“Modern parenting my backside. They are nothing more than a pair of attention seeking, tree hugging, lunatics who should be put in strait jackets and thrown into padded cells.”
“How is it possible for people like this to exist, much less become a “couple”, much less become parents? Apparently born without instinct, tribal memory or inherence, they would seem the most unfortunate of human stock. Their rejection of normalcy may be due to their expectation to evolve into pure spirit in their lifetimes. It really doesn’t work that way.”“Stupid.”
I’m writing this in response to all the nasty, mean-spirited comments, blogs and articles that people have written regarding the Toronto family that is choosing to keep their baby’s sex a secret for now.
I think the comments say more about our culture than their choice does. There are some supportive comments, and some critical, but not unkind. But there are hundreds, if not thousands, of comments and blog post that are vitriolic.
When I say thoughtless, I mean it. A lot of people obviously commented based on an emotional response that has no rational thought behind it. Maybe if people stopped to think about it, they might consider the effect that gender roles have on children and that maybe, just maybe, they are restricting to us as people. (I will write further on sex and gender later.)
I’m not saying I agree with what they are doing, I would have to think a lot more about it before I weigh in. This post is simply about how to disagree, rationally and politely.
I realize that this couple agreed to be the subjects of the article but I don’t think that excuses the nastiness of the responses. State your views politely please.
Oh, and use the words sex and gender correctly please. Especially in the title of an article.
Thank you.
Here is the original Toronto Star article.
I agree! It is utterly depressing to read some of the comments on these alternative-type stories. I am sympathetic to people who do things differently, because I am not sending my kids to school. I know people think I am crazy and stupid and a lot of other hateful things. But I also know it’s probably because they just don’t understand why I am doing it. And they don’t care to. I think that is the case for a lot of people who just toss out the negative comments. It’s perfectly fine for someone to disagree with me. But anyone who can dismiss me as stupid before making any attempt to understand makes me stop listening! Opinions without thought just don’t matter.
I’m not trying to finger people who said negative things, I’m just trying to encourage understanding, empathy and kindness, really. Lately I’m finding that peeps on UM are reluctant to judge … unless it’s a “bad” mom. Well, I don’t think that this mom is a bad mom. Honestly, I think infidelity will have a worse effect. But, I don’t really know. My biases are obvious.
I wrote “stupid”. Maybe it was knee jerk.
Even several days later, pondering it – I just don’t understand.
Maybe because I deal with the specific struggles I deal with everyday with my children. Maybe because I see my daughter every day face the psychosocial issues regarding her scarring? Maybe because I see my son struggle everyday with his neurological disorder? I see them struggle and their struggles have nothing to do with their gender.
Why create issues when there are none? I can’t get over that they are raising the baby to be “genderless” – when there is a gender.
I will wholeheartedly admit when I had a girl after 2 boys – I loved all the pink. Pink sleepers, receiving blankets…pink dryer fluff even!
I couldn’t wait to buy cute little sundresses and bows for her hair.
And when she hit 18 mos – she wanted none of it. No dresses. No hair bows or headbands. So I put the dresses away and she wore what she wanted. Track pants and t shirts. Once she was old enough to voice what she wanted I listened. Same with my boys. We let them make decisions on the things we think they should have control over. When my oldest boy was 7 he wanted to take dance lesson. We said sure. He also wanted to play hockey so he had to make a decision. He chose hockey and then decided to take dance through electives at school.
So it’s not that I don’t see what they are trying to achieve I just really don’t understand how raising a genderless baby will get them there.
It certainly has caused a firestorm.
I’m not quite sure where I sit with it yet. I think it’s extreme and a response to issues they have experienced with their other children, and I see a whole basket full of potential problems with it particularly around the media (over)exposure. But I am not in their shoes and I haven’t had their experiences.
I do think it’s somewhat sad (and I realize I am totally projecting here) that they don’t believe that as parents they have more influence and power than society to help their child shape a healthy gender identity. I’m also somewhat concerned about the media. If this level of exposure was by choice it seems to me that they may be making an example of their child to advance an agenda or gain attention for a cause. If its not by choice and has spun out of control, I think it should be shut down now.
Based on my own experience it wasn’t difficult to create an environment where my kids can/could safely explore a whole range of gender identities and issues without being constrained my stereotypes. We’ve never had negative comments about my kids choices of clothing or hair styles (and they have often crossed the gender divide) or choices of hobbies or activities, or nor have we experienced stereotypical reactions to emotions, intelligence etc. I freely admit that it was easier given the fact that we homeschool, limited exposure to MSM and have a community (friends/UU church/city) which is quite progressive. If that’s what they are hoping for their child, there are ways to create that, without putting this burden on the child. Especially given that they are unschoolers in Toronto, I would think they could find/create a community to support their children without this extreme (which leads me to think there is an attention getting element in here).
I guess I just don’t understand what they are hoping to achieve with this choice or what they hope will be the positive outcome for their child.
Karen
i know the mom (LLL for us!) and i have yet to meet a more loving parent. true, she is pretty extreme in her way and i know i couldn’t do half of the things she does but to wholeheartedly put yourself into your intention is quite commendable. i just got back from a week in disney and saw all the 5 year old girls fresh from the ‘bibbidi-bobbidi-boutique’ all slutted up and ready to rock….like that’s not messed up?
it’s “funny” the hate directed at these people and how much the haters don’t really understand. i truly believe they’re reading too much into it! i think the basic message is why can’t we love a new child as simply a new child? when my 2nd girl was born i was on my front step 2 days later with her when my neighbour came over to see the baby and when i told her it was another girl she actually “tut-tutted” and said that’s too bad! i’m sure if i wrote about that there wouldn’t be nearly as much hate since _everyone_ of course wants a boy and a girl….balls to that! 🙂
It’s true, even if you don’t agree, state your opinion, back it up to show you used your brain and didn’t just knee-jerk, and don’t get nasty. it’s not helpful, it’s just mean.
Tracey, I’m not saying don’t disagree. It’s how people express it that bothers me. I don’t think I would do what they are doing but I think they have some valid points. Anyway it’s stuff like “tree hugging lunatics” that I find offensive.
I am a nay-sayer, so I guess I’ll just move along… but it’s good of you to speak out against thoughtlessness, if that’s what you think is at play here – this is a good virtue, Erin! 🙂