..was tonight. Tonight when I was standing in the parking lot of the daycare with a screaming kid with no coat or hat, tears streaming down both of our faces and me yelling, ‘I don’t even know who you are right now.’ This was the breaking point.
I haven’t been happy in many months. (she sighs). It’s been so easy to blame it on a multitude of things. Where do we start? The weather. The anniversary of my mom’s death. Lack of sleep. Will being sick constantly. A relationship that I hoped was going to take off which didn’t. Christmas. New Years. Hormones. Toddlerhood. Lack of action. Lots of things.
Tonight was the breaking point. I want to feel better and I want to stop putting the blame on life. Because that list of things? None of them are that bad. All of them are parts of life and I need to learn to deal with them. And I may need medication to do that. I’m not sure but I am sure that tomorrow I’m picking up the phone and calling my postpartum psychiatrist and making an appointment (she cries).
When I went for my first consultation with her, it was one of my lowest points. If you want to feel like the ultimate failure, then go see a doctor and tell her you’re unable to handle what women have been handling for centuries. I felt better after my first appointment with her. We reviewed my family history, which is pretty extensive in the depression area. Right away she said that I needed to recognize that maybe, not for sure, but maybe, I’d be on medication for depression for the rest of my life.
I weaned off all my medication by the time Will was a year old. And please don’t get me wrong – I get joy from him – much joy. I’m not sitting around behind closed doors bawling my eyes out at all times. But I am starting to feel out of control again, way more often than not. I can’t control my emotions – they are all over the map. And when you’re raising an equally emotional child, this is a rollercoaster ride that I don’t want to be on – and more importantly, one that I don’t want to take him on with me. It’s resulting in a lot of yelling from me – and a lot of tantrums from him. The guilt is to much.
This led to the breaking point tonight. He didn’t want to leave daycare. Like he seriously did not. He flung on his back and wailed – ‘no go home – no go home’. This translated to me hearing ‘I hate you and your manic ways and I’d rather stay in this germy cesspool than go anywhere with you.’ Ten humiliating minutes later, I carried him out to the car and he refused to get in. I was finally at my wits end when I yelled. I wasn’t sure who I was referring to – Will or me. Who don’t I know anymore? It’s me. I managed to get him into the front seat with me, both hysterically bawling until he finally stopped and said ‘why you crying mommy’ – well you can imagine. I haven’t really stopped since. He, stopped crying immediately and got in his seat with a promise of Bow Wow by The Wiggles and some mac and cheese.
So that’s it. No more. I’m calling tomorrow and getting back on track because we both deserve so much better.
**and now to the Bachelor, to remind myself that there ARE more pathetic people out there than me…(she smiles).**
Oh M….I’m so sorry that you’re going through this but happy that I could be of some help. We are so NOT crazy – and it’s so true….so many people go through this. SO MANY. I wish more people would talk about it. I went for help today, and even though again, I felt like a bit of a failure…I also felt so good knowing I won’t feel like this forever – and that was a tough realization the first time around. Hang in there…
Once again your post comes at just the right time for me. It was through reading your blog after the birth of my daughter that I came to realize that what I was experiencing was not just me going crazy. Your frank description of your own experience is what I needed to reach out for help. Of course I found that once I started talking to friends that I wasn’t alone in my postpartum depression. I wish that there were more people who talk about their experiences. I certainly try to now so that I can show others that they’re not alone.
This past week I caught myself crying and feeling out of control for way too many hours of each day. I read your blog that evening and realized that I’m also back in that dark place and it’s time to speak to my doctor again. Thanks for sharing. I don’t often reply to your blog, but like many others I follow your posts and gain strength from them.
You’re doing a great job and Will is so lucky to have you!
Hang in there Sara! You are on my heart! Depression runs in my family as well, and sometimes when life seems a bit too much to handle and over-the-top careening out of control, I find so much comfort in Jesus. It also helps to have a time-out. Hire a baby-sitter or ask a friend to watch your son at their place for an evening. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Then, take a quiet night, get in your pj’s, and find a quiet spot. I find if I can just find that quiet spot and start talking to Jesus…well, my mind seems to calm itself down after a bit. This spot has often been my walk-in closet, amidst the clothes and shoes there’s some sort of comfort cushion. 🙂
Then, sometimes, I need to readjust my life a bit. Grab my daily planner, block out things and just see where my gaps are. Schedule in time to do a few things you enjoy. Have a regular sitter, maybe 1 day a week, and take time out for your girlfriends also. It’s cool to have someone who can encourage you with even a text message. 🙂
Brave and Beautiful Sara is your new full name.
We all feel this. We all need help. We all are human.
You are not alone – we all love and admire your honesty, humour and way of looking at the world. Why don’t you live next door so we can talk late into the night while my teenagers care for the little guy?
Thinking about you, Sara. Thinking you are AMAZING. xoxoxox nance
Reading about your struggle brought tears to my eyes. I’ve been there. That you have the strength and the wisdom to know you need help, and then go get it…. Well, you’ve earned a standing ovation in this house. You are a rock star!
You aren’t alone! I screamed at my kid today at the Zoo! Who screams at their kid in front of animals? ME:) Then I started crying too….hormones, emotions, temper tantrums are brutal. You are and always will be my hero. Good for you for being open and frank about all that you are handling and working through. And double good for you for getting support.
Good for you for reaching out for help. I recently started back on my anxiety meds because I realized that I simply can’t handle everything going on right now AND be a good mom to my kids. There’s no shame in asking for a little help when we need it. I hope things are looking up for you.
Tracey – the fact that you just typed hairy wiener out has made me laugh harder than I have in a very VERY long time. Ummm this Montreal road trip has to happen because I just want to see you stand there and say it five times fast. Thanks everyone – and you’re right on the perimenopause thing as well. The place I go is an ‘all ages’ women’s mental health clinic so we’ll get it all covered!
Um, yes – what Jen said about perimenopause? This kind of thing can leave a person feeling way out in left field sometimes. And isn’t your boy just at that magical age? It’s all tough, bella. I’m so sorry you’re dealing this way… but good for you for making calls and looking into finding ways to make yourself feel better. It’s gotta be hugely tough doing it all on your own (and yes, it DOES take a village!) so consider yourself full of WIN for getting started at all. February will be brighter, doll. Winter sucks the hairy wiener anyway – that never helps.
Don’t forget to add perimenopause to the list 😉 I am finding the hormonal rollercoaster of epic proportions these days. PMS, for me, is beyond reason and my emotions are all over the map.
Be good to yourself, my friend. This is part of the journey, I think. And remember, women have been doing this for years but only in recent history have they been doing it ALONE. It takes a village!
Hey guys – thanks for all the support and encouragement. As I said to Christine last night – as bad as this all sounds…I actually see it as good – time to start making some changes and feeling better! And Zesty – I’m checking out that book! I love the ‘fight in your blood line’! And Amanda you’re right – I learned that the last time…regaining control…just what I need!
The commenters above have said everything I’m feeling, Sara. Once again I’m so impressed with your sense of self and ability to assess what you need and reach out to get it. Will is such a fortunate boy to have such a brave mother.
So hard, Sara. I think it’s so amazing that you can have such objective insights on all the tough emotions you’re dealing with and know in your heart when you need to reach out and ask for help. That’s so great. So many women just stuff it all down, keep crying behind closed doors, and are paralyzed by the fear of being honest about their struggles, but you know that there is healing and better things ahead.
Thanks for being so open about the hard times. I am so grateful for women who tell it like it is!!
Best in the year ahead as you reclaim some control and move forward.
no problem with drugs…call me…love you and all will be fine..it always is…guardian angel looking down and protecting us all XOXOXOXOX
Hi Sara, I’m so sorry to hear that you find yourself in this dark place, but I’m thankful that you realize that you’re there and are seeking help. One day over the holidays I couldn’t stop crying, and I finally realized how much I am still missing and grieving my mom too, even though it’s been years now since she’s been gone. I also have moments when I can’t figure out if Ally is having a tantrum because he’s tired, because he’s two, or because I’m not doing my job right. I really hope things begin to turn around. I know it’s easy for me to say, and hard for you to take me up on, but please do let me know if you ever want to bring Will by for a playdate or something on the weekends. Thinking of you.
Oh Sara I wish I could give you a big hug right now. I hope that your evening is better and that Will goes right to sleep so you can relax a little. Haul out the Kleenex box and put on some good tube or music.
I think I know (almost) exactly how you feel. Go get the help you need. You are so right. Those problems are just life and when they are overwhelming more help is needed. I’m learning the same things right now. I’ve started on the meds, and they help. I’m also working hard to follow through with counseling, even though I have to travel an hour to see a psychologist and I have a teleconference appointment with a psychiatrist (tomorrow).
Looks like we’re on a similar journey and we can help each other through it.
xoxo Erin
Don’t second guess yourself. There is no shame in asking for help and you’re doing the right thing. You need to read Against Depression by Peter D. Kramer. It completely changed my life and my perspective on depression. It put fight in my blood. Diabetics don’t feel guilty taking insulin. Don’t feel guilty if you need to take medication for your depression. h
Oh Sara.
{{GreatBigGiantTightHugs}}
I’ve been there. And I still go there sometimes.
It’s nice, though, that once we’ve been there – we can recognize when we need to seek help.
I’m proud of you for realizing that now is the time to put the call in. Sometimes that’s the most difficult step. The first step toward making things good again.
You have my number. Use it. Day or night. I MEAN IT.
xoxo