It must be hard being a twin sometimes, having to compete for attention and always being compared to your twin.
Lately, my girls are arguing more. They still play really well together but they are definitely getting more competitive. I’m sure it’s partly an age related developmental thing.
When they were babies, they would sometimes fight over a toy by grabbing it from the other. Sometimes they still do. In the beginning, Sophie met her milestones slightly before Fiona, sitting, crawling, walking. By about 18 months though, it would vary. Now, Fiona is meeting many milestones first, she learned how to pump on a swing and Sophie can’t quite get the rhythm. 
Now though, they always want to be first at everything and they want individual attention more. Even walking down to the dock, they both want to be first. I let them both “beat” me down there and that helps but one still usually “beats” the other and that leads to tears. They are also jockeying for space on my lap, in my arms and in the carrier (when I haul it out – I used to carry them both in carriers but now they’re too heavy). I find this really trying on my patience although I understand their demands. They always want my attention at the same time, they don’t want to take turns on my lap or in the carrier. If I take one for a walk and leave the other with Daddy then there are more tears, it’s all Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, all the time.
Another thing is their clothes. They’ve started fighting over outfits (we decided not to dress them the same). For their fall clothes I let them choose some of the pieces and they chose the same ones so now we have duplicates of many tops and bottoms (seems a shame because they could have twice the variety if they shared – but sharing is hard isn’t it).
They have also started excluding one another when they are in a group of three with their cousin E (she plays a role in this dynamic also). For a long time it was Fiona who was left out but she didn’t mind and would play on her own. This summer, Fiona and E would play a lot together and leave out Sophie who would come to me crying and hurt. This is a dynamic I also deal with at work, some of the girls in my class excluding one (the one excluded often changes) so I need some help with that also.
I think it’s time to start reading about twin relationships and parenting older twins, also time to finish the book Best Friends, Worst Enemies: Understanding the Social Lives of Children. I’m hoping someone out there has some advice for me. I also think it’s time for a Mom’s night for Temiskaming Multiple Births, I can get some advice from the moms of older twins and commiserate with the moms of twins around my girls’ age. I guess this is similar to other sibling relationships so parents of multi-age sibling out there, do you have any advice for me?
Here’s a photo of them loving each other. One thing they worked on together was the haircuts they gave themselves and each other. This photo shows them with their professional “repair” cuts.
love this look into your girls’ lives & personalities!
Interesting, I always assumed that twins= best friends…always together, always getting along.
I can recommend the book by Christina Baglivi Tingloff called Parenting School-Age Twins and Multiples. (She also wrote Double Duty.) It’s available to order from Multiple Births Canada, or on amazon. This book talks in depth about encouraging sibling relationships and calming rivalry, recognizing your children’s different needs, developing identity and promoting individuality, double discipline, combatting competition and promoting cooperation… as well as questions of education, school placement and so on which you will encounter as your girls reach preschool and kindergarten age. It’s a really good read, and you’ll probably continue to use it in the years ahead.
Another classic book is Siblings without Rivalry by Faber and Mazlish, probably available in your local library. It gives some very helpful tips about framing discussions and talking to your children without making comparisons, reflecting their feelings and so on to help defuse the competition. I believe there will always be rivalry, but there are ways to handle it in a more healthy way to help your kids.
Some of the issues you`re seeing now have continued through age 10 with our triplets, and probably will continue for years to come! Not so much the physical battling for mom’s lap, but the competition for time and attention and who’s first, fastest, who gets to choose today’s activity and so on. And the competition for friends, and excluding behaviour, or teasing that goes too far – it’s worth spending a lot of time to teach kindness, empathy and treating others as you’d like to be treated.
We’ve spent years teaching our children different ways to take turns, share and choose, including using a kitchen timer to take turns for 2 minutes each with a favourite toy, playing eenie meenie miney moe, rolling a dice… Some families choose a Child of the Day and mark it on the calendar, and that day’s child will get to choose the TV show, help in the kitchen, ride in the “favourite” seat, go on a shopping trip or whatever. The other child(ren) can see that it will be their turn tomorrow, and they learn that it all works out evenly in the end.
You’ll all figure it out together! I will have to read that book you suggested, too.
Another great post!
I love reading everything you have to write about your girls!
The haircuts – priceless! My babysitters daughter gave me the same cut when I was 5 – the day before picture day in kindergarten.
Erin:
Big hug! This certainly is one of the unique issues of having multiples. Sibling rivalry x2 – it’s more complicated when the girls have never really ever had Mom to themselves. Even when two babies are born a year apart – they still have had an opportunity to have Mom exclusively to bond with her during their first year of life.
When they fight remember, this too will pass, and in a half hour they’ll be back to being buddies. It’s not easy being a twin – but, then it’s not easy being a Mom of twins sometimes either. Most times though – we wouldn’t want to have it any other way!
When do you want to do the Moms Night Out? I’m game! ;o)
Gail
Love the title of your post…that was clever 🙂
So much of what you describe happens to me (still!) and my kids are 2yrs 8mths apart! In a way, the bickering may even be a bit harder when there is an age difference in play because Charlotte is older, and therefore knows more, is stronger, etc. and she can (and does) use those advantages to beat out and humiliate Maddy whenever possible.
The competition for Mommy, the excluding of one or the other (that’s a dynamic of threesomes), the fighting for space on my lap…all sounds very familiar. Sometimes I resort to asking them, “how many of me are there?” (to which they reply “one” in dejected voices) “and how many of you are there?” usually they get the point and figure out that I’m not prepared to be mobbed by them both at once. Then again, sometimes I sit down and cuddle them both on my lap. They also sometimes grab me and say, “MY Mommy!” back and forth, interspersed with “no, not your Mommy…MY MOMMY!” (yes, they are 7 and 9!!!)
So…yeah. I think sibling rivalry looks a lot alike whether your kids are minutes or years apart.
ERin – I LOVE the pics … especially the fighting ones. Will’s best buddies are twins and I’m fascinated watching how they interact and share with each other and then what happens when you toss Will into the mix, which happens often. Twins fascinate me!