Thank you Brene Brown.
I’ve been reading “I Thought it was Just Me (But it Isn’t)”. It is helping me to deal with some of my demons. The book is also helping me to organize my thoughts about many issues I have with our culture.
Here is Brene’s definition of shame:
Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging.
Why study shame? Because it affects all of us. Some more than others but we all experience it and suffer because of it. Because building shame resililience will help us live happier lives. Tt will help us to teach our children to be shame resilient.
“Women most often experience shame as a web of layered, conflicting and competing social-community expectations. These expectations dictate:
- who we should be
- what we should be
- how we should be
Shame creates feelings of fear, blame and disconnection.”
I’ve always known this but I couldn’t put my finger on how to describe it or to work on it. This book is invaluable to me. I always knew there was a cultural connection and a resulting media connection. I let my shame isolate me in many ways. Now I’m slowly learning I need to reach out.
Brene identifies a number of major shame triggers. Body image and mothering are virtually universal triggers.
I will touch on body image because it is so prevalent. Our media feeds us extremely unrealistic images of female (and male) beauty. So unrealistic that they are not real. Watch a video of a model being photoshopped skinnier, having blemishes removed, cheek bones raised and accentuated, breasts enlarged, etc. It’s almost shocking. Even knowing this most of us still have unrealistic expectations about our bodies at some points in our lives. We feel unworthy.
Building resilience involves contestualizing, seeing the big picture. In the case of body image this means looking critically at our culture and how it creates and reinforces an unrealistic expectation of beauty. It also involves normalizing, recognizing that I am not the only one who feels this way. Many women struggle with body image. Finally we need to demystify the shame, by not keeping this information and these feelings to ourselves. I need to talk about my feelings of shame openly and sharing what I know about the beauty industry with others. I would also add use the six Ps referred to later – such as not purchasing products from companies that use these types of messages in marketing.
Brene says that it’s important to share our story. Reaching out is the most powerful act of resilience. So here goes.
I’m going to write about a recent shame trigger for me. I have been triggered by posts on this blog and writing in other places about how we can change our thinking to become happier. I’ve stated that I believe this is true but I did not find it helpful to read it (or even worse, hear it in person). I felt shamed. My feelings of shame and unworthiness were about NOT being able to do that. I was not enough since I could not drag myself up out of my depression. So I had a strong reaction. I tried to comment that we needed compassion and empathy not (what felt like) lectures. I felt pathologized and pathologizing is dangerous. We need to normalize instead. I am fully aware that that is not the intention of the writers yet this is how I felt. I even felt ashamed of those feeling of not reacting positively to the ideas.
Yesterday I read this and I felt so relieved and validated – which is exactly what I needed.
“When you tell people their situation is only “perception” and they can change it, you shame them, belittle them…rather than dismissing someone’s experience as perception, we might want to ask, “How can I help?” or “Is there some way I can support you?”
It’s not only perception. Bad things happen. There are racists, homophobes, abusive parents and spouses, etc., out there. I’ve had a lot of difficult things happen in my life and I didn’t know how to deal with them or grieve. Starting with my father’s alcoholism, then my brothers schizophrenia, my sister’s cancer and death, issues with her ex and the kids, and other situations that I don’t want to discuss here. Yes we need to rise above it but, it’s not really as simple as changing our thoughts.
I was depressed. I became isolated, partly through circumstance and partly of my own doing. I did reach out for help though. In fact, I worked really, really hard getting help. I went to my doctor, a psychologist, a support group. I read The Happiness Project, a Deepak Chopra book on happiness, and others. I worked it. I was still depressed. I managed to change some of my circumstances by moving, things were better, but I wasn’t happy yet. I used every resource I could. I have a supportive family too. But it wasn’t enough. How shameful is that. Even with all that work I could not turn my thinking around.
Imagine someone who doesn’t have all these things. The education background to read up on things, the environment where there is help around, the impetus to go get help?
My shame is why I reacted to those posts. The shame in not having managed everything well. My shame in being overwhelmed by life. At first I was hurt and sad. Then I was angry. I wanted people to see my side. But no one did – or if they did they didn’t comment. Once again I was isolated in my shame. I’m learning to recognize my triggers so I can start building resilience, this post is a start. But it’s not only personal work that is required, it’s very, very important, but more is needed.
Brene speaks of the six Ps of creating change; personal, pens, polls, participation, purchases and protests. I’m working with the personal and the pen right now. As I work through my shame I see myself pushing towards, trying to convince people of my perspective and my worthiness, and pulling away, retreating into the thought that I am not worthy and my ideas on the topic are not worth your consideration. I also lash out in my head. I come up with the perfect argument, the one that will sh
ame you and make you realize the error of your ways. We often react to our own shame by shaming others.
ame you and make you realize the error of your ways. We often react to our own shame by shaming others.
I spent a fair bit of time examining my motives for writing this post. Human’s are so complicated! I know some of my motivation is to share this wonderful information I have discovered in the hopes that it may help someone else. Some of it is to help myself by sharing with you (but I should add Brene talks about f2f interactions with trustworthy, empathetic friends). I think that I still wanted to show everyone how my opinion has merit – how it makes sense. I was still doing the “worthiness hustle”. Mostly thought I want to figure out how to help people, how to make connections, which is a human need.
In the end we all do need to figure out how to be happy. How to move past shame and stop doing the “worthiness hustle”. It might happen a lot faster with compassion and empathy though. And with the critical evaluation of how our culture creates shame. And how we can help others deal with their shame.
I can’t possible do Brene’s work justice in a blog post but I hope that I’ve managed to explain my own experience.
I’ll leave you with this quote from Daily Inspiration from The Monk who Sold his Ferrari.
…The duty of every human being is not self-improvement but self-remembering. To self-remember is to reclaim the state of being and the authentic power that we lost when we left the ideal state of newborn children and walked out into this fear filled world of ours….
Thank you for reading.
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Thanks for commenting Sara. I’ve really found Brene’s work on shame helpful. Her stuff is research based – shame is universal – it’s resilience to it that is the issue. We can help one another by being empathetic. But we do need to do our own work. I fully agree that positive thinking is critical, my points have been about it not being so easy and helping one another. That’s all. I keep a daily gratitude list which is helpful too.
Hey Erin – I’ve read and reread your post a few times now (you always have SO much good info that I can’t get it all in one read). I still need to read it a few more times to really get it I think – I’ve never really thought of shame in this way and it intrigues me. I know I’m one of those ‘positive thinking’ bloggers…but I certainly never thought of it in terms of that breaking me of my depression or pulling me out of my anxiety attacks. I’m using medication to assist in that as I’m still a firm believer that mental illness can be assisted with the correct meds – at least in my case). Personally I see it as ‘gratefulness’. Me just looking around and trying to remind myself how good I really have it and that I have a mental illness that is causing me to be depressed. But I hope in my comments I never sounded like ‘suck it up’ – because I loathe that – it’s not possible or realistic. Thanks for always giving us so much to think about. And sharing – we have to share about this stuff!
I would like to point out that the first part of this post is my attempt at explaining the book, the thoughts are not my own, although I identify strongly with them.
Ena, I’m glad that you could relate to my story and I thank you for responding. I believe (and Brene Brown’s research demonstrates) sharing our stories helps us and helps others. The right therapy is a godsend too, for those who can find it and afford it.
YogiBear – the point of this whole exercise is to let it go. To recognize my shame triggers and learn to work through the shame. I am focussing on myself. And on our culture. I have always felt that we are collectively responsible for some of what is happening. It seems you disagree and that is fine. I will continue to examine the role I play individually and the role culture and the media play.
I did not think I was placing blame at all, I was identifying my reaction and working on that.
Let it GO. It is outside of your control. Society creates shame but it is up to you to reject that. The only thing you can control is how you feel about yourself. Choose to love yourself and accept yourself and the rest will come.
I still feel so much judgment and self-justification from your writing. You crave others’ approval so much it drips off every word. Why the need to convince us? If you truly believed what you are writing it would come across less as a defence and more as inspiration.
You say you felt anger and shame from other people’s writing yet you encourage people to write their own stories…but only when it is akin to yours? When someone comments or questions your words this is hurtful and unfair but you are free to comment on, judge and take personally someone else’s?
Most of what happens around us has nothing to do with us individually – words written by someone else is their story, their perspective. Being open to another perspective but not taking it personally is one of the first steps in self-acceptance.
If you are intent on analyzing and looking externally, which is what you are doing here for both answers and blame, you are still far from finding the peace you are seeking.
Depression and self-love can exist together. Focus on yourself, look internally, act internally and don’t spend so much time look outside of you for the problem and the solution.
Hi Erin,
Thanks for this post. I am a regular reader of Urban Moms and can identify with what you are saying. I am an educated, successful woman who has lived with anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember. I recently had the opportunity to get some therapy, which helped immensely, in the sense that I developed some tools to deal with my mental health issues, but more importantly, I learned acceptance of myself and to let go of some of that shame. I realized that my anxiety and depression may never go away, and that there are people out there who may judge me for it, but they are not my problem.
What a relief to hear this from a professional after all these years! Developing some self-compassion and giving myself the empathy that I give to others has gone a long way to making me feel better. I am still anxious. I still get depressed. But I don’t listen to people who tell me to ‘have a better attitude’. It is not helpful and it is not kind.
I have noticed this attitude with an old friend lately. She has been reading various self-help books and websites and forwarding me emails about better living through positive thinking. I also get this from a relative, who used to tell me that if I started the day with a smile, the day would be a good one. I asked her to stop emailing me, but I still have trouble being around her, as she is dismissive of anything I say that is not positive. (I would like to add, I am not a negative person by nature, I think I am quite fun and funny, and it is upsetting to feel ‘censored’ when spending time with family.)
It seems so simplistic and it trivializes the issue of mental health. If we had diabetes or cancer, no one would tell us to cure it with a positive attitude (or someone may, but again, how simplistic, and what a way to belittle someone).
I am fortunate, like you, to have great support, and people who love me, depression and all. My husband is a kind man, who has never really experienced depression or serious anxiety himself, but he takes me as I am and embraces all of it.
I don’t usually post, but if we continue to keep quiet, the stigma continues. I remain, like all of us, a work in progress. And I would like to point out that even as an educated, successful woman, it took me almost 25 years to see a therapist that could help me. I saw other professionals, but did not find their approach helpful, I saw doctors who would have been happy to give me meds, which I did not want to take. At one point, I was chosen to participate in group therapy, but it would have meant taking an afternoon off work every week for ten weeks – not an option at that point in my life. Even now, the clinic I go to has just cut the funding for the therapy I received – I got in just under the nose. Even when we are willing to ask for help, it does not magically appear….there is no easy cure for anxiety and depression.