It has been a number of months since I began this duplicitous life. I know it can’t last. And, really, I don’t want it to. The last while has been a period of self-discovery but also intense emotional pain and stress. The deception is killing me but it is also what keeps me getting out of bed every morning. I have never felt so alive but I ache at the thought of those I will hurt and fear paralyzes me from taking action. Truthfully, I don’t know what I will do. I know I can’t stay but the thought of leaving my life is unfathomable. I am not that person. Or, at least, I wasn’t before.
I have started to see a therapist. Ironically it was at Joel’s suggestion. He who finds mental illness a cop-out and emotions a sign of weakness found my distance and resistance beyond his tolerance so he has shipped me off to a shrink for fixing. Plus, I was skipping time with my personal trainer, missing my weekly manicure and hair appointments and I think he was concerned that I was letting myself go. And Joel needs me in tip-top shape emotionally and physically for those times I am required to be on display and perform my role as The Perfect Wife.
My first impression of Dr. C. was not good. She could have been one of the ladies at the club, perfectly coiffed, fit and fabulous. I decided immediately that she could not be trusted. But over the last few visits I have started to see her for who she is, a woman with a job to do who might actually be able to help me. And most importantly, a confidante who will not judge and who will not, in fact can not, rat me out.
We have yet to dive into the whole story but I am slowly peeling away the layers for her. It is amazing because in spelling it out I am learning a lot too. I have always been a rule follower. I ignored my true self from the time I was a child when I realized being pretty and obedient would take me a lot farther than being unique and inquisitive. People constantly praised me so I swallowed my questions and opinions and smiled sweetly.
I identified early that a good and pretty girl like me could easily achieve the ultimate goal. I didn’t let my passion for art or debate or the eclectic draw me away from the plan of marrying well and having a life others would envy. I ignored all of the signs, and there were many. Warnings that this was not a life that would fulfill me and that Joel was not a man who would make me happy. But I was blinded by the need to have it all and to live the dream life I had seen in magazines and movies for as long as I could remember. I was intent on meeting everyone’s expectations for me.
And I did. I got all of that, the successful and handsome husband, the big house, two beautiful children, enough money to buy whatever I wanted and travel to exotic places. All of my dreams came true. But what I am beginning to realize is that they were not really my dreams at all. It was a massive manipulation, a trick and I fell for it hook, line and sinker. My dreams were different and despite the fact that I buried them and avoided them my whole life they never died. They are still there and are just now bubbling to the surface, finding the strength to break-through. Now, I am finding the strength and courage to face and eventually embrace my truth.
You are a very clever person!
wow you hit it 0n the dot will submit to reddit
Der Inhalt deiner Page ist herrlich. Das einzige was mich noch einbisschen ärgert ist der Design. Anyway besten Dank!, Liebe Grüsse aus Stutgart
100% agreed. I think there are plenty of people who can relate to this story (either as Joel, Lyla, or Jackson) in the past, present or perhaps the future tense. And if this helps anyone thru their own journey, then it’s worth having here.
If this can help anyone see the torture Lyla is going thru as a result of her affair, then perhaps they will avoid one themselves. The short term pleasure just isn’t worth the long term pain. Really, all it will do is confuse you, tie you in knots, and leave you bleeding on the curb, begging for a simpler life.
Therapy is Lyra’s best option. And should have been even before her photography class. Unfortunately for her, it took this ordeal for her to recognize it. At least she is there now. And as long as she continues, she will be well on the path to healing (even with bumps in the road like what happened ater she told the Doc)
Wow. wow. I’m going to admit – I don’t often Lyla’s posts. It’s not my cup of tea – I can’t relate. Maybe Lyla doesn’t read my posts because my life as a single mom doesn’t resonate with her. But after reading Nancy’s post about infidelity, I thought I’d stop over here and see what was up.
I just want to pass on some love to Jen because regardless of how you feel about infidelity etc – to pass judgement on her as THE urbanmom for including this blog is inane and offensive. You don’t like it – don’t read it – but don’t be so hateful. God – what a bad taste this has all left in my mouth. I don’t want to read about infidelity so I don’t. I remember when I wrote my old blog and some guy wrote in to tell me I’m an idiot and I replied…really, I must have something if you’re tuning in.
Again – I don’t agree with Lyla’s choice so I don’t read it. BUT there are many women going through this and if they can relate and feel not so alone, so be it.
There is something wrongwith your page. You need to upgrade
Seriously interesting discussion here, folks.
I have just posted some thoughts on infidelity this morning for those of you who might like to take a look
http://www.urbanmoms.ca/flying_solo/2011/05/grass-is-grass.html
I also want to say that I hope Lyla keeps writing. I don’t agree with what she is doing but hopefully she is finding it helpful or is helping others as Jane mentioned. Why her blog should be judged any differently than any other I am not sure. This and other sites have bloggers who write about all aspects of their personal lives, their individual values and beliefs and their families. These often include issues that some people wont agree with but does that mean we should not have them post either. That means we won’t have discussions on home schooling, divorce, religion, so many others that have been such an addition to urbanmoms. I always felt urbanmoms was created to put forward a variety of things ALL parents might be interested or find helpful. That includes companies or products some of us might not support and a variety of blogs that some of us may or may not read. I thank Jen for bringing all of these to us and not limiting it to her beliefs or others, and letting these discussions continue.
I have a concern for all the multiple posters on this blog. Who’s watching your kids, girls, while you yammer away here. Read the blog, don’t read the blog but shut up already. It’s her life, we find it interesting. I also want to hear about moms addicted to crack or who realize they are gay in mid life. And, I LOVE Walmart.
In those cases of published magazine or news stories that state “name changed to protect identity” still occurred by the involved persons consent! And those “based on real events” stories are always on the topic of a crime that had occurred like the narrator was molested by a pedophile.
Come on, come on already stop these continued excuses for LylaD. You, I, every one of us know that we honestly think and feel without doubt that her blog is in the wrong format -that is, it’s on a business’s website- and it should be written in a paper or private computer journal to read to her therapist. We know this, and to make ourselves intractable in support, in this case, our misguided belief that Lyla’s right to do this, it’s her right to do anything, Lyla is a big girl, and Lyla has a right to free speech is entitlement garbage.
With free speech, the one who receives the speech has the right to not get disrespected, abused, have their trust broken, etc. So Lyla can be free in her speech but not free enough to trespass, trample on, disrespect, abuse, break trust by her writing with those people who can be harmed because of their relationships with her. She can be free but she has to be responsible and accountable.
Anyway, anonymous is right to stop being a customer of Urbanmoms.ca. I was thinking the same since those of us who are appalled at Urban Moms for hosting a blog on current cheating are being ignored. And yes, the woman’s cheating is current.
And I can no longer mince nor grind out valid reasons anymore. Jen ignores mine and others valued observations and requests for her Urban Moms business to be ethical and above from hosting a pseudonym’s cosmo magazine style sensationalism on her current cheating. I didn’t come to Urban Moms to read Cosmo. What mission statement is Urban Moms’?
We want Urban Moms to not be a tabloid nor publish about real people without their knowledge and consent.
We are valuable clientele, and you’ve alienated us. We will be missed and whatever others say does not downplay what we were worth to Urbanmoms.ca.
Just one point though: I’ve read many, many magazine articles that state “name changed to protect identity”. This is no different.
Choosing just to stop reading without explaining the why doesn’t change anything. I tell Walmart/Nestle/Monsanto why I won’t support them. And I think that Urbanmoms deserves the same courtesy. UM doesn’t have to listen to me. It’s well within Jen’s perogative to ignore me. But as Jen probably knows, there’s a marketing truism that says for every 100 customers who leave only 1 will give you the courtesy of telling you why and from there you can often learn more than you can from 100 loyal readers. That others have also stated they feel this blog isn’t reflective of what they had hoped UM would be should give Jen and the other bloggers here pause if nothing else. I can judge because I am a “customer” and I have every right to determine what kind of business ethics I want to support. It’s one of the most important roles consumers play in the market place.
I won’t be back. And sadly I’ve removed the link to other UM bloggers I enjoy from my blog because as you say, I don’t want to be seen promoting this sort of thing.
Jen if you are feeling attacked I’m sorry – that wasn’t my intent. I do think though that this topic deserves more consideration than you apparently have given it. I appreciate the opportunity to be heard.
Best of luck with your business.
Yet being vocal about this blog is being missed in point. Jen has done several good things for our commenting here. She’s moderated us to not argue with each other directly. But why Lyla’s blog is wrong to be on Urbanmoms.ca is being missed in point. Even if I or others don’t read it, shouldn’t Lyla make herself aware that journaling her affair not on a business website, and instead sharing her story with the professionalism of the therapist is the better choice?
And why do I voice my reasons against Lyla’s blog here? It’s because I’m one of those of us who had a parent that was cheated on or we were cheated on.
I truly understand, and am talking from the receiving end of broken trust, lies, and garbled speeches on entitlement junk of “I deserve” , “I’ve missed out” , “I’m on a journey to find myself” and other buzz words of Me and I.
On the receiving end, we know cheating and the cruelty of the erring family member who only talks about “me, me, me. I. I. I.” as self-involvement? When I use selfish it’s heard by several of you as white noise.
But selfish has to be heard out. And we all know that we don’t put up with selfish trips and selfishness from people we have relationships with? We call them selfish, or being a jerk, and stop only talking and thinking about your feelings.
And please see that much earlier in these postings, I commented “good for Lyla on starting to see a therapist because that’s a better decision”. So she gets some congrats for starting to make better choices. And hopefully will be committed in going to see the therapist.
To Lyla – please continue to tell your story. Some of us need to read it. Some of us need to know we are not alone, that other women have felt the way that we have felt. Rarely can we talk to our friends, because anyone who has never been in that type of situation can not possibly understand it.
To those who don’t like it – maybe you should choose to stop reading it.
Jen, even from those of us who accept your statements to not read Lyla’s blog can’t work as your reason.
Look Lyla is not owing up to her behaviour as wrong. Not truly, which puts those of us off who accept your various announcements to not read Lyla’s blog.
Isn’t Lyla being inexcusable by doing *fancy mental footwork*, by writing entitlement junk by words like “deserves” , “never taken anything for Myself” , etc.?
Lyla is out to lunch whenever she writes about entitlement that we know is immature. If we were her family getting her speech about “deserves” and “never had” and about entitlement, we would just call her immature, on a selfish trip, and grow up please.
We would confront her because we know we don’t deserve her reasons, speechs, tears about entitlement, having missed out on her “personal happiness”, and “deserves” stuff.
If you Jen would tell me that if you were her family who was having their trust broken by Lyla and would actually put her trip on yourself as dumping garbage on yourself, then you’re not being honest with me and others who voice that Lyla is acting up and dumping garbage on her family.
I know 13 & 14 year olds who know that acting up and writing self-entitled junk as Lyla is doing is wrong to her family and is immature, garbage, and the tears from a rich girl.
Yes, Lyla is rich and living in privilege (she was right to wonder if those of us would be put off by her getting many things, like a very helpful nanny). Her husband Joel even gave her the services of a nanny and would shower her with anything for her to be happy.
Jen are you going to take this discussion down and then state that comments against Lyla and her blog are no longer permitted?
If you are going to censor, then you alienate several of us who are worth much for your business, Urbanmoms.ca, to have as your customers and brand ambassadors. Do you want to alienate a swath of your clientele?
Why are you risking your business and business reputation for LylaD? The woman won’t risk for your business. No she simply writes by a pseudonym, LylaD. You, Jen, safeguards her personal information (info that you contact to pay her) but she has nothing of yours, like your business reputation, to risk herself for and to protect.
Finally Lyla is called brave for blogging anonymously? So she’s brave to cheat and tell in a blog? But isn’t she NOT brave because she isn’t brave by not confessing the truth to her husband and family???
However please remember that CHARLES & DIANA were public figures in the category of politicians, celebrities. This public life entails invasion of privacy. Remember that.
What concerns those of us who are voicing reasons against Lyla’s blog at Urbanmoms.ca is that she’s exposing not public figures – so not politicians and celebrities. And because her family are private citizens they absolutely have the right to legal recourse because the journalist ethics and common sense ethics are being violated. Journalists do not publish private citizens’ family & personal events or their life in tabloid format, and only publish when they have express consent from the family themselves.
Any one of you know that journalists don’t publish family stories or events or tragedies whenever they Do Not have the consent of the family. There’s publication bans? You know this!
Also the only circumstance that a family’s tragedy is ever published is specifically when crime is involved. And even then some names are under a publication ban.
But those of you who tell those of us to not read it, to even not read Urbanmoms.ca, and other reasons, aren’t listening to the very valid observations that others and myself have posted here so far.
No matter what Lyla wants to view herself and her family life as, the very real fact is that her family is NOT a royal family (Charles & Diana?), her family is NOT a political family (Bill & Hilary Clinton?), her family is NOT a celebrity family (Brad & Angelina?), and this means that Lyla’s family (husband, kids, other vested people) are being trespassed by us and Lyla is completely trespassing, even as libel, violating them as she blogs to us at Urbanmoms.ca her breaking of trust with her husband Joel.
Wow. This is intense! I’d have to say I agree with Alice: the best way for people to make their point about the blog is not to read it. Don’t shop at Walmart? Don’t buy Nestle? Then don’t read this blog if you don’t like it, either. Clicks are the currency of the internet – the more you jump into the fray, the more you are promoting this blog you’re attacking!
And, by the by, the publicization of “private” affairs is nothing new. Think Charles & Diana, for one of the most famous examples. But it happens, and has happened all the time. It’s just that the internet and social media have changed the way we interact with each other and share information forever.
Hi, Jen – I’m over here following your tweet about feeling attacked because honestly, I am not very comfortable with this blog, either, so I have been avoiding reading it, as anyone else here in comments has the option of doing, as well. The fact is that UrbanMoms is of course free to have what bloggers it/you want to host, and we as readers/consumers are in turn free to read what we want and send messages about what we want to read with our clicks or lack of them. I’m sorry people are making you feel attacked rather than simply making their point that way.
My one quibble with your note is that honestly, I do feel Layla is doing a lot of fancy mental footwork justifying what she’s doing, and that is much of what makes me so very uncomfortable with this. If she were straight-up about knowing she’s making bad choices and doesn’t care or were hashing out how she was going to make this right, I might (possibly) feel differently, but I did see her saying a lot in the couple of entries I’ve read about how she “deserves” this and how she’s never taken anything for herself before, and so on, and that’s really what made me decide that I couldn’t read any more of it, to be honest.
Wow people. If you don’t like it, don’t read it. Lyla has a right to share her story, and Urban Moms has a right to print it, as much as you have a right to NOT READ IT if it upsets or offends you. Make your own choices and stop attacking others for making theirs.
I think urbanmoms.ca has the right to post Lyla’s story if Lyla has given the site that right. I think it’s a shame that commenters are choosing to chastise Jen and urbanmoms.ca for giving Lyla a place to tell her story. It’s called free speech.
I, however, choose not to read Lyla’s story. I’ve checked in on it a few times, and frankly it makes me sick to my stomach. My husband cheated on me and left me with two young children. Many years have passed since then and I can acknowledge that our marriage was not perfect. But I was betrayed by my husband. The fact is there was a problem in our marriage and his choice to take up with another woman only created more problems. An affair is not a solution, it is the farthest thing from a solution that I can imagine. Lyla owes it to her husband, to her children, to all of the people that were at her wedding and who have supported her family in the past, to herself, to deal with whatever problems exists within that marriage.
Wow. Just checked in here and can’t believe the drama! The thing that no one seems to be seeing is that the woman writing this story has never said when it happened or even IF it happened. For all we know this could be years ago and it may even be fiction.
I have spent a lot of time on UrbanMoms over the years and have not always agreed with what I read (boo McDonald’s!) BUT I respect and admire Jen and the UrbanMoms community for never censoring our voices and always representing a diverse range of people and perspectives.
You may not like Lyla’s story or her choices but obviously there are many others who get something from reading about it. Who are you to decide this is “‘wrong”?
Kudos to UrbanMoms for taking a step back and keeping an open mind. We have a lot to learn from the mistakes of others.
However Urbanmoms.ca is yours, and you can alienate (since this website is yours) those of us who post very valid opinions that are against Lyla’s blogging because we focus on the bigger picture of the husband, kids and other vested people who are having their trust broken by her.
I agree with anonymous and am concerned you, Jen, are letting Urbanmoms.ca be a tabloid magazine or just like a newspaper (but without the journalist ethics to not publish the family nor personal situations of private citizens or of those who aren’t public figures, politicians, etc.).
What’s the mission of Urbanmoms.ca? I was thinking that your company was informational like Parents Today and not a tabloid that hosts publishing a family’s betrayal as it is happening, and without their knowledge and consent?
Why is this Joel guy (the cheated on husband) not even being thought of much by Urbanmoms.ca? Why are you being a booster for Lyla and also saying to those of us who state it’s wrong and lacking in empathetic consideration for Lyla to blow up the privacy of her husband/kids and air them and portray them here on Urbanmoms.ca as characters in her story? Don’t you let yourself see that this web audience reads her blog for suspenseful entertainment?
Lyla’s blog runs very similiar to talk show confessionals (Oprah anyone?) AND it runs very strongly similiar to an episodic reality series. It’s being published as it happens, like a reality show. Should you not as the head of Urbanmoms.ca look beyond Lyla and look at her husband and kids that she’s exposing to us, this web audience?
Why censor us, the people who state give dignity to the husband and kids by not acting as the forum for Lyla to parade these people around by her writing as pseudonyms, and without their knowledge and consent? It’s awful enough that the kids aren’t legally entitled to give consent. So they’re subject to the whims of Lyla’s choice to publish her blog here.
Really come on, give the cheated on Joel the husband consideration. Where’s your empathy for him? Anyway, I don’t think you really want to allow us who are appalled by Lyla’s blog to state so on your company Urbanmoms.ca.
>>From: anonymous
Jen I have posted these same thoughts on previous entries of this blog using my own name and email and they were never published. I figured anonymous must be the only way to get the comments published.
I’m sorry it smarts.
You are right – you are free to run your business however you want. I just think you should know that it can and will have a detrimental effect in your business within a certain the demographic. Maybe I am just not your target market because I think businesses (and urbanmom.ca is a business right?) has a responsibility to act ethically for the benefit of their employees (which would cover Lyla and her family) and their audience/customers, and the broader community(ie the people who may think this glorified account of “finding oneself” through infidelity deserves to be considered in their own lives). I don’t shop at Walmart, I don’t buy Nestle or Monsanto products I disagree with their ethics – despite the fact that their spokespeople tell me what they are doing is for the “greater good” or that plenty of other people think it is fine.
As adults, we can have a discussion about infidelity, or on staying grounding in our dreams or maintaining a sense of self without exploiting the heartbreaking difficult experiences of a young family. You have the power to make the choice about what format that discussion takes on your website. I’m suggesting that if you truly believe these are conversations you feel your audience needs to have, you might consider a less potentially explosive format, and one that is kinder to Lyla’s family’s needs (current and present). Your choices are not limited to just Lyla’s blog or not. There are many other more considered choices that are available.
I don’t need you to reach out to me off this forum but I genuinely appreciate the thought. I think that this sort of public discussion about right and wrong, and how we treat people who are wounded and stumbling is at least as healthy as you believe Lyla’s storytelling is.
Jen I have posted these same thoughts on previous entries of this blog using my own name and email and they were never published. I figured anonymous must be the only way to get the comments published.
I’m sorry it smarts.
You are right – you are free to run your business however you want. I just think you should know that it can and will have a detrimental effect in your business within a certain the demographic. Maybe I am just not your target market because I think businesses (and urbanmom.ca is a business right?) has a responsibility to act ethically for the benefit of their employees (which would cover Lyla and her family) and their audience/customers, and the broader community(ie the people who may think this glorified account of “finding oneself” through infidelity deserves to be considered in their own lives). I don’t shop at Walmart, I don’t buy Nestle or Monsanto products I disagree with their ethics – despite the fact that their spokespeople tell me what they are doing is for the “greater good” or that plenty of other people think it is fine.
As adults, we can have a discussion about infidelity, or on staying grounding in our dreams or maintaining a sense of self without exploiting the heartbreaking difficult experiences of a young family. You have the power to make the choice about what format that discussion takes on your website. I’m suggesting that if you truly believe these are conversations you feel your audience needs to have, you might consider a less potentially explosive format, and one that is kinder to Lyla’s family’s needs (current and present). Your choices are not limited to just Lyla’s blog or not. There are many other more considered choices that are available.
I don’t need you to reach out to me off this forum but I genuinely appreciate the thought. I think that this sort of public discussion about right and wrong, and how we treat people who are wounded and stumbling is at least as healthy as you believe Lyla’s storytelling is.
If this were a fiction, then there’s no real people from this story that will get offended and surprise Urbanmoms.ca with legal recourse that Urbanmoms.ca had given no to little thought about?
Yes, Lyla is entitled to freely write (I know the rhetoric) but she will do damage to Urbansmom.ca as well because Urbanmoms.ca has permitted itself to be like a magazine to publish her current affair. And because Urbanmoms.ca is hosting the story, Urbanmoms.ca takes on risk and accountability.
I’m not off here. So could it be that Lyla can host her story in a standalone website blog, so that when she undergoes fallout, Urbanmoms.ca won’t also be dragged through it?
>>Have you ever seen a movie about infidelity? Read a book? Likely. And did it not give you pause? Create dialogue? Force you to ask yourself questions?
However, these are novels, fiction, and fictional movie adaptations. And even when the stories are about real people, they’re published WELL AFTER THE FACT or are published posthumously. The fiction can never be challenged as libel nor challenged in any other legal hook because real people aren’t portrayed in the story.
It’s when real and currently living people are published about without their permission and have sorely been shown indifference in thought to the legal recourses they can take that’s erring.
Please be aware that companies (Urbanmoms.ca), news agencies and governments in a democracy have to be mindful of the legal recourses real people can take. Urbanmoms.ca is erring by not giving due thought to the pseudonym Joel the husband.
Give the guy more thought here, instead of just little thought. He has legal recourses, and don’t keep being indifferent to him as a current real person and what he can do after discovery of the Urbanmoms.ca website for hosting and congratulating a story about him in a cariature (even under pseudonym).
Please don’t censor me here and easily dismiss my observations. I very well give thought to Joel as a person and not as a cameo character in Lyla’s blog here.
>>Wow. That seriously smarts. Judgment can be passed so easily under the veil of anonymity. Who are any of us to decide what is right? Who are others to decide for me, for UrbanMoms readers, or for Lyla?
Jen, Urbanmoms.ca is yours and you set the permissions of what topics can be posted here. But a direct story from a currently cheating spouse is outside the scope of Urbanmoms.ca? And what I mean is that you, whether you can stop it or not, are letting Urbanmoms.ca become involved and very potentially part of the legal fallout.
You as the founder is accepting the post of a blog on a current infidelity in a marriage, and this means a bigger picture of the cheated on husband, their kids, etc. Because if and when Lyla and her pseudonym husband Joel choose to dissolve their marriage, Urbanmoms.ca could get legally touched on by offended parties like from the smarting husband for having himself published – even under a pseudonym – without his permission. And don’t think that he can’t nor shouldn’t. He can because he’s been offended by a published story that he didn’t give permission to. And I’m not wrong about this and won’t dismiss the guy. Don’t belittle him or think not much of what he can and should do.
This story isn’t beyond being called libel. So there is a bigger picture and fallout whenever infidelty in a marriage is done, and a published blog by Urbanmoms.ca’s permission for sure includes Urbanmoms.ca’s accountability in the fallout of a dissolving marriage.
Wow. That seriously smarts. Judgment can be passed so easily under the veil of anonymity. Who are any of us to decide what is right? Who are others to decide for me, for UrbanMoms readers, or for Lyla?
Have you ever seen a movie about infidelity? Read a book? Likely. And did it not give you pause? Create dialogue? Force you to ask yourself questions? That is Lyla’s mission here. To provoke conversation and thought by telling her story.
I do not capitalize on Lyla or any of my bloggers. They get paid by me but I make no money off of them. Obviously, the collective creates the community but Lyla is paid by UrbanMoms, not the other way around. I gave her a voice within what I believed was a safe environment to share at her request. She has changed many things to protect her family. She has the right to share her story if she chooses. She is a grown woman.
Obviously there are some very vocal critics here and I respect your opinion. However, for every one of you who disapprove I get multiple emails thanking UrbanMoms for sharing Lyla’s story. From women who have had a friend going through something similar, to those who are considering it themselves, to those who are merely here to read and learn. The complexity of Lyla’s journey is not lost on everyone. It is not really about sex outside of marriage but one woman’s journey to find herself. At least that is what I see.
I refuse to pass judgment on another woman even if I disagree. I also refuse to censor or pretend this doesn’t go on under the guise of some higher moral code. It is not for me to decide what is right and wrong for anyone else.
You know what is amazing? Lyla was absolutely right. Nothing in our whole six years at UrbanMoms has created so much conversation. Ever. People are concerned, appalled, sympathetic. They are thankful for their own marriages, relate to Lyla’s loneliness, feel a similar confusion. This is what this is about, not the facts of her personal story. It is about conversation that forces us to take stock and reflect.
Because you posted anonymously I am unable to reach out to you personally. Please feel free to contact me by email to discuss if you like.
But Jen owns and sets the permission and ethics on her Urbanmoms.ca. I don’t agree that she allows Lyla to blog here. But I accept that she too allows me to post my opinion about Lyla. I see that Jen hasn’t censored me yet! Okay please never!
Anonymous disagrees. But this anonymous that makes these points I support. Hmmm, the fact of social media and the Internet is that they are damaging to some family matters or interpersonal situations. These media deny privacy to all those involved in the family or interpersonal problem. Usually privacy allows better communication and implicit respect (respect, as in, that the people involved don’t feel like they’ve been cariatured in the protagionist’s web blog or unfairly put in a reality series).
sorry…should be infidelity not infertility above
Sorry Jen but just because someone wants to tell her story doesn’t mean that you have to capitalize on it, publish it, or participate in a venture which may be exceedingly damaging to her children, her family, herself down the road. I agree that she’s a broken woman, stumbling and floundering, immature and clearly not thinking about the bigger picture. What she needs is to be helped to find her way with dignity. The safe place to write her story is in a private journal – not on the internet. We can learn lessons about the heartbreak of infertility or the need to stay true to ourselves, without also putting in motion something that could be incredibly hurtful to many.
I find it incredibly sad, given Maddie’s story that you would choose to host this kind of blog. Our ethics are about doing what is right – not what is explainable.
Hi guys. I think it is important for me to pop in here with a comment. The writer of this blog approached us about telling her story not the other way around. I don’t know her and neither do any of the staff or bloggers. She was looking for a safe place to write about her journey.
What I see is very different than some of the comments here. I see a fallible and broken women making a lot of mistakes while trying to find her own personal happiness. She never justifies or defends what she is doing. She simply tells her story. It is up to us to take pieces of it and learn from her.
I want to make it clear that we are not victimizing or capitalizing on Lyla, UrbanMoms is providing her with a forum and vehicle to share. Maybe it is cathartic for her? Maybe she wants others to learn from her? I don’t know her motives but I am open to having her represented here.
Let’s try and put our judgment aside (of Lyla, of each other and of UrbanMoms) and take in what she is saying. If you are not comfortable reading her blog there are many others on UrbanMoms that are fabulous. I encourage you to check them out!
Namaste julie bjornson. Don’t get your panties in a knot though. You kinda blow a vein here but ya i agree
Speechless about that
http://www.ashleymadison.com
Crap. crap. Sorry it’s http://www.ashleymadison.com
Hey ya. Anywho this convo got me to remembering about a web company for cheaters that tried to have an NFL ad during the last superbowl. Ya. Kinda messed that there’s http://www.ashleymadison.com#$%? Like whoa check out the morals on cheating there ~ http://bit.ly/goyA0i. I couldn’t be married to a peep who’s just fine with not being exclusive. My heart would be in bits.
I did a test with what Beth brought up. The software here is unrestrictive. I just changed my LA handle to leiann80. So a person can assume different names and put in different emails with the name of choice. Interesting, hey?
I posted this thought here since I’m unsure where to put it as a new thread in Urban Moms. And again, best wishes for Ms. D’s start with her therapist.
The Urbanmoms.ca sign-in has been like that to me. Lol.
I’ve funny enough only mistakenly commented by laloisio since that’s a signing mistake on my part. I have to click “sign in with UM” and there laloisio is changed to LA. Funny to learn here :).
If I just put laloisio and my email without signing in, LA isn’t displayed.
The notifications in my email are nonstop, lol. But hey Beth thanks for your observations.
We do use “hey” in the same way :-D.
Sorry my sentence was cut. anywho I dunno how to prove I’m Beth. ‘Cuz I use Hey in my sentences like LA?!
Dunno how to prove I’m Beth Flint
Like this? See I was bytheway and I can post as bytheway2. Any signin I can think of. ‘K though I still would like to say it’s a democracy. Getting mad or supporting this lady is all legit? Anywho I just saw all this. I came and thought all this debate was kinda okay.
Hey pussy cats, retract those claws. I noticed that it’s unsecured here. You can put in your 2 cents under different emails with names. ‘K though, i kinda think it’s okay to get mad at her or give her support?
? Umm okay. :-/. I’m julie? Ah well this opinion thing just got a little weirder. Hey though best wishes to this lady’s journey. Please really best wishes.
Does anybody else think that LA and Julie Bjornson are the same person? I’m 90% sure of it, and I think somebody is a little obsessed! Even if they are two different people, they are both obsessed. Is LaylaD’s story hitting a little too close to home perhaps? In any case, I find this all rather amusing!
Wow – you people are getting into this story a little too much! I believe that in this case what’s done is done and Lyla is not asking for opinions or advice or criticism. She is very brave for sharing her story and her feelings. Right or wrong, whether I approve of her affair or not any of my business nor the point of this blog. She is a big girl and I sense that she is struggling mightily with herself and with what she’s involved in. Please back off and just let her tell her of experience.
So what if Joel, the husband, is a fill-in-blank. So what if he’s a jerk, a whatever else. Have some respect for the guy as a human being. A real person. He doesn’t deserve being published here by the pseudonym “Joel” and being described by you, Lyla, in a story where you caricature him as a current woe.
— JOEL IS NOT a frickin’ problem, nor a drag, nor a woe, nor a thing, nor an event, nor a cause for your unhappiness Lyla. You cause your unhappiness with whatever Chick Lit internalized dreams you’ve been having and your misguided claim to repression. Grow a pair already and woman up.
I don’t care whoever defends you here and whoever steps up here and calls me a jerk. I’m not a problem to you Lyla. The problem of your unhappiness is your own confusion, and misguided reasoning that the problem of your present angst has been your false living due to Joel and your repressed dreams.
Yup writing this Chick Lit for the Urban Moms readership is actually writing Chick Shit. And before anyone of the engrossed readers steps up to call me a hypocrite because I’m also reading LylaD’s story, hold you tongue for a bit because I’ll let you know why I’m commenting.
I’m posting comments to let this nutball LylaD know that she must cut the crap of writing her Chick Lit here, which is a blog that is so grossly harmful to her husband and kids! Please consider these people! They’re real frickin’ human beings who are getting published in an insensitive web confessional, tell-all.
You will never truly grow into a strong woman until you stop playing the victim roll. Unfortunately you are letting yourself and more sadly your children and husband be victimized by Urbanmoms who is exploiting your story to increase their readership and by extention their bottomline.
The whole spectacle is sick.
” I got all of that, the successful and handsome husband, the big house, two beautiful children, enough money to buy whatever I wanted and travel to exotic places. All of my dreams came true. But what I am beginning to realize is that they were not really my dreams at all. It was a massive manipulation.”
What do you mean by this?
Putting the decisions you made up to this point on the people in your life is coming off as a cop out from you. People don’t sell you dreams and a lifestyle to live. You seek and buy into these things. And when you’re no longer happy, that’s your problem and not casuality that other people must owe up to. You’ve engineered your life story up to now.
You make choices, and stating your life & happiness as having been a manipulation up until now is not owning up to awareness that you own your choices and always have.
Honey, you’ve manipulated yourself up until this crossroads in your life. Putting manipulation, false living on Joel, and your excuses on other adults in your life up to this point, and even unintentionally giving your kids this pass-off from you, is bunk. You haven’t lived false up until now because your kids came from Joel and wouldn’t have been born without him. So that’s your unintentional labelling of who had sold you a manipulation.
Marianne : “Are you manipulating your dreams to suit your affair?”
Thought provoking question to ask LylaD.
genius, Marianne.
Really this post about therapy is what matters. So don’t get distracted by my comments and then argue with me. This post is about Lyla making a start at something.
Lyla you are making a more helpful choice (which is not hurtful like the deceit of your affair). And myself and anyone else can’t put into words nor state our opinion on this. But I know that you’re starting a better path now.
Anyway, I’m off topic. This post of Lyla’s is about her getting therapy. So congrats Lyla and lets hope your next steps are better from here.
For sure I’m not a believer in romantic-comedy & paperback serial romances. Historically and currently across the globe the most stable and lasting marriages & partnerships is not the love match but arranged marriages. And please put aside your ideas on arranged marriages because of living in a Western society that believes relationships matched based on romance and sex is the best and true way. Put aside this belief that other societies deceive themselves whenever they do their arranged marriages.
60% of the world’s populace who match themselves based on the ability to accept each other, and on the ability to merge families works and is statistically more right than our hangup in the West on romance and sex being the basis for people to match themselves for marriage.
And look you can decry me, call me sad, and blah blah. But sticking up for our current culture’s qualifiers to marry is sticking up for a lost cause. Our divorce rate is 50% and always climbing. Shouldn’t this not be because the two people marry for love?
So the love they marry for is romance and ideas on sex that can’t be sustained over a lifetime. What is being proven as sustainable is relationships based on value in each other and in the extended family, because the partnership lives better and longer whenever it’s perceived as part of a community and a extended family.
But look you think I’m talking crap. So believe what you want to believe. However, our failings on long-lived partnerships in the West is a pause for questioning of our cultural ideas on what works in our marriages.
LA, I am sorry that you feel that you should not expect happiness and romantic and sexual fulfillment from your partner. Yes, you have to be reasonable about your expectations, but if you are not getting happiness and romantic and sexual fulfillment from your relationship, then perhaps you are not with the right person??? . If you are with someone who does not make you happy, why are you with him? Wanting to be happy is not selfish, and your partner should want to make you happy.
Sometimes a relationship goes bad and sometimes a relationship was never right to begin with. It sounds like Layla’s affair was perhaps the beginning of the end of her relationship with her husband, but perhaps that is better than staying in a relationship that does not make her happy.
Anyway going to Dr. C is a good choice you made 🙂
I hope whenever you phrase “dreams” they too aren’t manipulations or whatever else. Look if you want to live real in all meaning of this word, then what are dreams to you?
Dreams can often be delusions about what you should want, like you should want that guy who fulfills your list of the perfect partner, or you should own that insanely priced dream home, or you should do jetset vacations, or you should be the perfect mom in that you do everything but don’t get a break from the shift like a daycare worker legally enjoys. The list of “shoulds” just goes on and on. So the dreams that are the expectations, which are designed to fail you, aren’t worth your time and mental effort.
So Lyla what I mean is to be sure on your side what dream will work out in reality for you. Expectations that you put on yourself at this time when you’re doing a fresh start, these expectations you must think out to know what will work out. So becoming the famous photographer may likely be an expectation on your photography talents that won’t work out. Spend time thinking, and get guidance from your therapist on how to take your steps and on what expectations to put on yourself that won’t mislead you.
Dreams that succeed for sure involve work and humility to learn what matters. Perhaps your work will help you not be disappointed for when your next well put together life is here, and you’re not in angst enough to cheat to shake yourself up.
Are you manipulating your dreams to suit your affair?
Also please know that a husband, partner, boyfriend or a guy that you have an affair with can never live up to your expectations for happiness or romantic/and even sexual fulfillment. Personal happiness is too much to ask for from another human being. It’s also selfish (and please I use this word as a fact and not as a word specifically about you). So your happiness is selfish, in that it’s all about you and not focused on that person’s wants/dreams/needs.
A fellow person can love you in a considerate way, and can be reliable and committed to you. But that’s really just it. Asking for bells and whistles like “soulmate” “always sexually interesting” “always fun” “best friend” “always intellectually engaging” is really a demanding fantasy to put on a fellow human being or on the man who was born to live his life, enrich the world a little bit, but not be perfect for all that you wished for from romance and sex.
Love stories and romantic comedy, and even porn expectations is unfair and exhausting to that person who’s believing to have a relationship with you. Anyway whether you stay married to Joel or end it, please evaluate your romantic, sexual and overall partnership expectations so that you won’t get to being disappointed and unhappy again with another committed relationship (whether a boyfriend you’ll never marry, or a spouse).
Good decision that you made. But please be committed to going to a therapist. Go because you know a therapist will help you, and help you take first steps. I’m a bit wary of your current reason because you state that it’s Joel’s reason, and he presented you with this option and has asked you to go. You repeatedly write that you don’t want to make choices for him and live his dreams, etc., etc. Or I’m just saying don’t get doubtful over a therapist because you associate that choice with Joel asking you to go.
Just simply please know that a therapist is a good choice, and a much less hurtful and better decision than having an affair and being deceitful to have that relationship. Look I support you. Much earlier I wrote “please go see a therapist and stop doing your affair”. So I give you congrats on making the better choice of going to see a therapist and then proceeding from there.
Lyla, while I don’t agree with or condone your affair, I totally identify with the process you’re going through in your self-discovery and the subsequent failure of your marriage. I have been through a similar process. You are a brave woman to confront the loss of that dream that was never your dream, and to face up to the real you, the real dreams you had/still have for your life.
I see your affair not as the cause of your split from Joel, but as a symptom of a marriage that was wrong for you from the beginning. My only concern is that you take the opportunity to live life as Lyla…just Lyla. Fulfill your own dreams, live your own life, and don’t rush into another committed relationship without figuring yourself out first.
Just my .02, though.