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What’s in a Name?

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It was Shakespeare who wrote that, and by george, the Bard is usually one smart cookie. But here’s a case where I might just have to disagree with his poetic wisdom. Because I happen to think that names are actually pretty important. Well, at least to me. Which is precisely why I had such a terribly difficult time changing my name when I got married. Well, actually, it took me years to finally go out and do it, and in fact my Social Insurance Card still shows my maiden name: it’s the same card I received at fourteen when I wanted to get my first job – sentimental value, I guess. 

But perhaps the same thing could be said for the name itself. I grew up with that name. I formed my self-identity with that name. I liked myself with that name, and – to put it bluntly – I liked the name itself. I liked the way it made me part of a group…a clan…and one that I was proud and happy to be a part of. I liked the way it was a common name, but with uncommon spelling. That if you went back to Newfoundland, you’d find places and people sharing that same name, all of whom also shared a connection with me. So no. When the time came, I wasn’t happy to part with it. And it’s not that my husband’s name was all that bad. In fact, it was pretty well on a par with my name. It was just a matter of moving from a good solid English name to a good solid Scottish one. And moving 10 letters further down in the alphabet. 
But it wasn’t about the name itself. I wasn’t going to be called Katherine Doofenscmirtz or something equally unpronounceable. It was just that I didn’t really want to stop being called Katherine ******. And we talked about it a fair bit before we got married. I even suggested to him that perhaps he would like to change his name to mine? That was a non-starter. So in the end, I didn’t change my name. At first. I dithered around in a haze, and didn’t change any official records. At work, HR asked me if I was going to change my name in the company directory so I decided to hyphenate it, which led basically to a lot of teasing and not much else. 
I knew that I wanted to have the same name as any future children we might have, so when we made the move from Toronto to Calgary and I had to get a new driver’s licence anyway, I went ahead and changed my name. At work I was still known by the double-barrelled hyphenated version of my name (too much trouble to change my email address you know) but I slowly got used to slimming down to my husband’s last name. But you know the rest: two children and nearly fifteen years later and I sit here now separated and wondering, should I change my name?

rose smell.jpg

So let me circle back and put Shakespeare’s quotation in context. It’s from Romeo and Juliet, and it’s Juliet’s line, actually. She says it in response to all the fuss over the Montague/Capulet feuding, and the impossibility of young love between the two families. So here it is:
What’s in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet.

Which, in that context, totally makes sense. She and Romeo are in love, wish to be married, but know they cannot, simply because of their last names. It’s tragic and foolish and so very adolescent, which totally makes sense since both lovers were only about fourteen.

But sitting here at forty-two, with decades of experience on the lovely Juliet, I’d have to disagree. To me, there’s a lot in that maiden name of mine. A lot of wonderful memories. A lot of strong, supportive associations. A lot of admirable, funny, loving, smart people who’ve known and loved me my whole life. A lot of things, in short, that I want and need right now. So, to answer the question many people have asked me, do I want to change my name back? Yes. I do.
It’s just going to be a matter of finding the right moment. I need to let my girls adjust to the new form their family has taken, and when they’re secure in that place, then I will be heading out to the registry office to take back what I maybe should never have given up in the first place. My name. 


Comments

  1. Jess says

    Great post and good to think about. I didn’t change my name when i got married. As you said, i’d had my name for a mighty long time and would have felt odd about changing it. My hubby didn’t mind me keepiing my name which made it easier. Now, we have kids and they have his name. When we go to the pediatrician, they call by the kids’ last name. That’s fine. But will most others i encounter in my role as mom bother to find out whether I have the same name? I think I’ll be stuck correcting others or just letting it slide. Either way, i don’t think i’ll legally be changing my name anytime soon. Thanks for talking this through and sharing it.

  3. Sara says

    What a great post Kath. When I was engaged I planned on changing my name – and it’s funny now, I just can’t imagine it – and you vocalized so well why. I think it seems a bit like giving up your past and yes, marriage is starting a new but isn’t it bringing your past to it as well – so can’t people keep their names and bring it forward to their new lives? Hmm. Wise words to think of Kath…thankls for this post.

  4. CanadianErin says

    I considered this when my husband and I split, but I felt that rejecting his name may make my daughter feel I was rejecting HER as well, since she shares the name, too. My husband died suddenly a year after the split, and now I feel that us being The Green Girls, together, as a team, is just as good of a fresh start.
    I also feel that being the woman of that name for a large enough portion of my life, certainly most of my adult life, changed me into who I am today, no longer the kid and young woman I *used to be*.

  5. Nancy says

    so many tough things and you are doing it all so well with a clear mind and reflection. Impressive!

  6. Tracey says

    That was a great post, Kath! When you know what feels right, you have to go ahead and do it. Good for you!

  7. Jen says

    This is a toughy and I get it. Your girls need some time to get used to this change before you lob another one their way. But soon you will have your name back and with that your identity. Great post.