I need some help here.
Every so often Fiona & Sophie ask me if I’m going to die and talk about how they don’t want me to die. They brought it up last night as we were lying together at bedtime (we lie with them until they fall asleep).
I told them that if I wasn’t dying but that if I did die Daddy and Grandma would take care of them. Fiona asked who would be their Mommy if I died. Sophie said, “Grandma”. Sob. Of course that made me think of Maddy and how her kids have a replacement “Mommy”.
I don’t know what puts it in their minds at any given time. I know they are reacting to my Dad’s death.
They, especially Fiona, have also been talking about John’s cat Olga and how much they miss her. Olga died several years before they were born. We have a photo of her and a drawing of her (done by Johanna) that have been lying around since the move (we haven’t decided if or where we’re putting them up).
I don’t want to tell them stories about death, but I want to reassure them so they feel safe.
What would you do or say?
t
I think being honest about the ways and whys of dying is important, but I think those answers can be reassuring, too, about why people die.
I think the idea that it is part of the cycle of life is lovely, and there are some wonderful books for reading together that can help. Here’s a good list:
http://kittenpiespicks.blogspot.com/2006/01/books-for-bereaved.html
and another list that also talks about grandparents with Alzhiemers and other scary diseases that make them less than they were:
http://kittenpiespicks.blogspot.com/2008/12/when-grandparents-fade.html
I also tend to emphasize that dying younger is rare, and that there are many people and supports in their lives, because yeah, they worry about this stuff once they start connecting the dots.
I understand you completely – of course it’s totally possible that a person can die at any time – we talk about that too… I just don’t want them to be unnecessarily anxious about me dying all the time… like carrying a worry around with them, to be fretful about. Of course, if my heath were failing, then I’d prepare them in a different way.
My friend, whose children are good friends with my kids lost their dad Thanksgiving weekend. He left behind a 4 and 7 yr old daughter.
My best friend passed away 2 years ago. She was 35 and left behind a 2, 4 and 7 yr old.
I can’t tell my kids that I will be around until I am very old…because that might not be true. I hope and pray it is true and that we all live very long and healthy lives. But a young death has touched too close enough times so I have to be realistic.
I was talking with my friend (whose husband passed on Thanksgiving) about trying to help Cuyler understand death. She recommended a book called “When Dinosaurs Die”
I’m not sure about the title (it`s not about dinosaurs) but it is a very thorough yet simple book explaining death. All the ways people can die. How people deal with with death. Burial and cremation…etc.
It was actually an excellent book. I read it to the kids. They asked questions as we read it. It made it more a matter of fact, part of life – but NOT scary.
I would highly recommend that.
WE’ve always spoken to our children about death -it is a part of life. When their great grandma died, both went to the funeral. The director told us that the earlier you introduce the concept of death, the less traumatic it is.
We often will say to the bairn how much Grandma McCaig would have loved them or would have laughed at something they did. We always say she’s in heaven sending down her love. There’s a great comfort in that. (We also clarified that while she is watching down from heaven, she can’t see any private moments like changing or bathroom time!!)
I think you gave a perfect, age appropriate answer. I’ve always thought it best to be as honest as possible with my children. My grandfather passed away when my eldest was 3. She was incredibly close to “poppa”, so we decided to bring her with us for the funeral. My family objected, saying she was much too young, but her dad and I felt she needed closure. It was an open casket, and so in order to prepare her, we told her that poppa was going to heaven (I’m not religious, but hope there is something waiting for us “on the other side”) and that he would be delivered there in a “special box”. This prevented her from getting completely freaked out seeing here poppa the way he looked in the casket. She was sad that her poppa was gone, but happy that he was no longer suffering. Looking back, 16 years later, I have no regrets.
Yeesh… this is one of the places where I think “white lies” are useful. I know you’ve had a bunch of close losses in your family… ones they’ll remember… and yes, I think they’re probably reacting to your dad’s passing. Sad, my darling.
I’ve been “reassuring” my kids that I’m not going to die until I’m really, really old, and that they’ll also be really, really old when that happens… and just not to worry about it. If they ask, “what if you get sick?” I tell them I won’t, because I’m healthy… because I eat all my DINNER! Stuff like that. As the questions get more pensive and serious, I will level with them more age-appropriately, but while they’re still this young, I just tell them I’m not going anywhere. The End. So far, it seems to be working, in that they don’t seem worried about this kind of thing at the moment.
Le sigh. I hope they’ll feel more secure soon, Erin!