Today I was sitting in a room full of people who are not parents trying to explain myself. I was introducing urbanmoms.ca and discussing the importance of moms connecting with other moms. How becoming a mom impacts EVERYTHING in your life but doesn’t define who you are. How only another mother can truly relate and understand that your issues and concerns are not complaints but a desire to connect, to know that you are not the only one who struggles with the complexity of this life-altering role. I was confident in what I was saying yet, I was met by blank stares from many.
As we dug deeper into the discussion it occurred to me that it was an impossible task trying to explain in words, in everyday language, the intensity of this relationship. You can’t put into words the shift that takes place and the limitless capacity you have to love and to live selflessly to someone who is looking at it in practical terms. Looking in from the outside, it makes no sense.
After mentioning that I had recently left a successful career in the corporate world to start urbanmoms.ca and hopefully spend more time with my children, one young man actually asked me how I could give it all up?! I was frozen. At a loss for words which, believe me, does not happen often, I suddenly saw it from his perspective. I gave up a good paying job that I enjoyed with good benefits in a friendly work environment to spend my days trekking two kids back and forth, serving snack after snack, wiping snotty noses, with limited adult interaction, no pay, no benefits, not even a pat on the back and little variety in my routine…day after day. I could see his point.
What he didn’t see, well, actually, feel, was what I couldn’t communicate. What motivated me was where I fell short. There were words but they didn’t really do it justice. Even I couldn’t rationalize this irrational decision. My desire to be my children’s mother was greater than my desire to have a successful career?…too trite, too simple.
This is where I come full circle back because I know you will understand. The value of our relationships with other moms is made clear to me by this experience. The question, "So, you’re a mom?" posed by one mom to another is like a secret handshake, a knowing look. Only another mom understands and embraces the beautiful chaos of motherhood. Only another mom chooses the snotty noses over the job – or at least understands why it was even a choice in the first place. We are not only moms yet, everything in our lives is permanently changed by being one. This is why our relationships with each other are so important. We need others in our lives who know the secret handshake. "So, you’re a mom!"
Jen
If you would like to share an anecdote, story, or experience with other Canadian urban moms, please send your story by email to email@urbanmoms.ca. We look forward to it!
Thanks for the great article — parts of it were as if you were writing about me. I too had a successful professional career. Even while I was pregnant I thought I’d be returning Full-Time. Now that my little one is 8 months I have changed my mind. Difficult decision but the right one for me.
Hi Jen,
Reading your article takes me back to when I called my mother from the hospital, shortly after I had given birth to our eldest son. Her first words to me (after crying in excitement about the birth of her first grandchild) were, “Welcome to the Club”!
Oh how true. I loved becoming a mom. I have relived this feeling many times with many moms (and dads!)I get this feeling most with moms who have more than 3 kids. There is that understanding that we are not insane for not tying our tubes after two kids and then having an “opps”. And also when I connect with mom/dads of multiples, they understand that hearing “oh I wish I had twins!” is a annoying.” I witnessed a dad at christmas time buying identical trucks, I said “twins?” he nodded stating “yup 4 years old”, I calmly looked at him and said “it can be hell can’t it”, a deep sigh acknowledged what only we of multiples know, twins are wonderful, but it can be hell. God help those with higher multiples!
I love being a mother. It is not who I am, but a part of me that is the best part. Connecting with other moms reaffirms the trials and joys from birth to…well for me..the beginning of the tween years.
Thanks for sharing Jen.
Patti
My youngest sister became a mom yesterday. She joined “the club.” I am so excited and happy for her. I know she is in for a rollercoaster ride because there are those crazy days, but there are also those incredibly joyous days, too — especially when you’re on the upswing after a really rough stage with one of your kids. Motherhood is amazing, plain and simple.