I really noticed something interesting, and a little worrisome, about Fiona & Sophie while we were in Cuba. They do not easily interact and play with children they don’t know. At home they have a small group of friends that they play with. I’ve never really thought about it much because they have each other, a ready made playmate who is always available.
In Cuba, I would try to get them to play with other kids. I got involved in the games, conversed with the other child(ren), and tried to orchestrate some play. Often, Fiona & Sophie would hide behind me. One time, a girl playing next to them on the beach tried to help Sophie get water in the pail and Sophie ran away.
I’m wondering if they are shy and reluctant to meet new people because they have each other and they don’t need to meet anyone else to have fun. I haven’t really arranged a lot of play dates. There are several reasons for this:
- There are not many children in Temagami, OK, that’s lame, there are a few and I could try harder.
- I’m too busy, lame also, I know.
- They have each other and it’s easy to just let them play together. They played interactively before most of their peers did, with each other of course. While their peers were still involved in parallel play they were interacting. Now though, it seems like they only engage in parallel play with new kids.
I’m feeling like I’ve done them a disservice and I should try harder to get them out there into social situations. A quick google search brought me to this site which has some good information. For example, shared friends can create intense jealously in twins who can compete over the affection of the friend. I am already seeing signs of jealousy about my attention, Sophie often feels like she is left out because Fiona is more intense and demanding. Shared friends can lead to one twin being left out. I remember this happening with my sister and me, even though we weren’t twins. Often when there are threesomes, one person is left out, especially with girls. This happens regularly when they play with their cousin, Ella. Often Fiona is left out, but sometimes it’s Sophie and she gets very upset
Obviously I need to think about this some more and maybe find a book on older twins (I’ve read plenty on infants and toddlers but….) and it’s time I finally finish “The Social Lives of Children” (I’m trying Jen).
Any multiple moms out there have some advice for me? Do you know of any good books?
BTW, Sunday Surf will continue next week. I didn’t surf at all while in Cuba.
Thanks Amelia and triple blessings. Amelia, I know you’re right, they will develop at their own pace and will do what they need to do (unless they don’t but that’s another kettle of fish).
Sheila, I have to get that book. I’m very forgetful about these things so I will try to remember to order it from MBC soon. Thanks for the stores about your three.
I’ve had the same concerns with our triplets. Often we don’t feel the need to make play dates because the kids always have each other to play with. And having just 1 other child over is awkward because they may compete for that child’s attention (chaotic) or one child may feel excluded (jealousy) or may choose to opt out and just avoid the problem (no fun for that child). So I try to invite 2 or 3 kids over at the same time so everyone has a friend to play with – tricky to schedule, but it makes for lots of noisy fun at our house!
When the kids were 2 to 4 we found a cooperative play group was a good solution, meeting weekly to play with a gang of other kids in a space filled with toys and activities. Lots of friends to choose from, and I got to visit with the other parents – bonus! Story time at the library was good too. Preschool and then kindergarten were great, providing lots of potential playmates, in a structured environment with great learning opportunities. They loved it! And then we had a larger pool of kids we could invite over to play, or meet in the park.
Once our three entered grade one they were placed in different class rooms, which helped promote individual friendships, and led to more separate play dates and birthday invitations, defusing much of the rivalry around friendships, though the girls still share some friends, especially one neighbour girl.
I highly recommend the book Parenting School-Age Twins and Multiples by Christina Baglivi Tinglof, available from Multiple Births Canada or from amazon.ca. (I may have suggested it before – forget if you have read it.) This book talks a lot about social development of multiples, including differences with various twin types (monozygotic or dizygotic, same gender or opposite gender), and advice for parents on how to promote positive behaviours and positive family relationships, and handle many different concerns. The topics cover from preschool age on through elementary and high school, so it will be a good resource now and for years to come. As with many parenting issues, the more good habits and routines you can establish in the early years, the more tools you will have to help navigate issues as the children grow older and friendships become more complicated in the school years.
Getting back to the behaviour you saw with your kids, some of that may have been due to the strange situation and the girls feeling unsure of themselves, some due to lack of practice in meeting and playing with new friends, and some may be just their personality type. Don’t assume that you are at fault, or that you have to “fix the problem”. Sure, some more social opportunities may help, but they probably also learn a lot about sharing, taking turns, negotiation and problem solving through their own twin relationship – valuable life skills!
With my own (trizygotic) children, one is quite a confident and verbal child who would talk to any kids, older or younger, and try to engage them in conversation or play. One is more cautious, somewhat afraid of strangers or large groups, but willing to join one or two other children who are already having fun, and then quickly warms up and plays enthusiastically. And one is much more introverted, was extremely afraid of strangers as a toddler and preschooler, and is still reluctant to talk to new people, and would prefer to play alone rather than take risks with unknown children. That child prefers to let her siblings or school friends make new friendships, and then starts talking and playing once she is sure the new children are “safe”. While we still try to help that child by giving her suggestions on how to break the ice, talk to others, and be a good friend, it does not help to force her into a situation she is uncomfortable with. She often chooses to play alone, and seems to have a higher need for quiet time than her siblings – and that’s okay.
Sorry for the LONG answer, hope some of this is helpful…
so, I’m not a mom of a multiple but here is what I have to say about this. I think there is WAY too much emphasis on getting children to socialize early. Most children want to be playing either what their parents are doing, or being in social situations they know are safe. I think it’s really natural for children to be shy, and personally, it’s great for me that ariadne is not picking up all sorts of crazy weird behaviour and values from interacting with random children all the time.
Your kids are still young, they will have plenty of time (really their WHOLE LIVES!) to interact with other people and the fact that they don’t want to now doesn’t mean that they never will.
Go easy on yourself. they have a special bond with each other, and that’s fine. it’s their path. they will always be close with each other and that is such a blessing.
Ariadne barely plays with people her own age, but i think it’s because she’s confused as to what to do. socializing can be really challenging and maybe they are just not developmentally ready to explore that yet. Let them grow at their own pace.
And, I think whatever you do, you are a wonderful mom!