Being a mom is all about balance.
if you are a stay at home mom, it’s balancing things like naps and meals and grocery shopping and cooking dinner and carpool and laundry and playdates and doing the dishes and signing permission slips and returning phone calls and the like.
if you are a working mom, it’s balancing things like naps and meals and grocery shopping and cooking dinner and carpool and laundry and playdates and doing the dishes and signing permission slips and returning phone calls on top of the 8-hour work day.
i’m not, in any way, trying to downplay what stay at home moms do, or try to say that it’s any easier to be a stay at home mom. because i’ve done it. and i did it for more than 3 years (with 2 kids under 2) and let me tell you, being a stay at home mom is a lot of work. it’s not all soap operas and bon-bons (although my kids did learn to enjoy watching Oprah).
but, when i was home, there were a few hours of each day when i could get things done. when Emily was in school – from 9-12 and Josh was napping, or playing on the floor nicely, or watching baby Einstein (no judging, you know you do it too!). i could make phone calls. schedule dr.’s appointments, hair cuts, fill out school forms, write checks, and speak to my friends.
speak to my friends. what’s that? i don’t even know what that is anymore! going back to work has made me the crappiest friend. the problem is, i think about my friends all the time. the friends i used to meet for coffee playdates once a week with the babies (hi guys!), the friends i used to see on the weekends (hi guys!) and the friends i – gasp! – used to talk to on the phone (hi…you know who you are…or were).
i’m a great email friend. i sit in front of my computer all day – from 8-4. the funny thing is, there are a few people that i speak to several times a day and we don’t even live in the same country. with email, it’s easy to stay in touch and not be physically near the person. but, i know it’s not enough. especially for my friends who can’t sit and email all day. or even once a day. or even every few days. it’s not enough.
i find myself so envious of my friends who are off on maternity leave. or my friends who work part-time. or my friends who don’t work at all. i feel so terribly out of the loop sometimes. their lives go on – even without me. they still get together for coffee or playdates. they go out for lunch or to the mall. they can speak to each other. and i can’t do these things. they are NOT in the cards for me.
when my day ends at 4, i get into my car, and if it’s a van day – that is, if it’s every other monday, tuesday or friday, i can make phone calls. but not to my friends. to the pediatrician. to the social security office. to the gym to find out when my membership expires. to Mr. Paterson to tell her whether or not i can go on the farm field trip. if it’s a civic day, it means i’m driving stick, and phone calls are not allowed. or at least ill-advised.
and then i get home. and my time is for my kids. and for them only. i get a mere two hours with Isabella before she goes to bed (6:30!). i have to make dinner. i have to sign permission forms. i have to take the kids to swimming.
and then the husband gets home. we eat. put Isabella to bed. spend quality time with the other two. read books. play xbox (they are loving the star wars lego game…which makes the husband uberhappy). talk about our days. then, the kids go to bed at 7:30.
so, that’s essentially when my day begins. at 7:30 at night. but by then i’m so tired that all i want to do is veg on the couch. while i fold laundry. clean up from dinner. make blankets. speak to my mother. perform my wifely duties. go to meetings.
maybe i’m doing something wrong.
when do you speak to your friends? when do you see them? one of my friends had a baby the first week of september and i STILL haven’t seen her or the baby. there’s no excuse for that. one of my best friends had a baby a couple days later and i haven’t seen her since the week her was born. there’s REALLY no excuse for that (well..i DO have a cold…but it’s a pretty lousy excuse) my friends who live across the street from me and around the corner haven’t seen me in ages.
how do i find the right balance? is there a balance to be found? is it possible to keep up with friendships and work full-time?
help!
PSA’s:
The Martell Family is hitting the road! We are driving – half tonight and half tomorrow – for the weekend to Milwaukee to see my parents and my younger brother (who’s recently found himself single. we are more upset than he is, which is always a bad sign).
the good: you get your friday post early!! the bad: i have to drive for ten hours (10!!!) in the car with my kids. yikes! also, i’m going to HAVE to listen to the husband’s crappy Black Crowes music that he put on my ipod. seriously…is it wrong to feel violated when someone puts music on your ipod?
i’ll leave you with a song of the day: So Long Jimmy by James Blunt
also…come visit my other blog today. it’s thursday thirteen!!
haley! i can’t believe you were the first person to comment on the wifely duties bit…i figured that was going to bring in dozens of comments! he!
Great post, Leeshy. I hear you. My friends who went back to work have gone awol. Totally. And, I totally understand. I myself barely have time to get together with anyone — other than the other stay-at-home moms, and they really are few, and our schedules are so different, so it rarely even works. I’m also too busy to speak to friends or get together in the evenings because of my business, my writing, and because the monkey goes to bed at 8:30….and I don’t start my own work until then, plus the cleaning, etc….I don’t know. It’s hard. I guess just don’t stress. Go easy on yourself. Everyone understands. You do have THREE kids and work full time — work way more than full time.
Hmmm…wifely duties? What pray-tell are you referring to? You? I can’t imagine? 😉
See my friends? No so much. I am at SAHM who thinks that the phone sometimes is a hindrance in seeing my friends. I love to hide behind the phone and sadly I don’t get to watch Oprah so much unless my husband is snoring and I can’t sleep and catch it at 1:05 am.
Just how in the hell do you manage to get your kids to bed at 7:30? That amazes me. Do they wake up early for school?
~Keeping in touch. You know, I’m a SAHM, and it’s tough keeping in touch with the girlfriends. I email a lot. I call when I can. I try to make the time to see the friends but, it’s so hard. They either work or have babies. All of our social lives either start or stop at 6 p.m. It’s a no win situation.
Weekends. Plan a night out – maybe once a month – with all the girls together. I have a friend who has a big circle of friends. They meet once a month. They rotate the house each month and they all bring an appetizer platter and drinks are served. I think that’s a great idea for mama’s – working or no.
This is a tough one. I know that this is not much comfort, but you are not alone :((((
I work 9 to 5, Mon-Thurs, generally and have Fridays “off” – yea right!!! My husband works FIFO (Fly In/Fly Out – 3 on/1 off) so I am a single mother 3 weeks out of 4.
I am lucky in that I live in a much smaller city than say, Toronto or another megolopolis. Perth only has 1.5 million people and we live very close to the city (I work just 2 km west of town) so it only takes me 10-15 minutes to get there in peak direction so the commuting stress is minimal. But other working parents, the crush at 5 p.m., get into traffic with all the other parents, pick up kids at 2 different daycares and then get them home, unpack car, get dinner on the boil, feed kids, bathe/dress/bottle up/book/bed, pack bags/lunches/snacks for the next day, dishes (don’t have a dishwasher ATM), laundry, feed the dog, tidy up, phew…I finally sit down at 9 p.m. and then get up and do my workout!!!
Fridays are a blur of swimming lessons, grocery shopping, naps, play dates, errands, etc. so we can free the weekends up for the inevitable birthday parties, family get togethers, outings, etc.
And I am doing this mainly on my own – OMG, what fun sticking 3 kids into a trolley to do groceries LOLOL.
Anyway, re the friend thing, yes I have lamented over this in recent times. Truth be told, I have lived in Perth for 10 years, but miss my closest friends in Toronto terribly (my best friend Sarah lives right downtown with her family)so I feel like I am missing out on girlie/chick time. I have plenty of friends here but quite a few live far away or arent’ the girlie/chick type. Plus Miranda’s godparents live in Darwin now and I really miss them.
I actually talk on the phone a lot ot my friends (as I have a really cheap phone plan), both here in Oz and in Canada. I also have an online mums group who I met when we were all pregnant with babies due in March 2003 (so friends for over 4 years now)but most of them aren’t in Perth. So we meet up sometimes a couple of times a year around Oz (i.e. I am going to Melbourne in January for a mum’s 40th and I went to Sydney this past March to visit another friend).
What I miss most is ME time i.e. going to the movies, going shopping UNACOMMPANIED, not having to rush around like a complete dork, actually TRYING clothes on before I buy them, going for lunch, watching chick flicks without being interrupted by requests for Nick Jr, Disney Channel, etc.
Having a long leisurely bath with a Nora Roberts novel and pampering myself. Going to the gym!!! Having an alcoholic drink (no I am NOT a teetollar, just have about 4 drinks in 5 years:(((
Ahhh…life BC (Before Children)….mind you I wouldn’t trade now for then for the world.
My one concession is that I have a cleaning lady – albeit only once a fortnight, better than nothing, plus she does all the little jobs I ask her too. What I would really love is a) dog walker b) gardener c) regular babysitter.
Ok, have rambled on enough about this.
My
Oh. the elusive balance. I thought quitting my job and running my own business from home would offer more of it…not so in case you’re wondering. All that happened was I got more of some things (time with my kids and friends) and less of others (time for myself and with my husband!). There is just not enough time in the day. And, what I have realized is that any friend worth having will understand 🙂 If not, you’ve always got us ;}
I don’t think my life EVER had balance. But when the kids came it was completely thrown off kilter (I have 2 under 2 – well, one just turned 2 and the other is 9 months). I have a great husband that doesn’t like to go out and is all for me going out with friends once a week.
However, my day ends when the kids go to bed and hubby’s day begins at 7:30 pm. I’m sure looking back at all this in a decade or so will be nice. We’ll see – we’re both too bleary eyed to know right now.
Hey Ali:)
Balance is really tough for me – I don’t know that there really is such a thing. What I try to remember in order to not feel guilty about letting one thing slide occassionaly for the sake of something else is that, eventually, it all balances out. Know what I mean? For example, as a single mom, finding time to hang out with friends is really, really important to me. It’s my only “adult” interaction, ya know? So, one of my best friends (who also has three kids) and I have a standing date every week. One night a week she heads over to my place – my place is easier because her hubbie can stay with her kids. We hang out for the entire evening. Seriously, from 6 until, like, midnight or later. We play cards, or sit on the couch and chat, or watch tv, or have a few drinks or whatever. Of course my kids are home, so I still have to mind most of my motherly resposibilities, ie – bedtime routines, etc. But, I tend to let the less important things slide like house work, laundry, etc. I may have to work extra hard the next night to compensate, but it always balances out.
I also work full-time and am working towards my business degree (three hours of class on both Monday and Tuesday nights) so it really does seem that I’m always in a rush to get something done so that I can get on to the next job, but when it boils down to it, I just try to remember what’s a priority. Family, friends, self. And when my mom comes to my house to babysit while I’m in class and comments on the fact that my dishes aren’t done, I sweetly tell her where the dish cloths are:)
You may feel alone with no friends calling you anymore because frankly you have not called them either …but I too am in the same boat.
We have 4 kids (age 5 up to 11) and the icing on the cake is my hubby is away on the road as a transport truck driver (Monday to Friday) and only home weekends. So between working full time (8 a.m. to 4 p.m.), homework, household chores, cuddle time, family meetings of why you cannot throw a shoe at your sister even if she called you a moron…I have no time to nurture friendships (and to be honest no energy). Plus I work as an insurance broker and am on the phone most of my work day. So talking on the phone at night is not very enticing.
My social hour has become gabbing with parents on the kids’ hockey team(s). We have three children in house league hockey this year (& neglecting my youngest daughter, as I do not have the time & funds right now to enroll her skating lessons this term). My youngest & dear Miss Chrissy is age 5 today. I am happy to see she loves being 5 but I really feel like time is flying, no more babies in our house, kinda sad about it.
I have hope that one-day when the kids have moved on…there will be some understanding females in my life that know the 20 years of friendship neglect has been put to good use in raising a family.
For the present, the up-side is finding such great gals like you ALL to share with & giggle with (and admittedly sometimes at, in a good way) and that makes me feel like good friends are a click away.