or emotional self to others as well.
Am I tempting fate? Will I someday regret having opened this door? I haven’t regretted it yet. Our understanding of each other is better than ever, and our sex life is full and varied and fun. We’re not out every night trawling for sex with strangers – 99% of the time we’re having sex with each other. And despite the challenges of both of us working in full time, demanding careers, and busy kids and travelling and keeping up with the house and the dog and friends and family and exercising, we’re still having sex almost every single day, sometimes twice. It’s a great way to fire up for the day or wind down, to connect and check in with each other and laugh and have fun together.
To FreshnLocal, I think I am missing out on your version of the truest love, if that means forsaking all others. My version of the truest love doesn’t mean one and one only.
To Cheryl, I’m not defending, simply opening up our relationship and thoughts to those curious about reading about them.
My benchmark for a good marriage is certainly not just about sex! However, for a couple our age with no health concerns, a vibrant sex life is generally a good indicator of how loving a couple feels towards each other. A large reason the sex dies in a marriage is due to lack of communication and respect.
And … we have fallen in love with others in the past, and currently have another person we are both in love with. But in our world, there’s no need to chose. My husband being in love with another woman doesn’t upset me, or him, and nor does it make us feel the need to abandon the strong love we have.
I don’t know, it seems to me like Reese is just sharing her story, the way any blogger does on their blog. I for one find it interesting.
It’s not my cup of tea, but then again neither are many of the things I find interesting. I’m not going to judge or pity Reese or her family. It seems like she’s got a good head on her shoulders and although I wouldn’t make the same decisions as her, that doesn’t make Reese wrong for making them.
I’m not quite sure what you’re stating in all this? Are you defending your open marriage to us, or to you? It sounds like by just saying you’re in an open marriage, it’s taken the pressure off of something, allowing you to feel like you are choosing each other, rather than staying together for the marriage? If your bench mark for a great marriage is sex daily, then what does that mean for those days when that isn’t there, or starts to dwindle? What will you fall back on at that point?
I hope this works for you both. I’m certainly no expert on what makes relationships work so I can’t judge your methods. I just hope they don’t end up hurting you both when one of you does in fact fall in love with someone you’ve found outside of your marriage. How devastating for your children. But sadly that seems to be the norm now too 🙁
I came here with a truly open mind, curious about how this worked. But, to be honest, every time I read your blog I simply feel sad. I can’t put my finger on it but I think that you are missing the whole point somehow. You say there is temptation everywhere and monogamous marriages end and this is all true. We will likely all connect with someone else at some point in our marriage and think that if things were different they would be someone we could see ourselves with. However, that is the whole point. The sign of a real commitment and a true marriage is that we don’t act on it. There is something to be said for sacrifice and commitment to one person and what that brings to a relationship.
I guess I thought you had found some secret that we were all missing but it isn’t the case at all. It is just the same thing as cheating or lying but you are doing it to yourself instead under the guise of openness.
I feel sorry for you because you think you have it all but, in fact, you are completely missing the point. By having it all you are actually missing out on experiencing the truest love.