I’m hearing those words a lot lately.
“Nobody loves me.”
“You don’t care for me.”
“I don’t want to have a sister.”
Lots of tears. Daily.
Often in response to not getting what they want. Often as a result of a spat between them.
You get the idea.
I’m kind of flummoxed here. I try to listen to what it is that is bothering them. I reassure them. Snuggle them. Kiss them.
Sometimes I get frustrated. I say the wrong thing.
Sometimes I sing the song my mom used to sing to me, “Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I think I’ll go out to the garden and eat worms…” They think that’s funny, sometimes.
Sigh.
Is it the twin thing going on here? Is it just normal sibling rivalry and emotional development?
What’s a positive parenting Mom to do?
You all know what I do.
Drum Roll…
RESEARCH!
Alas I’m a little time pressed at the moment so I’m asking you all for advice. Will you do my research for me please? Tell me what you do. What you’ve read or heard.
Thanks.
Here’s a song that is more of a break up song…but it’s appropriate.
Honestly – they are playing it up because it works. It gets them the attention they want, but not through healthy means. I am with Tracy. I tell my kids that of course I love them and the way that they can know that is because I won’t let them play the victim or be dishonest in their relationships. I ask them to think critically about their statement. Do they really believe I don’t love them if they don’t get ABC? If they want to tell me what is upsetting them I am happy to listen to them and help them figure out a solution. But I’m not going to help them feel sorry for themselves, or damage their relationship with me or their siblings by playing that game. I love them too much for that.
Whenever I get stuck in a parenting dilemma it always helps to go back to the idea “begin with the end in mind”. What do you want your girls to learn here? If they were my kids my priorities would be how to identify their true feelings, how to ask for what they need in a relationship, how to maintain perspective (the idea that there is enough for everyone), and how to deal with frustration or disappointment in an emotionally healthy way. Acknowledge the feeling at that point in time, help them rename it more appropriately and then work on the skill they need to move forward. If you get stuck at the point of trying to get them not to feel what they say they are feeling, you miss the really important stuff.
Some of this is age and stage, as kids learn how to name feelings, and how to work through them in a healthy way. The “you don’t love me” approach is a manipulative one, because they haven’t got the skills yet for a healthier one. They are going to continue to try that strategy if your approach validates their concern (even just through the level of concern and disagreement you show when they make those comments).
You can also help head this off at the pass by figuring out what communicates to your kids that they are loved (the 5 Love Languages idea) and keep their tanks filled as much as you can with what speaks to them – not in direct response to these comments, but in general.
I suggest books on EQ by Gottman and Shapiro, and How to Raise a thinking child – all good books with concrete suggestions for how to help kids identify and handle emotions in themselves and others.
hth!
My older son is 4 and he tells me, “bad mommy!” “mean mommy!” I don’t take it personally, cuz I know he’s just 4 and testing his boundaries. However, I have to teach him it’s not nice to say things like that, so I tell him that and give him a time-out. I’m not really sure it’s working yet, but that’s what I do. Lol!
I have heard this a lot, with one kiddo. ” you hate me.””you don’t want me to be happy.” “you’re always mad at me.” Like you said, it’s when he’s not getting what he’d like. it comes (often in accompaniment to low blood sugar) and goes.
I agree with Julie… I tend not to cater to phases much. Whenever one of my kids has uttered something like that, I just say something reassuring, and move on – I try not to give it too much attention in the moment, but then at random times (when they’re not asking) I cuddle more, or whisper cute things more, or sing… but I try to nip it in the bud in the moment by glossing over it.
But then, you know what a mean hard-ass I am… 😉
it seems that at this age they’re more self aware and they realize that they are not the only people on the planet and why doesn’t _everyone_ bow down to them? that must mean not _everyone_ loves me!
my money is on “phase” although it doesn’t help when you hear these words coming from your own children. more hugging and talking is my prescription!!! 🙂
I love your moms song!! I get the ‘I never get to’ – that’s what he says when he’s pissed that I don’t let him do something. I just say ‘oh you’re SO hard done by – how do you live with a mom who won’t ….put your boots on for you, bring your leappad in the car’ etc.
That being said – I have NO advice. I feel like it’s a phase they all go through saying this – I’m sure we all did – but did we really think it? I’m not sure (notice my thing lately of they say it but do they mean it….:)).