A friend of mine recently asked me what I tell Will about where his dad is. She explained that her daughter had asked her and she wanted to make sure that they were consistent with what I told Will.
First of all – what a thoughtful question! I had never really thought about it before but it was a great reminder for me to tell my friends what I do tell him. Essentially, I tell him that he doesn’t have a daddy but that he has many other people in his family. I explain that there are lots of different kinds of families and that all of them are awesome!
He’s three. I don’t feel the need to explain ‘sperm donor’ to him. Nor do I feel my friends have to have that convo with their kids. I’m not sure at what age I’ll get more detailed with him. That will depend on my boy and his emotional maturity. (This morning he walked around with a green flashlight stuck down his pants, giggling like a frat boy…so I’m not so sure when this ‘maturity’ will hit).
I really appreciated the question though. If any of you have friends with non-traditional families, I’d encourage you to do the same. It savesny awkward recess discussions and offers up a great opportunity to teach your children about all the different types of families that make up their neighbourhoods.
so true, I think it is greener on my side too … a little lonely once in a while – but the trade off is that I don’t have to argue about or compromise on my parenting style – or anything else for that matter. I sort of prefer to be on my own I think .. maybe someday the right guy will change my thoughts on that – but for now … I am glad to be a single mom, my only reservations have been for my sons sake – so good to hear from you that it won’t likely ruin his life 😉 !!
I will write back and follow you! so glad to have found you!!!
You are SO welcome – let me say comments like yours make me want to keep blogging. It’s true that our situations are pretty unique – but it’s funny, I don’t even really think about the whole donor thing that much anymore – I mean, I think about him (and thank him in my brain) daily but I hang out with my mom friends, and sometimes think the grass is greeener on our side….:). Comment in any time you want to talk – even if it doesn’t have to do with what I’m writing! I’ll always get back to you!!
Thank you Sara!
It is so nice to find someone to talk to that is living the same choice that I am! I live in a small northern Ontario town and I feel a little isolated sometimes … not physically but just feel like things up here are a little behind and as much as I love my friends and appreciate having other moms around, I feel like no one can completely relate to my circumstance. Thank you again … you’ve made me feel some much better!!!!
ooh and I should add – we just say ‘i don’t have a daddy’ – last night for example he was saying that my dad was his daddy. I corrected him because I don’t want to confuse him – but when he does say ‘i want a daddy’ – we just review who he HAS – focusing on what he has rather than what he doesn’t have.
Hey Rocklily!
I’m so happy that you’re joining in on the conversation. It’s a very personal thing so I won’t sit here and say – you need to do this and you need to do that BUT you do need to give yourself a break! You are NOT selfish – the opposite, you gave up a lot to bring this boy into the world. I think for me (and my son is a couple years older) my acceptance of the situation has grown with time. If you look at my choice motherhood posts over the last couple years – you’ll see that the first father’s day at school killed me – this year – not at all. He makes things for his grandpa – or for me on fathers day. I really think it will be a bigger deal for us. There are SO many different kinds of families now – our boys will grow up in this culture of different kinds of families – it will be the norm as opposed to the exception as it sometimes feels for us. Know what I mean?
I’m so glad you wrote this … I feel like I am obsessing over what to tell my son and he’s only 8 months old. I watch a show on tv where they are talking about dads and I feel guilty and selfish for not allowing him the opportunity to have a dad. what do you do on father’s day when all the kids at school are making things for their dads? Maybe it will end up being a much bigger deal to me than it is to him?
I guess it’s like Eva and her manny (although not even close to the same thing) in that his attitude toward the situation will be based on how you model it.
With Eva we are open and welcome any and all questions. The more comfortable we are with it – the more comfortable she’ll be with it.
The same way you are open and honest about the fact that Will doesn’t have a dad. The more open and honest you are – which I’m not sure you could be anymore open and honest than you are – the more capable Will will be to answer any questions that come his way.
And I’ve said it before on fb – but that picture. OMG. Love.
i’m reading this with interest as i have a neighbour who has never had a dad in the picture. i’ve never asked about it in over 10 years (he’s mid-teens now) but the girls have started asking questions. i don’t know what to say because i don’t even know the “real” story…not that it’s any of my bid’ness, either.
i think “dad is not in the picture” is a good one for now.
after I drop the “d” bomb (divorced) or my girls do, most people stop asking. Sometimes they say do you spend every other weekend with him and they say “no” . They are so hardwired to see what they have rather than what they don’t from years of me being that way (and sometimes faking it when I don’t feel so clever) that they respond positively.
Will will come to be like you Sara. Positive, strong and unapologetic without an ounce of self pity.
Good to have that age appropriate elevator line though- “I don’t have a dad” or “my dad is not in the picture” (is that good or too dismissive? You would know best) as that saves “come on, everyone has a dad”.
I think you are AMAZING. xn
I think you’re right about taking your cues from him – he is still rather little… I think at this age, many kids never meet their friends’ fathers anyway – they probably don’t think much about it. Nice to know you have good friends who want to be consistent though! Good for them. And good for you!! xox