Earlier this week, my friend posted a link from the Huffington Post on her Facebook profile. The article was called ‘Why You’re Not Married’. I sort of laughed and went – oh I can’t WAIT to see what she has to say.
So I skimmed the headings of her six reasons why and I wanted to hunt her down and punch her in the throat. Then I read it. Then I thought about it. And Tracy McMillan…I think you’re a very smart woman.
Let’s back up a bit. I don’t want to get married. The red light in my called off engagement would have been me planning this enormous country club wedding which is so NOT me. I would love to have a partner but I’m not one of those women with a burning itch to say ‘I do’. So, I read this article thinking more along the lines of ‘Why I’m Single’.
Another thing to add. I’m filing this article along with some sage advice that I picked up from the man…yes, I’m speaking of Dr. Phil. A few years ago he had on all these terminally single women to find out why they thought they were single. At the end of the show he says ‘ladies what is the common denominator in all your failed relationships’? They all came up with lames ass excuses, as I was as well. Then, as only Dr. Phil can, he yells ‘ladies – it’s YOU!’. Holy frig, Dr. Phil. You said a mouthful.
So, let’s go back to the article. Her six points as to why any woman who wants to be married isn’t, are these:
1. You’re a bitch
2. You’re shallow
3. You’re a slut
4. You’re a liar
5. You’re selfish
6. You’re not good enough.
You’re enraged right now aren’t you. You’re sitting at your computer going – are you *&^ing kidding me?!?!? I know I was. Now go read the article…go on. I’ll wait.
So, Tracy McMillan painted a picture of me frankly and why I’m single. And I’ll tell you why.
1. I’m a bitch. I will say this was the only one that I questioned a little. I really don’t think I am. I actually don’t think us single chicks have the market cornered on this. I’ve looked at quite a few couples and thought ‘god she treats him so horribly but he just stays for more.’ And it infuritates me. But – I do think that once you’re past a certain age, straight and single – most men assume you’ve got built up grudges and carry with you a lot of baggage. And this pisses me off. So there – maybe I am angry after all!
2. You’re shallow. I’ll own this one. Tracy suggests essentially you have champagne taste on a beer budget. Admission – I’ve stopped going out with guys because they read comic books; because their musical taste sucks; because they can’t dress; because they’re not too bright. Now, I’ll stick to my guns on the ‘not so bright’ thing but I will admit I probably don’t give everyone a chance and I wonder how many awesome guys I’ve missed out because – as Tracy sharply puts – I’m shallow.
3. You’re a slut. I love her line for this – Because past a certain age, casual sex is like recreational heroin — it doesn’t stay recreational for long. I can admit, because I intend on talking to Will about this later, I was a bit of a slut in my younger days. I was looking for love in all the wrong places (cue Buckwheat Sings). While my friends were having relationships in university, I was befriending the rookie line up of the hockey team. While I didn’t have the maturity to see it then, I can now. She’s right – you need to be selective – both for your self-esteem AND for the type of guy that you’re hoping to attract.
4. You’re a liar. This one is me to a T. I am the queen of putting up with unavailable men. I tell them, and convince myself, that it’s fine the way it is. I don’t need more. I had one guy who came right out and said, ‘I really like you but I’m not the commitment type. I don’t want to end up hurting you and us not being friends.’ I think for a looong time, I tried to convince myself I was fine with that while I was secretly planning our lives of travelling the world and taking our hippy children to every music festival we could find. Eventually I freaked out at him for being with someone else. But that was MY issue – he had always told me the truth. Thankfully we’re still friends (JUST friends…see #3).
5. You’re selfish. Selfish is such a harsh word isn’t it. But here’s the thing, when you spend your adult life looking after only yourself, it’s natural to be selfish. You are #1 in your life. I often worried that after my grandma died, I would go over the top selfish because I would have no one but me to be responsible for. But she hung on until Will got here. Let me tell you, if you don’t have kids, when you do have them, you are the opposite of selfish….so enjoy it now while you can! In the article, she goes on to say – if what you really want is a baby, go get you one. Your husband will be along shortly. Motherhood has a way of weeding out the lotharios. SWEET! Who knew Will would be a dude magnet!
6. You’re not good enough. Again, this heading cut. But I think I have this one covered off – NOW. I think she’s trying to get to the old adage that you have to love yourself before anyone can love you back. I agree with that one 1000%. And I’m there. It’s taken a very long time but I do think I’m good enough.
So. I’m dying to know! What do you think of Tracy McMillan’s article? Do you see yourself in it? Married chicks – did you SEE yourself in it before you found your spouse?
This is totally me!
I can try and be less bitchy, I know I am good enough and I am over the selfish things but some of the others I am not really ready to give up.
There are limits on #2 (shallow). I recently had a friend say to me “I am not looking for the man who will keep me in the manner to which I have become accustomed, rather I am just trying to find someone for whom I don’t need to lower my standard of living!” I am all for not being shallow but is a steady job, paid off student loans and a dwelling that is not in Mom’s basement too much to ask of a 40+ year old.
Thanks guys for all the great feedback! (and Jen you always make me feel like a rockstar!!!). And Kath – your advice is sound…never change yourself, but I do think the great point that she makes is to open yourself to things.
That was great, Sara (the HuffPost article and your own post). I was totally the victim of the Disney Princess complex: so much so that I worked hard to be the exact opposite of everything on that list so that I could get (and stay) married.
But take it from me: changing yourself to become less like that list in order to attain the goal of marriage will not make you (or anyone around you) happy. No, from this end of the spectrum I think that the only way to find happiness is to do the personal growth necessary to overcome the six traits on McMillan’s list.
And when you’ve done that, maybe you won’t want/need to be married after all, because you yourself will be enough. Yes, grasshopper, you will.
Wow Sara,
I was/am still like that too. I met my husband when I was 31, and I thought I was never going to be married because I never had really good, long term, relationships. My step-father always told me I was too smart and scared them off, but that’s not it. It’s that I wouldn’t allow myself to be vulnerable. Here’s a link to Brene Brown’s Ted Talk on Vulnerability. I think that’s they key, allowing oneself to be vulnerable. Some of the above probably fits into to that.
I was and am angry….but not at individuals. I think I put men off with my passion about issues – political, etc. I love that part of me though. I think I’ve learned to be more constructive and think about positive ways to make change, but look at Egypt, sometimes you have to get angry so you’re not f&^*d over.
I was a liar too, about the men. And my fantasies, although I never had the country club wedding fantasy. That’s how I got walked all over sometimes. I did fantasize about traveling the world with hubby and baby in tow, yeah right.
I think it still comes down to being vulnerable, which means being honest, deep, selfless and selfish, kind (and willing to accept kindness), and happy with yourself (practice loving kindness with your self first).
Wow, Sara. You are amazing. You own it. The truth is, I was most of these things early in my marriage (not the slut but the others) and thanks to a wonderful, patient, loving guy I was able to evolve and grow into a confident, strong, open and loving person. This makes our marriage and, frankly, all of my relationships so much better. You must feel this too!
Whoever you end up with is one lucky guy.
I feel like I’m all of those (well…except the slut) and I’m married.
What does that say about me?
#6 rings a bell…don’t know why, but the others don’t!! I was single longer than
most of my friends, but that meant I didn’t have a long lasting relationship in high school
or the beginning of university in those days!! I had a boyfriend in high school for
awhile, but it was more about fun stuff to do/skiing together etc…I was terrified of men for the first two years of university because of the implications of that/LOL/until I met ‘the one’, and by that I mean, my long term university/early twenties guy..! Times
were different…the sexual revolution was beginning to be in full swing, but to me
it was frankly terrifying…so I put my hair in braids all the time, and skated on the
Rideau Canal instead of going out (Carlton University) /LOL/Bear in mind I went to university a month after I turned seventeen with kids who had finished grade 13…post traumatic stress syndrome was what I suffered!! Most of us from Quebec were wandering around like survivors of having been wrenched from our homes too young!! We were taking first year courses having only finished grade 11…our minds had
not even gone into abstract mode yet…By third year I got the hang of it all, and was in a five year relationship with a guy which is a whole other story…single
again for almost three years…now those were strange years…being in a relationship
seemed to be four dirty words…I found that all of a sudden guys had the upper hand…and were enjoying dating this bevy of women who wanted commitment…seemed
to be a lot of commitment phobes in those days…they were having too much
fun as serial daters…not easy out there…I was lucky to meet somebody who
had my vision of family…(or at the very least, he liked my vision :)…I mean
how many men actually envision family…Most of them just buy into the woman’s
vision and wake up about three years later with “post traumatic stress syndrome”!!!!
LOL
Dude, I tweeted the same article, and it was like crickets out there… I think Tracy McMillan is kinda brilliant (and the piece was funny as hell too – the sharp titles to her points are completely intentional) but I do believe she hit it right on the head in all respects – especially the “You’re a Liar” part which I think many women convince themselves they AREN’T.
I can see exactly which points would have “defined” me, if I wasn’t an old, married lady. I loved it. And I loved you post, belle!! Terrific. (And happy to know you’re not a recreational heroin user… heh.)