Wednesday was an exciting evening. The UrbanMoms Online Book Club met to discuss our first book, Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert. We’d met a month earlier to set up the book club parameters (how often to meet, what types of books to choose, who would host, what types of wine and cheeses would be served…the important stuff!) and most of us had made it out last month to hear the author in conversation with Heather Reisman discussing Committed.
We didn’t all know one another before this book club was pulled together, and that always makes for some nervous moments for me, meeting new people, knowing we’d be spending time together. It felt a bit like the first day of high school with each of us sussing out the other. By the end of those first couple of meetings we were all laughing like we’d known each other for years, and complaining the next morning that the conversation (and wine) obviously flowed a little too easily.
But this past Wednesday was a different type of test; we were all going to sit in a room and talk about our chosen book. Book clubs can be fraught with social landmines; will someone dominate the conversation? what if someone hated the book that was my choice? what if someone never reads the books? what if we have nothing to say?
Committed was a great first book club selection, because love it or hate it, everyone had something to say about it. If you haven’t heard about it, read a little more here, but essentially it’s the author’s thorough examination of the history and realities of marriage in the western world. The subtitle says it all, “a skeptic makes peace with marriage”.
A couple of us came to this book very wary, having not necessarily embraced Gilbert’s last bestseller, Eat, Pray, Love . But as one member pointed out, “she’s a completely changed chick.”
We all thought the concept was very interesting and everyone whipped through the first one hundred pages. However, the book is very research intense, and became a bit more of a slog for some midway through. In the interest of full disclosure, a couple of members hadn’t finished the entire book (“the author just kept going on and on” ), but were still able to contribute to our conversation about the book, the state of marriage and the state of women.
Where members most enjoyed the book, was where they were able to relate the concepts to their own marriage. We talked for a while about how this would be a great gift for a daughter once she was ready to contemplate marriage. You could almost compile a “top ten tips” for a successful union. Favourites included the advice to “be careful with what you say” when moving towards an argument.
Personally I loved the fact that Gilbert could spend pages and pages determining that marriage was not in any way good for women (married women earn less than single women, suffer more from depression, are less healthy and more prone to alcoholism among other truths). Ultimately, though, the author concludes that, “Sometimes life is too hard to be alone, and sometimes life is too good to be alone.”
We all thought Gilbert had hit the nail on the head with her discussion of the need for intimacy in a marriage; not of the physical kind, but that “lying in bed in the dark at 2am intimacy that only develops in a marriage“. With nineteen kids amongst our members, we’ve all had stages in our marriages when we go days (or weeks) treating our spouse as a colleague in this job of parenting. One member put it so well when she said, “I realized we don’t have pillow talk without purpose anymore; all our pillow talk has purpose.”
Some of us bemoaned the amount of time that Gilbert was able to spend navel-gazing. None of our lives afford us the time for self-discovery that Gilbert was able to do while traipsing through SouthEast Asia for a year. However, we all felt that the lesson that we need to understand our selves, and be happy with our selves, before entering into marriage with another, was a lesson worth passing on. One member read from the book, “One of the things I refuse to burden Felipe with is the responsibility of completing me.”
Some members found Gilbert’s tone to be judgmental. Her view of motherhood is that it’s a selfless act was rejected because all members felt that motherhood can in fact be quite self-serving. At this point in our own lives, we can look at the relationships we have with our children and know we’re taking away as much as we’re putting into them.
Finally one member thought that Liz (we were calling her Liz by this point in our discussion) spent an awful lot of time figuring out how to make her marriage work based on where she and her husband were at that stage of their life. This member pointed out that “we’re not static people; we’re dynamic. The things I want now are different from what I’ll want a year from now.” In the end, while taking time before entering in to marriage to determine what you want from it is critical, it’s not going to offer a money-back guarantee on the longevity of your union.
So in the end, concerns about our members not having much to say about this book were obviously not an issue. We talked about the book, the author, ourselves and our friends. The evening was exactly what I’d hoped for from a book club; different members bringing their own baggage to the chosen topic and all of us benefitting from seeing the book we’d read through different eyes. The next day, I was still getting e-mails from members. One wrote to remind UrbanMoms readers that “this is a serious book; not a light read, but there are glimmers of insight throughout.”
So here’s where the Online aspect of the Book Club comes in. We rely on UrbanMoms members out there in the internets to weigh in with your thoughts on Committed. Did you read it? What did you think? Are you part of a book club that has discussed this book? Contribute a comment and become part of this Online Book Club. You’ll be part of a great group of women, and the only part you’re missing out on is the cheese.
Also, if you’re dying to hear what our next book club selection is, then follow me on Twitter, to be among the first to know. I’m @JenTrend
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I found this book honest and truthful. Having been married for 28 years I agree with the fear of a committment for a woman in todays society.You do need to give a part of yourself away to make a marriage work. To do that you must know yourself. While we are growing together we find sometimes that we are not who we thought we were.I would love to read anything by Elizabeth Gilbert.
I couldn’t finish the book… at first, the facts were interesting and certainly the story of US customs was entertaining. But after that bit, I found myself procrastinating over reading more of the book.
It did make me think of marriage in a new way for a few days. Then life (and marriage!) got busy. I would maybe give Eat, Pray, Love a chance… only if I can get it from the library!
I am reading Eat. Pray Love right now and I am surprised to be enjoying it. I am a bit of a book snob and whenm y friend said it was the kind of book any of could write given her resources I thought I would give it a try. She is a good writer and I like her humour but the truth is I find her bit sad — always looking, grasping for some kind of answers. Obviously, I liked the Eat part best… Though I appreciate her honesty and like Jen said, I think we would be friends if we met in real life..
I am NOt going to read Committed. I’ve had enough…
I read and enjoyed Eat, Pray, Love. Although I didn’t love everything about it I found it compelling and interesting and read it in less than a week. I adored “Liz” when we went to see her speak and felt a kinship with her self-deprecating humour and genuine concern for people. I knew we would be friends if we were ever to get the chance and I picked up Committed with extra zeal knowing Liz and I were pals (at least in my mind!).
But, unfortunately, I found the book painful. I actually tried to find ways to avoid reading it and had to force myself through the pages. In my opinion this book was just plain boring. Liz’s wonderful insight and humour were not present in this book and I found myself wondering on many occasions, “what’s the point?” The facts were interesting but there were far too many. Plus, spewing data with no real point to make is like reading a text book and that is how this felt to me.
I know I was in the minority because most found at least something in the book they enjoyed. I did agree that we don’t think enough about what our expectations are for marriage before we enter into it but this I got more from hearing Liz speak than from reading the book.
I can count on one hand the number of books I have picked up and never managed to finish but, in my busy life when time is gold, I gave up on Committed.
Great review, very thorough, balanced and provocative!
This is a great book, but you you do have go into it with an open mind, willing to learn a little, and challenge your own views. I think the hardest part about this book, is that you expect it to be similar to Eat Pray Love. It isn’t at all. Different voice altogether. When I went to see the author, I was expecting her to be funny & articulate (she was), a little judgemental (she wasn’t at all) and maybe even a little cold (exactly the opposite, she’s warm and loving). She is a women who has figured out how to be happy. This is always a good thing, even if it wouldn’t make us happy! Not sure about her next book — I hear it’s about gardening! Not sure I could make it through a long book about vegetables & flowers.
Overall I would recommend that every woman read this book. It is eye opening, and while you may not agree with everything that Elizabeth Gilbert has written, it definitely gives you a lot of consider. You will look at both your marriage and marriage on a whole much differently after you have finished this book.
I like your post!
I just wrote a post titled “Book Club” and one of my readers commented about being a part of an online book club. I told her that I would not have the time to participate because I’m already reading for my book club, but your idea seems to be perfect for her.
I read Eat, Pray, Love, and liked it. It was a little long here and there, but the author seemed to be a person that I would like. One of my book club members said she’d like to have those experiences, but I reminded her that she was miserable and that misery is what led her to travel. I pass on all misery. 🙂
I’m not familiar with “Commited.”
Best wishes to your group!