My girl is gone. And it happened so slowly, so insidiously, that I hardly noticed it taking place. Just like in one of my favourite poems, she has been carried away almost, it seems, by faeries…
Come away, O human child!To the waters and the wildWith a faery, hand in hand,For the world’s more full of weeping than you can understand.–W B Yeats
She used to be so adventurous – she’d try almost anything! She climbed trees, climbed rocks, swam, skateboarded and took up snowboarding. And when she skied…she was a brilliant skier! Fast, fierce and agile, she’d take on any slope no matter how steep; she’d whip through the bumps like a pro. Nothing could stop her. Certainly not fear.
And then the anxiety struck.
Slowly, she began to be afraid. Afraid of things she’d done with confidence and pleasure in the past. She was afraid of sleeping over at friends’ houses. Of sleeping on her own. Of going to school. Of disease, and germs, and dying. And most of all, of what other people would think.
And it all happened so slowly that it took years to put it all together. It seemed no big deal that she didn’t want to go on sleepovers, and bedtime fears seemed to be a phase. I blamed the school refusal on a series of different causes over the years. And although I knew the problem was serious, it wasn’t until this weekend that I realized how TOTAL the effects of this illness have been on my girl.
My oldest, my adventurous girl, my try-anything kid is gone. The kid who once did this:
…stood paralyzed on the ski slope yesterday, terrified to make a single turn. On an intermediate run — groomed and smooth and wide open — my former mogul-masher froze. She was, quite literally, petrified of what would have been a mere bunny hill for her in the past. No amount of encouragement would help, and the only way she was able to make it down was to side-slip, slowly inching her way down the pitch.
In the end, after five years of anxiety slowly constricting its noose around her, it was this one day of skiing that brought it all home to me in a rush. More than all the days and weeks of school that she’s missed, more than all the sleepover party invitations she’s declined, more than her new and freaky hand-washing obsession…somehow it was that one hill that shocked me into the realization that this disease truly has stolen away my child.
And that’s how insidious anxiety really is. It starts slowly, and it strikes in different areas at different times. It’s not until something shocks you into perspective that you see how much it has swallowed up your child’s spirit and, indeed, her life. In a very real way, anxiety has stolen my child from her family and her friends. And worst of all, it has stolen a big part of her childhood from her.
The good news is that after five years of searching, lobbying, and suffering, she is finally in the right hands. It has been a long road to get here, but now she’s in the care of an excellent team of psychiatrists, psychologists and therapists at a specialized Mood and Anxiety Disorders Clinic and I hope and believe we have found the team that will help her get back. Back to her family. Back to her friends. Back to herself.
I hope.
Thank you for sharing. The more we are open with each other as parents, amongst ourselves and with the children we love SO much, the better it is for everyone. Knowledge is power. Getting the right help, as early as possible is key.
There is no shame in anxiety or mental illness or Autism or SPD’s or any number of things that can affect us developmentally, psychologically or emotionally. Our bodies are so complex and any number of bio/chemical/genetic combinations can be just slightly off and cause all manner of obstacles. Your family will clear this Anxiety hurdle, in due course.
Often anxiety and OCD issues are hereditary, so you can look back at older family members, previous generations and you will start putting together a new picture that you had looked at but perhaps never really seen. It’s also good to be mindful of younger children and if need be, catch things sooner than later.
Like many, I have had anxiety issues with both my kids on occasion, from pyjama day panic attacks to subways to overhead speakers and more. Just keep meeting things head on with rational, calm explanations and affirmations. Support with qualified professionals and keep the hugs coming. Things will work themselves out in time. Mind over matter! Stay positive.
Dr. Katherina Manassis at Sick Children’s Toronto has a pretty good book on children and anxiety. (Keys to Parenting Your Anxious Child) She is a specialist there. I recommend it for a snapshot on various interventions one can do as a parent, no meds required. But in some cases, medication can be helpful to at the least, get over a hump so that the child realizes the fear was unwarranted and can have a fresh start with something that scared them etc.
Wow, thanks for sharing such a huge, personal part of your life & yourself. As your daughter is on the road of healing you are probably helping so many others who don’t know where to turn. You sound like an excellent, courageous mother & friend. I love reading your posts!
God Kath – I so agree with cll – thank you so much for sharing this. How hard for her and for you to watch this. Some children in my family are also struggling with this crippling (and many times handed down) anxiety. I hope the team you have will bring her back and thanks for keeping this at the forefront.
There is no need to hope!! It will get better, she will get better. With the right help and the right attitude, she will get better. It may never go away, but she will get better and she will learn to manage it, live with it and deal with it until it becomes second nature to her. Her standing paralyzed on that hill was her way of letting you know, she does not want to feel this way anymore, and you only you, knew now was the time. She is so lucky to have you on her side and supporting her.
She will get better, do not ever doubt that. She has you believing in her and that is all she needs!!
Katherine: Your willingness to share your experience, and to get help for your child, are testaments to your maturity and strength as a mother (methinks you had a great role model!). You have given your daughter a wonderful gift by reaching out for help for her. I have an adult friend with multiple unaddressed mental health issues (hyper- anxiety, OCD, mild agoraphobia, paranoia, workaholism) and I really fear for her future so I can see how crucial it is for your daughter to get the tools and support to manage her condition while she is still young. I hope all goes well for you both!
Oh Kath. That must be so hard for both of you. I hope that the team is able to relieve her anxiety and allow her to get back into life. Hugs & kisses to all of you.
I’m glad you’ve found help for you and your daughter.I hope you’re both able to find the tools to bring her back, and I really appreciate your honesty and bravery in sharing your life with readers.
Take care, Kath.
I am so glad you have found a team that can help! This is so important. My daughter suffers anxiety and my son who has a mood disorder (bipolar) does as well. Thanks for sharing and you will get your daughter back – it may be slow but it will happen. She is lucky to have the support you are giving her. This is the main thing that will help the most:)
Oh, Kath!! How heartbreaking… but how good it is that you’ve found some excellent help – I’m thinking of you. xoxoxo
Kath – so brave of you to share and say outloud what is a fear for all- that all is not all alright with a child – for the time being. You are doing the right thing. I wish I could introduce you to a friend who is 16 – once so afraid of so much – now tackling unbelievable challenges and anxiety free. Behaviour modification and tools hlped her.Keep going xxx