“Shock and Awe.”
Technically, it’s a military term that refers to the rapid dominance of an enemy with great force and speed.
Throughout my wife’s entire pregnancy, I was in a perpetual state of shock and awe. But not at any enemy. It wasn’t a bad thing, by any stretch of the imagination.
Rather, I was in awe at my wife’s ability to cope with the rapid dominance of her body by the little Pea that was growing inside of her.
I was in awe at the changes she was going through. At the way she stayed so calm in the face of hormonal fluctuations and shoes breaking at the seams. At the way she simply got out of bed in the morning.
As the days turned to months, and the jeans turned to stretchy pants, my awe turned to wonder. I couldn’t help but wonder what things would be like if men were the ones to get pregnant.
You know, like in the classic movie Junior, starring Danny DeVito and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Yes, I said classic.
In my wonder, I started a list. Because that’s what I do. Here’s what I’ve come up with so far.
If men were the ones to get pregnant, there would be:
- 6 months of conception leave, for couples actively trying to get pregnant
- 10 months of pregnancy leave, retroactive to the date of conception
- 6 months of recovery leave
- 2 years of parental leave
- 1 year gym membership with complimentary personal trainer
- Full wardrobe, refreshed monthly, retroactive to the date of conception
- A national ban on making fun of men who cry in public (with automatic jail term for first offence)
- Free valet parking… everywhere
- 24 hour on call ECE professionals
- 2 year, 4 month loan of a motorized scooter with speed limiter removed (to cover the duration of the pregnancy leave, recovery leave and parental leave)
- Personal chocolatiers (to cover the entire recovery and parental leave)
Naturally, this would all be covered by the government.
Are you shocked? In awe? C’mon, really? Am I that far off?
Feel free to add to the list by submitting a comment or two… and let me know if you disagree…
And if you feel the urge to throw in a quote from Junior, fill your boots.
It does seem that everybody is into this kind of stuff lately. Don’t really understand it though, but thanks for trying to explain it. Appreciate you shedding light into this matter. Keep it up
All those ideas sound pretty good…..but I guess that’s why women have the babies, we’re doing our part to avoid a further government deficit 🙂 (And I wouldn’t have traded the experience for anything – stretchy pants & all!)
Could you add the following to your list:
-assistants (lots of them).
What a hilarious post. Look forward to reading more.
Is it too graphic to suggest an immediate consult with a plastic surgeon after delivery?
You got it Jen. Coming soon, Shawn’s list of Classic Films! I’m not going to confirm or deny that “Joe Dirt” is on the list, but I will say that David Spade gives the performance of a lifetime as a spunky upstart trying to find his way in this wacky, wacky world. And the film features Kid Rock. ‘Nuff said.
Therapy is an excellent addition, and would definitely be a perk offered for the entire lifetime of the father!
Um, I would like to see what else is on your list of Classic Films.
As for your “if dad was mom” list, I would also add therapy. I don’t know a single man who could go through pregnancy, birth, and early motherhood without some serious emotional support.