We had all of our girls two years apart. That might not sound all that close, but it feels like as soon as one baby grew up just enough to start sleeping through the night, a new one came along who howled to be fed every two hours and so the story went for years and years. We wanted our kids to be spaced closely together so that they would be playmates and friends and also so that we wouldn’t drag out the child-bearing years. It was like ripping off the proverbial band-aid: do it fast and hard and you’ll gasp from the shock of the pain but at least it will be over more quickly than slowly pulling it from your skin, pieces of hair and scab being torn in drawn-out agony. (Not to be melodramatic, of course.)
So, our kids are close in age. And we’re glad. But there are days when I wonder if a little more distance between their births would have done us all good. If you get any one of my girls alone, with time to focus solely on her and without competition from her siblings, she shines. She is considerate, and fun, and mature and hilarious and sweet. Then, throw that same girl back into the mix with her sisters and there is screaming, fighting, tattling, weeping and gnashing of teeth. The goodness of their personalities gets squashed by the sibling rivalry, the lack of space, the annoyances of pesky sisters. I sometimes feel like we’ve robbed them of the chance to really let the beauty of their true selves have the spotlight a little more often. Then, the other side of that same coin is that it’s good for them not to be doted on endlessly, to learn how to share, to take turns, to throw a good left hook. It teaches them to find ways to stand out in a crowd, to work with a team, to enjoy the company of family.
Then I also wonder if I would have enjoyed their baby and toddler years a little more if we hadn’t rammed their birthdays so close together. I liken having a baby to going for a really long swim: the water is cold and the waves are crashing around your face and you’re sputtering to make it to shore. Then, your baby starts sleeping through the night and it’s as though you’ve arrived. You dry yourself off, wrap up in a warm towel and give yourself a pat on the back for finding your way. Then, just when you’re ready to rest, you get tossed back into the middle of the ocean before you really had the chance to recover. And it starts again, the swimming and sputtering, but this time there’s sharks (that’s my metaphor for the Terrible Twos). Miraculously, you make it to the beach again, swearing you’ll never take an awful swim like that ever again. BUT THEN. Yeah. You’re back in the icy waves for a third time, the exhaustion almost killing you, and by the grace of God you make it to the shore and then your husband gets a vasectomy. The end.
I felt like I was in survival mode for most of their early years, and I sometimes see moms with a six year-old and a little baby and they just seem to be basking in the glow of motherhood and it seems so much less chaotic than how we did it.
Did you plan your kids’ spacing? Are you happy with how it all turned out? Do you think it’s better to have them close together or allow for a little more breathing room?
I have small gaps (14 months apart) and big (13 yrs apart) and I find there are pros and cons to each. I have never basked in the glow though – except the glow of pregnancy lol The biggest challenges I face now are of course the fighting, but the lack of similar interests is a biggy (try planning a trip with newborns, a teenager and everything inbetween!) and not being able to spend individual time with each child as much as I like.
That said I am looking forward to next year when Ryley is in school full day and I will be able to spend time alone with the twins.
God I love that picture! I only have one so I can’t comment that way BUT I was ‘the best mistake my parents ever had’. My siblings are all around two years apart and then I was 4 years after my brother. I felt ripped off in some ways and SO blessed in others. They all shared high school and clothes and parties and friends (and fights). But I had the benefit of having siblings but then my parents all to myself for the majority of high school. It gave me a differnt relationship with my dad and time to be spoiled rotten by my mother. So I think there are plus and minuses to both!
I’ve read a few articles that three years is the perfect spacing and that’s what we’ve got: 1,4,7,10 but it wasn’t exactly planned… sort of. For us, it took five years of marriage to get established and into a house to get the “tick tock” of the childbearing clock and then we JUST wanted one, along came our eldest boy. But, we really, really, wanted a girl and when our “baby” turned two the “tick, tock” came back. We were done! Then our little girl turned two and the ticking came back with a vengeance!!!! We didn’t feel complete and wanted a larger family. Along came our third – a boy. So… the family was sitting at the table that had six chairs and five people and we tried for that fourth child when the baby turned two. Hoped for a girl to make it perfect, you know, like the Bobsey twins or something, but we got a sweet boy. Age and money and space in the car and house (and a vasectomy ha ha) will prevent us from the tick tock when our little boy turns two in a few months. But, that was just when we got the urge, when our babies turned two, making them almost three when the next one was born. I don’t recommend the spacing that my sister and I had 12 months, too much fighting/competition/hair pulling. And my mom must have been exhausted. I did like that the three year spacing allowed extended breastfeeding and less sibling rivalvy. Boy – girl – boy helped too, however having a crib/diapers/pregnancy last close to ten years would be something I’d like to shorten up in the next life.
I think most people would think they age gap is “right” for their kids as they have little reference for having it any other way.
Mine are 3 yrs and 1 month apart. They were both planned to be Spring babies (didn’t think I could have functioned in the winter with infants) and I couldn’t have planned them any earlier. I was only thinking of one and fine with one child until the guilt? of an “only” started nagging at me the older my oldest got. We didn’t decide to have the next one until the first one was well over two. My baby girl was no longer a baby and finished all those milestone by the time her sister came along.
We really started to see them get along much better and not so much fighting as they reached 9 and 12. Now as they approach 14 next month and 11 the month after that (OMG!) they are a pleasure to be around and for the most part actually helpful, supportive and nice to one another. 😉
My kids are 3 years apart (3 years, 6 weeks, to be exact) and I find it perfect.
They are close enough in age to have similar interests but I was able to enjoy my older son’s toddler years before the baby came along and he was old enough to play by himself while I nursed and to help be somewhat of a little helper!
First of all, your girls are absolutely beautiful!
I grew up in a home just like yours with a sister slightly less than 2 years older and one slightly less than 2 years younger. My sisters are my very best friends and I would never, ever change a thing.
However, I do hear what you are saying and know that, as the middle child, there were definitely times when I felt lost in the shuffle and struggled to see who I was outside of the Sisterhood.
My kids, an older boy and younger girl are nearly 4 years apart. It is so wonderful in so many ways (including the ones you mention above). They play together so well but, they are not constant companions. They don’t have that closeness that similar age and the same gender bring.
However, they are closer in other ways. Protective and idolizing Big & Small ways.
It’s all good 🙂
My girls are 6.5 years apart, and I feel like it was AWESOME in some ways and incredibly difficult in others. Either way, I’m pretty sure I never basked in any kind of glow. 🙂
We didn’t plan our kids’ spacing. Kaylie was, well, whoops, and Liliana was conceived less than a year after we were married. The girls are six years apart and I found it PERFECT. I loved being able to focus so much attention on each baby, especially since Kaylie was in Kindergarten when Liliana was born. The four years between Liliana and Preston I found really challenging when Preston was first born, but now it is all good. I didn’t want my oldest and youngest to be more than 10 years apart, so I’m happy with how the age gaps turned out, even though none of them were planned. (Well, Preston was planned, in a hey, wanna have a baby? sure! nine months later … BAM.)
I don’t think either way is the right or wrong way. I think it depends on the family. Some people like having one baby after another, some like spaces between. Large spaces was right for us. I always think it’s neat, though, when they’re close together like yours are, even though the baby years are really tough. Your girls are adorable. 🙂