I was at a party recently and a soon-to-be Dad asked me if I had any advice regarding the delivery.
I remember getting all kinds of unsolicited advice before Pea was born so I tend to keep my opinions to myself until I am asked for them… just a lesson learned the hard way, I suppose. So when my friend asked for some advice, I stopped to think about what I could offer and two things immediately came to mind.
To the Dad’s out there, here’s a nickel’s worth of free advice. For the Mom’s out there, feel free to share with your man.
First, regarding photography. Take as many pictures as you can before the pushing starts. Going through labour for the first time is a surreal experience and in the moment you will likely feel nothing but numbness and haziness.
When the labour starts, put the camera down and tend to your partner. At this point, she needs a supporter, not a videographer. But, keep the camera close by and when your baby is born, snap a quick shot of the clock in the delivery room. Another Dad gave me this advice, because as he put it, ‘you’ll never remember the time, and you’ll want to.’
I should probably be extra clear about this one: take a picture of your partner holding your child for the first time, and then snap a shot of the clock. As much as you’ll want to remember the time, your partner is going to want to remember that moment way more… WAY more…
Please. Learn from my mistakes.
Second, and this is something I cannot emphasize enough: stay at the back of the bus.
If you don’t understand this metaphor, allow me to break it down further. Do not, under any circumstance, look at your partner’s Hoo-Ha region during the pushing portion of the proceedings.
As far as I am concerned, absolutely nothing can be gained from seeing your child’s head emerge from your partner. This sight did not overwhelm me with joy, nor was it something I enjoyed from biological science perspective.
Truth be told, at the time I did not feel it was a bad idea to look. It was what it was and I foolishly thought it was a way for me to prove my manhood and tolerance for all things squeamish.
I was too tired to understand the long-lasting repercussions of my actions.
Like a cup of milk spilled on a carpet without anyone knowing, the memory of seeing a woman’s vagina dilate to unholy dimensions will ultimately creep up and smack you in the face… probably when you least want it to, if you know what I mean.
Don’t know what I mean? Ok, let me be blunt. You will remember what you saw when you start to have sex with your partner again and you won’t like it. You will feel weird, awkward and kind of dirty. Worse than when you were having sex with your pregnant partner.
Oh, and you will also feel small and ineffective.
I hope I’ve made myself clear.
Lest you think I am entirely soured on the birthing experience, let me assure you that the positive memories I retain far outweigh this lonely regret. It was an amazing ride that I look forward to experiencing again…. but from the back of the bus, or at least with a very narrow field of vision.
I’m sure a lot of men sit at the front of the bus and cherish the experience. I’m certainly not one of them. And in my opinion, it isn’t worth the risk.
So, to recap: photograph the clock (after photographing your partner) and stay at the back of the bus. Agree? Disagree? The floor is yours…
OMG! I totally agree! My hubby was a great support…from the back of the bus. I didn’t want him anywhere near the front. And Julie, you couldn’t be more right. I finally touched it because I wanted them to shut up about it 😉 not only was it a distraction but it was beyond weird. And I was all natural.
Well, he’s no doctor!! I was surprised my hubby had no trouble looking. I’ll be honest, I did the last few pushes with my eyes closed and emphatically refused the offer to touch his head as he was arriving 🙂
I’ve spoken to many Dad’s since I posted this article, and each of them replied exactly as Howard did above. As for your husband Lori, I suspect he is either lying or a doctor! 🙂 But, in the event that he is neither a liar or a doctor, I bow down to him in admiration and praise. All hail Lori’s husband!
There was no way in HELL I was going to let my DH at the front of the bus. I kind of wanted to see, kind of like a science experiment, but only felt both kids’ heads because I thought DH might accidentally see something in the mirror.
Good advice, wonderfully honest as always!
Shawn – you speak wisdom and truth ! – take it from me a father of 4 !
Thanks for sharing your honest thoughts. I had a c-section and am glad for it. I am not one of those women who always dreamed of having a vaginal delivery. It terrified me. I was relieved when the doctor told me that due to placenta previa, I would need a c-section. It was a surreal experience for both my husband and I but the entire experience was over in 45 minutes. And, my recovery was incredibly quick.
I can’t comment..Im still laughing.
Perhaps he’s in the minority, but my hubby thought it was amazing to see his son being born. I don’t think he thought twice about watching him arrive. And there have been no negative repercussions…if you know what I mean.
ummmm…..yes. and it’s mighty strange to have something attached to you that you can’t feel. it’s exactly like if you were sitting on a bowling ball (okay, a warm, wet, fuzzy bowling ball) and you touch it.
try it! personally, i got nuthin’…except some heebie jeebies. i’m all for natural childbirth but i’m not a total earth mother. 🙂
Touch the baby’s head! Oh my God, that would definitely have brought me out of my numb state! Did you? DID YOU?
and from a woman’s perspective, when the midwife is telling you to touch the baby’s head, don’t. nothing that big should be coming out of something that small!
i never felt so blessed that my eyesight is poor. they were holding up a mirror to show me the “great miracle” even though… “As far as I am concerned, absolutely nothing can be gained from seeing your child’s head emerge from (you)…”
i don’t blame you, shawn! i didn’t want to see it either and thanks to being nearsighted i could just pretend to witness.
wow, i commend you on your frankness and honesty! interesting to hear your perspective. now, i wonder what my husband was really thinkings??