On my way out of my driveway with one daughter and a plate of dinner, I caught the eye of my elderly neighbour. I said “don’t call the Children’s Aid Society on me- although she may be eating dinner in the car because she just got back from play practice and is on her way to babysit, there are no trans fats, no preservatives, I made it myself and all the food groups are well represented.”
He laughed but I thought – that generation must truly think we are cuckoo.
As poetry would happen, that night I went to see a screening of this new film about the unprecedented anxiety and stress that our children are under and I wondered which of the two things I would feel most-
guilt with a side order of fear
or
fear with a side order of guilt
I watched this film as it challenged all of our assumptions about how we are raising and educating our children.
It pushed up against a fear I have had ever since my children started to get real homework. And started eating some meals in the back seat.
You see a nation of kids suffering from acute anxiety and depression, sleeplessness and powerlessness over their own futures.
Educators who have chosen their profession because they truly wanted to make a difference are in tears, switching careers and thoroughly disenchanted with curriculums. They feel there is no focus on love of learning but rather a force feeding of information that leaves the child stressed, no wiser, incapacitated by workload and cheating in order to stay afloat.
And then throw in rigourous elite athletics, violin, Mandarin lessons and chess matches and you have 8 year olds bent over in abdominal pain from anxiety, and teenage girls strung out on amphetamines.
It went on to say after 20 years of “coaching” by tutors, coaches, teachers, and type A parents that these children are unable to perform in the workplace where their bosses have no interest in calling them Einstein or hand holding them through every single project. They have zero critical thinking or problem solving skills. They are school smart and life dumb.
The film was dedicated to a beautiful 13 year old girl who had always excelled at everything. She failed a math test on a Thursday and killed herself that weekend.
Her mother was interviewed and she said everyone asked her if she had seen any number of behavioural signs that might typically accompany someone about to take their life. Her answer was frightening – “None, whatsoever”.
I raced home when it was done. I called my girls into my room from their studies.
Ah Oh, mom wants to have a meeting. Who died? What did we do wrong?
I told them that all I cared about was that they were happy. I reminded them life has many ups and downs but together we can find a solution to any problem. Sometimes today is tough, even unbearable but tomorrow is a new opportunity and will be better.
Tell yours this everyday. And play with them every chance you can. Question choices, watch their sleep and diet. Dial it back. Love them.
And try to watch this film.
My boy is 23 and he still amazes me with his determination and focus. I ‘Dolphined’ as a parent. I tried to point him in the right direction then let him go. It worked. He has just entered U of T Med School. He accomplished this not all on his own, there was a lot of editing going on in our house as the applications were being made, but he lead the charge, it was his desire to succeed.
Every child has to raise itself. Ultimately, people shape their own characters. Parents can only advise their children and attempt to give them confidence.
PS. I see that Tiger Mom’s daughter just entered Harvard.
That’s what I’m talkin’ about baby! When I talk about the education system that it. That is why I want to homeschool and limit extra-curricular activities to one per child. And not hockey – too many practices (I will let them decide, don’t worry).
This is an American film based on the American system and I don’t think our system is there yet….but it’s moving in that direction. Data, data, data. Standardized tests, standardized delivery of curriculum, (curriculum that is too extensive to be covered well in one year. I dare you guys to read it all, truly, you’ll be amazed- it’s not bad, it’s just too much), standardized this, standardized that, standardized children will result.
Thanks for sharing this Nancy. I’ll have to find it when it’s on the internet or something. I noticed Alfi Kohn was quoted at the beginning and I often talk about him, and his critique of the education system (and his parenting stuff too).
I often think about what success means and my husband and I discuss it. It’s not making a ton of money, having the nicest house, car and clothes, is it? But that’s what we are trained to think in our culture (capitalism is partially to blame but that’s another topic).
What would Tiger Mom think of this? I know Dolphin mom would agree with you. And so do I.
Amreen- I think we can’t forget that we are in charge of our households and can raise our children the way we see fit- just make informed choices and speak out against what you think is excessive and push back where need be. There is a push from society but we can push back.
Toby- thank you for this – it means so much to me. Really. We are sharing a piece of ourselves and have no idea at times as to how it is received.
Yes for sure I wished they had pushed me a bit more- and find most of my peers(kids of the 60’s and 70’s ) feel this way. I don’t dwell on it too much as it is more just an interesting part to how I parent today.
I can’t tell if you mean you want me to answer a question(s) around this or if you mean a chance for self enquiry. Please explain as I like all of it!
Nancy, I read your blogs straight off, as soon as I get the email notification that a new post is up. I love both of them, they constantly remind me to return to the heart, move from the heart, that nothing is more important. I suppose I could have thanked you before, but now will have to do. Thank you, from the heart.
I see you wish your parents had pushed you more. Is this true ? I wonder if here is a chance to do a little enquiry.
Nancy, thank you for sharing this with me. It touched me very deeply. I often wonder why things have become this way, and I find myself feeling stress on behalf of my kids, before they can feel it themselves. what a good lesson about love and happiness you gave your girls – i am going to do the same. thanks for this!
Sara- your point is exactly the way I feel as I wish I was pushed just a little bit harder too so I also am striving for something in the middle. Thanks for adding that side as I think it pushes some of us into that direction- we just need to keep a watchful eye on it.
have you been spying on me Jilly?
All excellent points – thank you so much for sharing!! xxx
But it doesn’t stop with our children. I think as adults we have to push back against the perceived badge of honour of “busy-ness”. If we are working crazy hours and then running to the gym so we can run the marathon that we are supposed to have done by a certain age, and then eating our own lunch in the car on the way to get peeled or waxed – we are just perpetuating the same cycle. As parents we know we lead by example – so what example are we setting?
I so want to see this movie. I’m constantly thinking about how I want to raise Will. My parents were pretty lax with me – very ‘we just want you to be happy’ – and I”ve spoken with them on how I wished they’d pushed me more. I’m going to strive for a happy medium – but I’m so intrigued to see this movie now.
I have to put the bumper sticker I got on my car. I think we need to stop some of the automatic madness. I want to hear what you think after you see it, Jen.
Very powerful Nancy. You’ve given me pause.
OMG, Nancy. This is another film I am going to look into. I totally agree that the pressure can be scary. And to what end? Isn’t the ultimate goal to have happy and productive young people?
yes scary stuff, n’est ce pas?
and me you, grumbler
Egad… tragic. And powerful. And wonderful. And all true, methinks.
Le sigh. I feel like this job just got harder today… but I’m so glad to count you as someone in my “village” lady. This is a good thing.