When I write here there are often strong reactions. When I share my situation, my mistakes and my feelings many people get angry. In fact, it can feel a bit like they have rallied the town together, armed with torches and pitchforks and in a wild frenzy they begin their witchhunt. And I am the witch. Their goal, their sole purpose, is to shut me down, with insults and judgment and imposed shame.
To them I am that woman. I represent all that is wrong and shameful but they, of course, are everything that is right and moral.
I know this isn’t true but to say it hasn’t impacted me would be a lie. People feel strongly about what I write because it cuts to the core of their beliefs. And maybe, for some, it takes them to a place they don’t want to go and forces them to think about their own lives a little too clearly.
It has taken me some time but I finally figured out that I am not wrong. I am not cruel and selfish and morally compromised. I am human and I am me. I am on a journey and this is all part of it. Would I have done some things differently? Absolutely. But at the same time I fear that if I had I wouldn’t be where I am now. And if I wasn’t where I am now I would likely be dead and I certainly don’t regret that.
I have learned more about myself in the last year than I have in my whole life. As I begin to accept myself and gain perspective this is what I know.
1. I don’t know myself at all. Until now I have lived my life for someone else. My parents, my friends, my husband, my children. I valued all of the wrong things driven by what I thought I needed to be. Other’s expectations of me (or my perception of this) have been my only guide.
2. I want to know love in my life every day. Until I met Jackson I had no idea that kind of love existed. That physical ache. That sense of completeness. That naked honesty and acceptance. Now that I do I can’t live without it.
3. I am not a good mother. This one hurts but it is true. This one will get the witchhunters boiling mad again but it is undeniable. Without self-love succeeding as a mother and raising strong, happy children is impossible. My hope is that as I figure this out I will find the mother in me and the desire to be her. Only time will tell.
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I expect that what you say is true, but which one of us can understand all these changes these days
What is going on with these spam-style comments? Is there a virus? The last 4 here, plus repeats like this on other posts. Not sure if anything can be done, but it is getting irritating having nonsensical posts fill up my inbox! I’m interested in this blog, but I’ll have to stop following if it keeps up. Thx for anything you can do.
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Ohh boy – don’t get me started on this topic 🙂
Lyla,
Here is an article you should read about mothering that I love called “Don’t carpe diem.” It is really great, and shows the doubts and exhaustion and struggle, but also the rewards of mothering. Not in the storybook kind of way you refer to not being allowed to be the mother you wanted to be in your past articles…but in the real everyday-struggle way most of us have to deal with motherhood. (Many of us have to do it after working hard hours at a job, as well, and trying to budget out dollars that do not always seem to stretch far enough…constraints you do not realize how gloriously fortunate you are not to have).
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/glennon-melton/dont-carpe-diem_b_1206346.html
I completely agree with Heather on the fact that you don’t get a do-over with your kids, and it’s not okay to decide time will tell with them. If you can’t be with Joel, then do everything you can to help them heal and help their security now. Because they will need help. I promise you your rejection of Joel right now feels like a complete rejection of them, as well, to your kids. They will NOT be able to separate that rejection unless you spend a lot of time communicating that to them and showing them with your actions that you love them, by making time for them and doing things with them and talking with them. These are basic issues of personal security and love for a child, and they are the building blocks for their future relationships and their personal journey of self-discovery.
Actually Lyla, you couldn’t be further from the truth. People who get angry with you here feel that way not because you cause them (us) to examine our own lives, but because you refuse to examine your own through a lense of anything but self-pity, self-absorption and a pseudo-victim mentality that allows you to divorce yourself from the true responsibility and consequences of your actions.
And as mothers, we can see the damage that your actions, and your attitude will do to your children. Some of us have been those children and bear the wounds caused by being such a low priority in our families of origin. Some of us have been aunts or sisters or friends of children and families who have had their lives blown apart by infidelity, and have tried to pick up the pieces and hold those we love together. And most of us cannot fathom doing the sort of damage you are doing to your children so cavalierly, all for a romp in bed, and the ridiculous excuse that this is just part of your journey.
I believe what you are doing to your family – to your children! – IS selfish and morally reprehensible and you don’t have the right to declare it otherwise simply by offering a weak explanation that you don’t know your self well enough to know how to make better choices. We are what we repeatedly do. The choices you are making right now speak to who you are and more importantly speak to who you want to be. You do not get a do-over with your children. There is no “wait and see”. You learn to mother by mothering.
And for the record your description of your love with Jackson is puppy love. True love does not come from someone who “completes” you. True love can only really be experienced when you are able to be complete on your own. Imperfect and human – but whole. And that is a journey you take on your own, not in the arms and bed of some 25 year old kid. Depending on Jackson to define and fulfill you will lead you to exactly the same place you are now.
So if you want compassion here, speak honestly about what you are doing to become the mother that your children deserve, how you are working to connect with and heal them from the trauma your decisions have undoubtedly caused in their lives, and how you are seeking to heal yourself so that you love those around you from a place of health and wholeness. You don’t need to be a perfect mother – none of us are. But children deserve a mother who is at the very least willing to try to give her children her best. It seems as though the needs of your children barely register for you at all.
censored. you are pathetic.
I am thrilled that you are back! I thought you had stopped writing after months of nothing. I am looking forward to walking your journey to self reflect with you.
my husband and I seriously love your website and think you need to have way much more subscribers than you do! really fantastic job and preserve working!
I couldn’t agree with you more!
Lyla, I applaud your re-examination of your values, and the effort to look deeper and grow as a person. Many people live unexamined lives, so it is a strong and courageous thing to do, and an act of love to yourself.
Realization #2 sounds like a resolution and a decision. I am happy you have come to this realization, and hope it gives you peace. Accordingly, I also hope it means you have now taken the next step to leave Joel and be with Jackson. (And hopefully devote everything you and Joel can to ease this transition for your children.)
I’m not sure if I am part of the “pitchfork” crowd you are referring to, but I have to say that my main point has never been about making you “that woman” or making myself feel superior to you, or more righteous or moral than you. I believe we all struggle constantly with life choices and “doing the right thing.”
I’m also an atheist and a feminist, so I’m not concerned with any issues of sin or with keeping women in a controlled and complacent place. Finally, your posts do not cause me to think about my own life too clearly, though I do have moments where I envy the time & resources you have to indulge in endless retrospection and analysis without worrying about how to pay the mortgage. (See? This is an uncharitable impulse I have to bite back. Imperfect me, like I said.)
I simply believe in the same golden rule Chantal espouses. Part of treating others the way you would want to be treated is treating each person like an end in himself/herself, as opposed to a means to an end. My point all along has been merely to stop the deceit with Joel, and to let him go if you couldn’t love him. From what I’ve seen, he does not deserve to live a lie. Not many people do deserve this, and this is what I find most tragic about an affair, as the spouse is the last to know. I know two beautiful women who were cheated on, and while one stayed and I still love her husband, it took those women decades to get their sense of self-esteem and security back. Doing that to someone else is one of the most hurtful things you can do to a person. (Though I am not saying it makes you a bad person.)
So my point all along has merely been to leave if you don’t love him, or separate until you figure out if you do, because that is best for you AND for him. Then you both have a chance to find happiness.
Lyla, I wish for peace and happiness to come out of this for you with all my heart.
As for being a good mom…throw the idea of perfection out of the window. That is a trap no one can ever live up to. Just try actively loving your kids. Act like the mom you want to be each day. Fake it at first if you have to…because you may find all of a sudden it comes as second nature. And I think enjoying them, and the love you have for them, will take a world of guilt and weight off your shoulders and allow you to love yourself more easily, too.
GOOOOOO girl!!! Those people who judge have somehow got it in their heads that they have the right to do so. Where did the notion come from that any of us have the right to judge another human being? I, personally, blame organized religion. (That should bring some of the same people who judged you to comment, wink, wink…but I don’t care. If they were truly informed and bothered to educate themselves, they would see how their “beliefs” are based on corrupt political motives, carefully edited writing that are ambiguous, and the need to degrade or use whole sectors of the population, such as women or children.) We are all put on this Earth with no clue as to why, but with no shortage of people trying to impose on us their own opinions. I teach my children that the only rule that matters is the golden one…treat others the way you would want to be treated and try not to hurt anyone. As for being a mother, I think the best advice I ever heard was: Feed’em, Love’em and Leave’em alone. (Dr. Spock) I’m sure you are doing that.
I agree with Maria. You say a lot of the stuff that a lot of other people think but are afraid to admit. Sharing your story helps other people feel more “normal”…no matter what they are struggling with. While your experience may not be typical, what is typical is the fact that all of us have/are/will do things that others will judge. It is important for us to know that we are not wrong, just human, as you pointed out. Thank you for having the courage to share.
I hope you’ll continue to write so I can continue to read, I love your posts…they make me think, they make me wonder, they provoke conversations & help us find the empathy and patience we should all have with others
WOW! You have given me courage. To write. To be honest. To be me. To be better. Thank you. The biggest thing I learned throughout 2011 is, DON’T JUDGE. I have no idea what path you’re on. Or what brings you to the moment where you write about something that people may judge you for. Everyone has their story. And all we can do is have the courage to tell it. Great post!
Thank you for posting this. I have been soul searching recently, and will continue. I know and accept that I am not a perfect mom and never will be. I strive to be the best I can be. You just put everything I have been feeling inside down in black and white and now I think I have a little more direction and motivation. Thank you 🙂
It’s unfortunate so many people judged you and as you state, your reality is likely something that forces them to look at their own situations and this terrifies them. You are not alone – men and women find love (or intimacy) unexpectedly everyday and some even live with those secrets and lost opportunities because they are too afraid of the consequences. You took a giant step in revealing to Joel your relationship to Jackson – that took a lot of courage and most people couldn’t do that. To be honest, men cheat on their wives every day (you see this a lot amongst the well-heeled Bay Street crowd) and if the shoe had been on the other foot, Joel may not have been as honest with his indiscretions as you were. Try to remember that your experience is common and that is why you have so many blog followers.
Please don’t beat yourself up about being a A-type mum. Motherhood is hard; you indicate you had shift nannies – many mothers have daycare and family to do exactly what you hired your nannies to do. The only difference is, they cannot afford personalized care or they are fortunate to have family to help with the burden of raising small children. Please don’t think you are the only one using a support system to cope with raising your children. Children are wonderful but making them your full-time job is not always every woman’s cup-of-tea.
Your story may have already happened or it may be in progress… If it’s in progress then I wish you luck, but make sure that Jackson is ready to take on the greater part of your love affair – the kids and potentially a divorce. Otherwise, I wish you and Joel success in moving forward – that journey back will be hard.