Hallowe’en is approaching, and with it all measure of scary things. Ghosts, goblins, witches: the usual. Things that don’t so much get us scared as give us an opportunity to play around with being scared, and give us an opportunity to teach our children how to have a little fun with fear.
But what about real fear? How do we address our real fears, as parents? And how to we find a balance between dealing with those fears and teaching our children to take certain fears seriously and not freaking them – and ourselves – out?
Or do we all – parents and children – need to be fully freaked out about certain things?
These questions came to mind when I read CrazyMumma’s recent posts about an uncomfortable experience that she had recently, in which her feelings of discomfort very quickly turned to fear, real fear. Heart-shaking fear. She’s been struggling with how to deal with this fear, and the fallout from this fear, ever since. Her story has inspired me to reflect on such fear. And it’s been keeping me up at night.
You should go read it yourself, but the short version of the story is this: after a lovely Thanksgiving dinner at their neighbours’ home, an adult guest paused while getting ready to leave and offered CrazyMumma’s daughter money to leave with him. A joke, it seems. But not a very funny joke. In fact, once the weight of what he had said sunk in for CrazyMumma, it became the furthest thing imaginable from a joke. It became terrifying, truly terrifying, if only in possibility.
If only in possibility. This the parenthetical clause upon which it all hinges, no? We stake our peace of mind, our sanity, on the belief that it cannot happen to us, to our children. But it is always a possibility. And that possibility is scarier than any ghost or any goblin.
And because it always remains a possibility, in a way that confrontations with ghosts and goblins do not, we have to address it. We cannot, must not, rely upon the hope embedded in that aforementioned parenthetical clause, upon the idea that, although terrible things are always possible, they are only remotely possibly. We must do everything that we can to guard ourselves -our children – against such possibility.
But what does this look like? All of the commenters to CrazyMumma’s two posts had wonderful suggestions. And Karen over at TrollBaby took up CrazyMumma’s story and asked her readers what they do to empower their children to deal with the unthinkable.
And now I’m going to ask you – because I think that we need to be talking about this, and sharing our ideas and strategies with one another, and because there is no such thing as too much information when it comes to protecting our children – what do you (or will you) do, to protect your children? To empower your children to protect themselves? What sorts of conversations do you or will you have with them?
And – because I need to know this, and I know that CrazyMumma does too – what do you do to soothe yourself when you are overwhelmed by these fears? How do you get to sleep at night, especially after reading a post like hers, or – worse, far worse – reading about possibility-made-real in the newspaper?
Or does being a parent mean that you never, ever, sleep peacefully again?
I agree that it’s really important to talk openly and frequently with our kids. I also try to share all the ways that an adult might use to trick a child to go with him or her. For instance, my daughter wouldn’t go with somebody for candy, but if they said they needed help or had a puppy in their car, oh boy, off she’d go. We’ve talked about that. We’ve also talked about what she should do if someone ever does try to grab her, and where she should run for help if she ever needs to.
Body parts have also been talked about openly and naturally since my daughter could first understand language. She knows what’s okay touching and not okay touching. And I’ve had her role play what she would say if a friend or an adult suggested not okay touching. Additionally, we play fun “Memory” and “Awareness” games to help make my daughter more naturally alert to her surroundings, without freaking her out.
I think there’s a fine line between making our children aware of the dangers out there and pushing them over the edge into needless fear and anxiety. I find it to be a delicate balance.
To keep myself sane, I remind myself that, yes, these terrible things do happen. AND, thankfully, they are not the norm.
I like what kittenpie said. Adding layers of communication is the best way to protect our kids. Thank you Catherine, for continuing to talk about this very important topic.
Karen
thank you catherine.i’m glad you opened up that pandora’s box.but you’re right we,mothers need to be aware of things like this.thank you for your concern and the oppurtunity to discuss this very serious issue.
Lavendula – your story is terrifying, but I’m so grateful that you shared it. It’s exactly this sort of thing that we need to be so mindful of.
I’m so sorry that your child had this experience, and so sorry for your experience of it. I simply can’t imagine. But I MUST imagine, so that I can protect.
Thank you.
hi i would just like to say that even though the pediatric specialist my child went to(his gut instincts told him she wasn’t touched).my child isn’t the same little girl.something innocent was taken and can never be replaced.my happy,joyful,even though very serious,little girl just isn’t the same.so if you have a feeling about someone i would urge you to strongly keep yuor child from having contacted.once something has been taken it can never be given back.
To me, this is a conversation you have to keep having, adding layers as they can handle them.
Early on, I think it’s important to just ask them about stuff and keep close tabs on them. Teaching them to say No and Don’t Do That, I Don’t Like It for anything from pushing or grabbing on up is a start, too, giving them that voice to protest on their own behalf.
Adding on about who to talk to or not, about how they don’t have to do anything that makes them feel uncomfortable and should tell us about it, that sort of thing will come along next, and as her world and understanding gets a bit bigger, I can give her more information and tools.
For now when we go out she is always right with us. Scary, though, that attempted snatching in the states the other day that happened with parents standing right there… Thank goodness they ran the guy down. There is one neighbour couple who, though they have a kid, seem to have some serious problems with anger, and she sure will never go over there.
sorry for the scattered thoughts, here, my head is hurting me today.
I try and be as open and honest with my kids about our bodies and the parts that go along with them. We use the real words and not cutesy terms. I want them to own their body parts and understand them as much as they can for their own particular age group.
Sometime my kids will start conversations about these topics when I have not initiated the subject, which is great they are not afraid to discuss. Their timing may not suit others in our presence, I do not freak out, I just steer the conversation away from that particular room and go elsewhere to talk.
My Mom thinks I am over protective but I know I only get one chance to try and make their childhood experience be what it should. I cannot control all situations but I do what I can. I do not let it overwhelm my thoughts as do not want to give my valuable energy to the creeps that surround us (everywhere). Perhaps if the legal system gave some more ‘time’ in jail for when offenders hurt people as some predators get no time at all. Also criminals who steal monetary objects (that can be replaced) get way more time in jail than sexual offenders, who steal innocence that cannot ever be replaced.
The way to get the news out is to talk about it. All of us, Moms and Dads, Grandparents, friends etc.
I had a situation when my son was 3 with a slightly older playmate making him do things that were inappropriate and made him uncomfortable. The mom of the other child thought it was funny. I definitely DID NOT. My son looked at me with these confused and scared eyes. He knew what was happening felt wrong but didn’t know how to stop it. It was not a major deal because I intervened but it certainly could have been.
Ever since then I have been very open with my kids. Maybe I tell them too much and maybe they are a little too aware but I want them to know that this stuff is real and not everyone is nice with good intentions. We had an incident this summer where the kids were playing in the park and a nanny offered them candy. I am sure she was just trying to be nice but NO WAY. I was thrilled that my now 7 year old immediately got his younger sister and came over to me but his sister was hysterical that she couldn’t have the candy. Sometimes the only protection when they are really young is to be there.
We talk all of the time about respect for yourself and others and what actions and body parts are “private”. We talk all the time about how there are no secrets from mommy and daddy (with my 7 year old I usually say between him and another adult or big kid because he has friends who trust him). We also talk about how no matter what, we love them. We will not be angry as long as they tell us the truth. This is hard because it has to be modeled behaviour as they will pick up right away if you are disingenuous.
I know a young man who was molested as a child and he said he always assumed his parents knew but just didn’t ever do or say anything so he thought they must have thought it was OK. It was a close family friend. His parents NEVER talked about anything like this with him. He simply didn’t know.
This is really hard and really scary. I am now dealing with it on the computer as well as my son has been wanting to venture out online a bit. Parental Controls here I come!
hi catherine i have a very frightening and hopefully cautionary tale for you & your readers.i’ll make it short & too the point as i have a sick feeling in my stomach.i have a 6 year old daughter.and we have had her to a pediatric specialist,and she recently finished play therapy.the trouble started last year in kindergarten.she was having trouble fitting in etc, at school.teachers called me in because 1 of them thought maybe she had been sexually abused.so any ways shes been to family dr,specialist who works with abused children and play therapy.she is settled in better at school but she never did disclose what happened to her.we know it was next door,and its so hard having them there.she always to play with little girl next door.and very hard to always say no.we let them play outside if being monitored,but definitrely not inside.so i would urge all mums to be extra mindful of who children are at play with