She’s sick. Again. Now I’m miffed.

A letter to the cold that is currently plaguing my sweet, innocent little Pea:

Cold, (note the intentional lack of a formal greeting, such as “Dear” or “Mr”)

You [expletive deleted] son-of-a-[expletive deleted]!  YOU ARE NOT WELCOME HERE!  How dare you enter my child’s body and plague her with illness, causing her to have clogged up sinuses, sneezing, frequent night wakings and general malaise? 

She’s just a toddler fella, get a grip! 

Does it make you feel good to make little kids feel bad?  When are you going to realize that you are a nuisance upon mankind and that you should just go away?  You must have some kind of weird, little-man Napoleonic complex going on to attack a poor, unsuspecting child like this. 

Now, I’m a good guy and I’m willing to give you the benefit of the doubt… perhaps you have a boss who’s a tyrant.  Maybe some kind of bacteria or something.  And he keeps riding you and riding you… “Make her sneeze!  Make her sneeze!” 

If this is the case, take a stand for God’s sake.  Be a man!  There are plenty of other things you can do with your life.  Might I suggest Research Assistant or Vaccine?

Should you not cease your attack immediately, I can make you this promise: if I ever, EVER, meet you face-to-face, you are in for a whole world of hurt my friend.  I will rain down bucket loads and of nasal spray, decongestant and acetaminophen that will make you long for a slow-acting anti-biotic! 

Now, we had a similar conversation in mid-December, but perhaps you are too thick and dense to get the hint.  So I have enclosed a photo that will illustrate to you exactly what I am capable of.  I trust this will help you come to your senses.

In closing, this is my final warning shot across your bow.  Get lost or face my wrath. 

Yours in vehement anger,
Pea’s Dad

PS – Don’t you dare use the “I am a victim of cyber-bullying” angle… that’s a serious issue and no one is on your side in this fight.