So what I am about to tell you may make you gasp in shock, wonder what kind of parent I am, make yourself believe what a great parent you are, run to grab a bottle of any kind of alcoholic beverage or have you simply nod your head because hell ya you’ve been there done that.
My daughter was recently diagnosed with a pretty severe learning disorder so due to this I have been dealing with a great deal of frustration on her part because she has been struggling in school, having difficulty socializing and just overall not a happy child.
The summer brought upon some behavioural issues that I found to be disturbing but I tried to look past it and worked on helping her with her reading and finding some activities for her to do. She got involved in a musical production with her older sister and brother and her undiscovered talent for singing and acting was soon discovered. She had a great time and was excited about school.
Fast forward to September the start of school and behaviour that has become out of control. There are no particular triggers to set her off and someone simply looking at her and ‘bugging her’ in the van has resulted in her kicking the back of seats, pulling on seatbelts of those sitting in front of her and screaming. In the house we have had hitting, screaming, being rude, and swearing.
Tonight however was awful. She was all happy and fine after her gymnastics lesson and then while we were waiting for her younger brother to finish his class she then informed me that she was hungry and asked me to buy her something from the overpriced snack bar. I said no, because I had already told her that I wasn’t going to be buying anything from there. She then got angry and started to whine and demand that I buy her something. I tried to keep my cool and said no. She started to yell at me calling me an idiot and proceeded to kick at my shin. Her older sister then asked her nicely to stop. She was then called stupid and told to shut up. I then told her that her behaviour was unacceptable and that if she didn’t stop she would not be allowed to go to her sleepover on Saturday night. She then called me a name and kicked again at my shin. Sigh. It actually hurt.
So I am not going to tell you yet what I did, but typically this behaviour has been in the house – this is the first time we have had it in public and in front of (thankfully just a few) shocked onlookers.
About 10 minutes later was she acting like the sweet 8 yr old that she can be and as though nothing had happened.
What I would like to know is, how would you have reacted as an onlooker and what would you as a parent have done realizing that I couldn’t take her outside due to the nature of the building we were in,and because her 5 year old brother was about to come out of his class?
Until next time
Chantel, momof8crazymonkeys
The last time I wrote a blog post (which was ages ago), it was about dealing with this exact kind of public tantrum. I did not deal with it gracefully. At all. So, as an onlooker, I would empathize.
Would your daughter be moved by mentioning that the onlookers could see her behaviour? As a parent, I think I would have instructed my older daughter to wait by the snack bar with the 5-year-old and moved the 8-year-old to a less public space so I could lay out her options and hopefully let her cool off. The sleepover would definitely be out, and I would explain that she cannot be trusted to behave appropriately.
what did you do? what ever happened you need to follow through with punishments, what severe learning disorder does your daughter have?
Can’t resist this one…kick back (maybe just a quarter as hard though)! And say “I thought we were playing a game of soccer.”
BTW Chantel, as a bystander, I would stare at you, feel sorry for you and then go to the snack bar a buy us all something.
personally I would LOVE to know what you did because I deal with that almost daily from my almost 8 year old son! you described your daughters actions exactly word for word as to how my son reacts when he doesn’t get his way…I have tried various methods, I have yelled in public, I have spanked at home, I have taken away TV, his DS, I have left places, I have threatened, you name it, I have done it! ignoring does work but sometimes, when he doesn’t give up it is really difficult to ignore…in return I am accused of loving his brother more because I don’t yell at him – his brother is opposite and rarely gives me a hard time! I ignore the stares, you have to do what you have to do & good parents will empathize rather than judge
Chantel as an onlooker I would have given you one of “those” sympathetic looks …lol and asked if you need a hand (if you at all looked like you needed or would be receptive to help:).
As a parent if I couldn’t leave the building I would have walked away and left her screaming where she was (keeping an eye on her from a distance). If I couldn’t do that I would have stood my ground (whispered in her ear that if she kicked me in the shin one more time she would not see the outside of her room for a month) and then ignored her until I could leave.
I would then go home and drink heavily:)
As an onlooker, I probably would have asked if there was anything I could do to help. I’m assuming that I would be a fellow gymnastics mom, and thus a nodding acquaintance that you might trust to wait for your son while you helped your daughter cool off.
The frustration related to learning disabilities, Aspergers or ADHD, is so hard to deal with – for us and for them! When kids I love were dealing with that, they got the mention (you hurt me, please don’t do that), the warning (I won’t permit you to keep hurting me. If you can’t stop yourself, I will have to help you stop.), and the consequence (leaving, restraint or both). And then we would have a conversation about it when everyone was calm.
I really hope things get easier for you, soon. Do you have good contacts at the school to help with this?
Like Sara, I’m a leaver also. I leave. Period. I take both of them, even if only one is melting down.
I like the suggestions of having your older daughter get your son while you left (assuming she was old enough). Although you mention the nature of the building….obviously a barrier to leaving.
I also understand about your daughters frustrations. They definitely need to be addressed, when she is not melting down. I’m guessing it may take some time to iron her out. Honestly, schools suck for kids who do not learn in the “traditional” way. I don’t care what their IEP says, it’s just not enough.
Back to your situation. I certainly try not to judge. If I knew you slightly I would offer to help. If you were a total stranger, I don’t know.
I might have actually given in and got the snack at the snack bar…..ouch.
I am HUGE into the debrief Nancy. I think it’s really important – I actually find it useful for me to see what the issue was and sometimes I can use it the next time…’remember when you were SO upset at kindergym because you said you were scared….but then you LOVED it’….. I’m using this one daily to try and get him in there next week…
i was witness to a casual friend’s child beat her shins silly and i was completely gobsmacked at the violence. i (am ashamed to say) didn’t do a thing…i finally blurted out if she wanted me to take her youngest while she dealt with this but she said no (really nicely, too).
i don’t believe anyone can judge you (although i know it seems like they are) because if they haven’t had to deal with something similar, they’re LYING!!!! i think people are looking because they want to see how you deal with it since what they did was probably not good.
you did what you did because it was best for you at the time. there is no black and white in parenting that’s for sure! i, too, like the debrief. that’s some good advice.
Oh lady… as an onlooker, I probably would have given you a knowing look and moved on. I think we’ve all been there, in some form or another, and indeed, the ones who judge should just keep it to themselves.
I wouldn’t worry about what others think… but I also know how tough it is trying NOT to care. Le sigh.
You hang in there, woman. We’re all just trying to do our best. xox
I really believe in the debrief as well. Talk to her quietly about how you felt, how she felt during all of it. How you regret your reaction (if you do) and how this behavior is unnacceptable. Maybe get some ideas from others with children with similar issues on how they deal with it.
“I love you always, but did not love that behavior” is always good
(I know you know all of this, btw! You could likely be a parenting expert- and also I am not trying to oversimplify the LD aspect which I have compassion for but no experience with)
My younger daughter was hell on wheels as a toddler and consequently her older sister’s first word she could spell was “I-G-N-O-R-E” because that is what we would spell when she was having the tsunamis of meltdowns. Sometimes I was good at it and sometimes I was not proud of my performance.
Your daughter’s behavior was unnaceptable but you are perhaps feeling the guilt related to the learning disability/ behavioral issues. She still needs boundaries right? I am no expert but I feel like you would be doing her a huge diservice letting her get away with the rage.
Forget about the onlookers. They are not of concern.
I wish I had been there to help. Hard stuff.
I have had some pretty embarrassing public moments with my daughter so I really try not to judge others. I made the mistake of offering to help a mom before and I don’t think I will try that again. Her pent up frustration at her child and her assumption that she was being judged and/or watched had her barking at me. I wouldn’t worry about the people around you.
Could you have had your older daughter hang on to your son until you were able to deal with your 8 y/o? Also, if you said no sleepover as hard as it is I think you have to stick to that. I like Sara’s suggestion of just ignoring it. I think that once she realizes it isn’t working she will probably try something else. But I know from personal experience that this is REALLY hard.
Tough stuff!
I’ve had to deal with some pretty severe autism meltdowns/tantrum. The ones that give me the sweats. The shakes. More recently I’ve been able to deal with them without crying myself after the fact. I’ve learned not to really give a hoot about what onlookers are thinking and rather focus on him and his needs and what strategies I need to pull out to calm him.
(I am curious though – how you handled it. That’s usually what people look to see – how the parent addresses the behaviour…)
I guess because of that I’m able to see beyond other kids behaviours and I always have in the back of my head that there might be more going on than meets the eye. I have asked people if they need any help. “Is there anything I can do?” Which has always been met with a “No thanks. We’re fine.” I’ve picked up dropped shopping bags, or jackets that have been dropped during tantrums.
Cuyler had a meltdown in Zellers last year. His worst ever. If one person had asked if I needed help I would have accepted without hesitation.
Hmmm. Such a tough call because you can’t just leave! I’m a leaver – but I only have one so with a bunch it wouldn’t be fair. Also, my second go to would be to ignore her and keep talking to her older sister and just ignore her – but if she was kicking, that would hurt. I’m not sure how old she is so my next step for a toddler would be to get down to their level and restrain with a tight ‘hug’! Ahhh – what did you do??