The last week has been hellish. I won’t lie. I’ve been miserable. I’m fading into one of those ruts that I got into in January when I lost my marbles in Will’s school parking lot.
There has been a crap load of yelling and tears in my house, the vast majority of which are coming from me. In the last few days, Will has started acting like a total brat. Last night I started to think – where is he getting this from? Where is my happy boy?
HELLOOOOO – He’s getting it from me. In the same way that he was a disaster the whole time that I was in my postpartum state, he’s now a yelling, snippy, brat….just like his mother. I want it to stop. I need it to stop.
So, I’m devising my own challenge – The No Yell Challenge.
1. I will remind myself daily, hourly, every freaking minute if I must that he is three years old and not twenty.
2. I will remind myself that his tantrums are irrational and stem from his age. My tantrums are controllable.
3. I will no longer yell at him to get my point across. I will either walk away, give him a time-out in his room or give myself a time-out on the porch.
4. I will remember that I am incredibly lucky to have a healthy, smart, beautiful boy and that I should treasure him even when I want to slam my head against a brick wall.
If I need to print these four steps on a t-shirt and wear it every day I will. This is too important. HE is too important. My challenge started this morning and so far, I’m compliant.
Are you a yeller? Will you join me in this then? If you’re not a yeller…will you not judge me, but offer some suggestions of how to keep calm and carry on??
Thanks Kathleen! God – I love the sound of your 9 year old – Yesterday I was talking to my son about both of us not yelling and using nice voices….I just have to keep at it.
Everyone! Thanks for commenting in and taking the challenge with me (and not making me feel so alone). My first 24 hours went well – unfortunately, I broke down in the Tim Horton’s parking lot this morning when Will bit me and pulled my hair out (oh and note to self wearing a cute summer scarf may seem like a great idea….but not when your toddler is having a tantrum if you like breathing!). So, it’s a glitch but I’m still on the challenge.
In our house it’s not uncommon to have to yell a little just to be heard over the general buzz. That said, what I have found helpful when I’m getting to my wits end when nobody seems to be able to hear or to care to hear what I’m saying over the general buzz, I’ve asked my kids if we can work together to try to cool each other’s tempers. I’m not sure yet how it’s all going to turn out because I’m constantly learning parenting as I go along. I’ve asked my kids to try notice when I’m getting near a meltdown. I’ve asked them if we can all work together to avoid it if they feel it coming on. It was beautiful this evening when I had said something a bejillion times and was feeling like nobody cared and was raising my voice with the panic stricken look I must get when I’m nearing meltdown. My son 9 year old said let’s calm down and work this out. He calmed down – I calmed down – and the other kids (my other three and a few others that were visiting) all calmed down. I thanked him and we had a big hug. I liked it much better than the meltdown we can sometimes be headed for when we say something nicely over and over and it feels like nobody cares. I hope that when the kids have some responsibility and control over the situation, we’ll have less and less shouting and more and more hugging. Would love to know what others think. Great topic Sara. Thank you for the challenge.
I will join you. I have been yelling too much also, and over the dumbest things. I applaud you for addressing this!
Gauntlet thrown!!
I have become a yeller this year. A combination of my two year-old’s special brand of CRAZY, coupled with no sleeping, a newborn, the real estate course…yeah, SO much yelling. I am trying to change, too. Love this idea.
Hi Sara,
I love the idea of getting down to their level and looking them right in the eye. And
bravo for you for vowing to be calm. When I look back on my time with Fraser between 3 and 4, it was hellish like you are describing! (which is why you didn’t see our family back east in those years!!) Keeping it really structured helped in that I couldn’t go off course from our routine at all as he was a really routine person. He would get set off if it wasn’t going according to his expectation of the routine. He was a yeller, so I was a yeller. I wish I could say that I was more patient, but the patient person that everyone thinks I am (in teaching) and so on, just disappeared when it came to him. I had never seen myself like that before in my life. One time I put him out in the yard and shut the back door because I thought I would do something stupid. He yelled out there for five minutes or so, and then he started to play while I calmed down inside. I think that now what I would do is tell myself that I might as well be calm because two of us yelling like banshees isn’t working. Easier said than done because he just set off my buttons like nobody can. I really do think the getting down to their level works. Also, the idea that they can then present their idea brings them to a rational way of thinking too, instead of the heavy emotion, so that all sounds good to me! Breathe and remember that when you look back on it, you’ll be proud of yourself for being in control when he couldn’t be. Do you ever watch the nanny show? I’m amazed at
how much structure she brings into the situation, but many of the ideas she has
seem to work. I wasn’t a very structured parent, but I think I would try some of those ideas too. Notice that she does everything in a calm and rational manner, and the parents begin to feel that calm as they try her methods. It takes a lot of work, but I wish that show had been on when I was parenting! Slowly it changes
the dynamics between the parent and child. That’s what I notice the most. We tend to get into ruts in our parenting and we don’t know how to get out. We don’t realize how negative it has become. I think the structure and different methods as you are in control help to eliminate that.
Oh, Alice has totally got it. And I’m like you, Sara – my three year old is driving me cuckoo-bananas lately… anything I say to her is met with, “But, mummy…?” Oy. I’ve been screaming like a banshee. I keep reminding myself not to, but somehow, by 10 AM we’re howling at each other. I think it’s age three. It does get better… marginally. (I’m joking – it really does.)
I love this plan Carlo and I’m going to give it a shot!
I found myself yelling … most times there was no need to raise my voice … but sometimes it is warranted … I think you should allow for some wiggle room.
What I started to do was to kneel down, get face to face with him, hold him by the arms and ask him to look at me and listen to me. At first he would look away, or start to cry but I kept at it until now he got it … but what also happened was that he started to say “But dad, you must listen to me”. At first I figured he was just repeating me but I would say “OK I will listen to you, but you must listen to what I’m telling you first”. Then we were able to talk about whatever it is that got my attention that was probably going to make me raise my voice. The more often I did this, the less often I felt like yelling.
Hey Ya….. you are an incredible mom and this challenge is inspirational. Thanks Sara
You are blessed to have him and he is blessed to have you. You two are a sweet, funny, intense, strong team.
I found the year of three to be the year of yelling in my house with my daughter, too. That age is all about challenging and pushing limits and yep, they push you all right.
I think your challenge is worth pursuing – who wants to be yelling all the time, and you’re entirely right that it’s not the model we hope to present. But I also want to tell you that if you slip up a little here, you will find that after age 3, it calms down again a bit with this, so do give yourself a little slack, in that it won’t be your parenting style forever.
i will lose this challenge, for sure. but if i don’t try i won’t know if i can do it. i’ve got serious mommy dearest moments. i have tried whispering…i will whisper instead!