I see my life, as it’s taken place so far, as having 2 parts. The part that existed before my Mum died, and the part after. Everything that has taken place is either "pre" or "post" that devastating day.
Right after it happened, I remember knowing at that moment that this was how it was going to be. I knew then that whatever happened from now onwards would never be perfect, complete or golden. And that’s true. Weddings, the births of my kids, whatever, no matter how special or joyous – there are shadows. Thoughts of "what if" and whispers of what could have, should have been.
I also remember thinking that the loss of such a tremendous force in my life demanded a tribute so huge, so grand that it would shout out to humanity the magnitude of my loss, the greatness of this one person who loved me so perfectly and gave her life and heart to her family. I thought – a book should be written, pronouncements should be made…the world should be made to know what it has lost.
Now, almost 8 years later, and I’ve yet to write that book. I am hoping that someday I will – or make my statement of honor in some other significant way. I’ve come to realise, however, that I am able to pay tribute to my beautiful mother every day: So much of what I do, who I am has been shaped by her in every way. I honor her with the way I chop an onion, with purple and pink fuschia baskets that I hang outside my front door, with saying prayers with my kids before they sleep and with how I put on my lip gloss (just on the bottom lip and then smudge) and with my choice of shoes for the summer (taupe shoes elongate the leg), with always writing thank-you notes, and always being polite.
My mom’s words echo in my mind throughout the day, her messages and training guiding me through this life and helping me face and overcome the challenges of my day-to-day. Her voice is so powerful even now, years after her passing. I hope that I can have a fraction of that profound impact on my own children and their development.
At the time, whether it was sitting in the kitchen begrudgingly learning to cook, or at my little girl desk writing out thank you notes and letters to my grandparents, I didn’t appreciate these life lessons. Now, I realise that they’re invaluable. My mother gave me the knowledge and power to walk into any room, feel confident, be comfortable and make others comfortable (at least I hope so). She taught me to express myself through writing and voice, and to listen and accept the expressions of others. I would give anything to have her with me right now, but I take solace in the incredible skill set she has given me to live in this world.
I just read your post and it saddened me. Your mom must of been a great person, because she is so much a part of who you are, and you my friend are a wonderful person in every way! This was a great tribute to your mom! I really enjoyed reading it.
This is beautiful, Amreen. She sounds like she was lovely.
A friend of mine once said almost the same thing to me about the loss of her very young brother – that no matter how happy she could ever be again, there was now a permanent shadow that she carried with her. And it hurts to think of how many people just carry on with this kind of pain, these losses that can’t heal.
Amreen..
I remember your Mom very fondly. I remember her as being a very beautiful, lovely LADY, in every sense of the word. My mom has a picture of herself with your Mom at an event in our home when your Mom dressed up the other ladies in traditional Indian dress – a great photo!
I am sure that she has passed on to you all her wonderful characteristics. Thank you for writing your tribute to her – she would be so very proud of you.
I could have written most of your post. I feel exactly like you do (cliche I know).
My life is divided pre and post my mom’s death. I used date events based on my children’s birth dates, and for nearly five years it is all around the death of my mom. That cloud has been with me too and sometimes I still feel I can’t be deeply happy or enjoy any moment as much as I should or could because that death and pain of it is always there.
You noted too that it isn’t so much the loss of what we had, it is knowing the future loss…the places and events we won’t share in our lives.
We mothers spend so much time chatting and thinking about our kids, and so little time preparing ourselves and supporting each other when one of our parents dies. It is tragic, it is deep pain that shapes our lives forever. Caring for a sick parent, watching a parent die, trying to put pieces back together, trying to be the rock for your sad kids when you just want to die too…. We need to tell each other these stories. We need to share how to survive this. This is the stuff that hurts. This is the true test of parenthood and of our humanity and strength.
I laughed and cried with your post. I saw myself in it. I felt my mom with me. She is always with me. Laughing, crying, loving.
Thanks for writing it.
What a beautiful way to remember your mum is and always will be a part of you …
Amreen, you are writing your tribute to her right here. Thank you for sharing those powerful emotions with us.
Wow, Amreen. You are lucky to have had such a wonderful mom and lucky too to recognize and continue her legacy.