You’ve heard of separation anxiety, right? Just in case you haven’t, Wikipedia states:
Separation anxiety occurs as babies begin to understand their own selfhood–or understand that they are a separate person from their primary caregiver. At the same time, the concept of object permanence emerges–which is when children learn that something still exists when it is not seen or heard. As babies begin to understand that they can be separated from their primary caregiver, they do not understand that their caregiver will return, nor do they have a concept of time. This, in turn, causes a normal and healthy anxious reaction.
Now, apparently, separation anxiety begins around 4-7 months of age, and peaks anywhere around 18-36 months. Then it should start to decline.
Should.
Problem is, in my kids, I feel like it hasn’t. Now that’s not to say that I think they have Separation Anxiety Disorder, which is essentially what happens when separation anxiety begins to affect your ability to live your day-to-day life. I wouldn’t say we’re (quite) there yet. My kids go to school (mostly) every day, when I’m working they go to their caregiver (mostly) on time in the mornings, they’ll go to activities (mostly) on their own, and they’ll even go away (usually) agreeably with their dad. But a sleepover at a friend’s house? Forget it. Last night they both announced they were going to sleep over at friends’ houses and I enthusiastically agreed. Sure enough, before 10:00 p.m. I had calls from both houses and my girls were back home in their own beds by 11:00, leaving two crying and disappointed little girls behind.
Argh.
I don’t mind that they love me and need me, really I don’t. And I don’t mind that they don’t like to have sleepovers at friends’ houses. Whatever. It’s just that, at nearly 10 and 7, I really feel that they should be able to do more, range further, without me. I don’t think I should have to be late – EVER – for work because my kids are wailing, crying, flailing on the floor about going to their caregiver, who is kind, funny, friendly and also happens to be a family friend. I don’t think I should have to sit and watch EVERY gymnastics practice because they’re scared if they can’t see me.
And it’s not just for me. It’s not just because I would relish the chance to go to Starbucks during gymnastics or swimming lessons or even have a weekend to myself at home while they go camping with Dad. It’s also for them. By this age and stage, I worry that they will begin to miss out on fun stuff because I can’t and won’t accompany them everywhere they go, holding their hands. My older daughter is supposed to go on a 2-day jaunt to West Edmonton Mall for a friend’s birthday – will she bail at the last minute because she can’t sleep without me nearby?
Unfortunately, I don’t have any good advice. My kids are exactly the opposite. I think I just never gave them the option of having me stay…and it worked for them. like, they never got the idea that I would ever be staying while they danced (actually, the dance school they go closes all the blinds etc. while the class is going on so parents CAN’T stay!) I did have a bit of “don’t go to work Mommy”s from the kids occasionally, but I would physically pry them off of me and would turn around and let them cry and whine. I knew they’d settle after I left and they’d be fine.
But, kids are so different…so what worked for mine probably wouldn’t have worked for yours, yanno? I wish I had a good answer for you. For you. and for them.
I have a 11 year old daughter with separation anxiety. She goes to school but will often call home saying she is sick. (not sick) She goes to gymnastics which she loves so this is not a problem. She will not go to sleep overs at anyones homes. She prefers to have friends play at our home rather than going out. Ultimately she would rather stay home where it is safe rather than going out.
We have taken her to a counselor an it helped quite a bit. This is not the kind of counselor where she talks about what makes her upset but someone who has given her some tools to help her when she feels the anxiety rising. She gave her 3 -4 meditation techniques to help herself calm down. (happy place, thermometer, grounding her feet, happiness box)
Although she is still not able to do some of the things like sleep overs the meditation techniques have helped her.
Forcing the issue will only make the anxiety worse. The kids need to have tools to make themselves feel better and more comfortable in any situation.
Good Luck
Hmmm…this is a tough one.
I wonder if your daughter will do the sleepover birthday if there is a group of girls, as opposed to just 1 other friend. Strength in numbers maybe?
We’ve been lucky to slowly ease into sleepovers at grandparents houses (who all live about a 5 minute drive from us).
Cam’s first few friend sleepovers ended with phone calls before midnight. Now he’s fine…as a matter of fact he’s at one right now!! (Cuyler LOVES when Cam has a friend sleepover) I found the closer the friends lived to our house the easier it was for him.
It would be very freeing for you to be able step out while they are at their activities – that was one think we looked forward to when Cam reached that stage. Now we alternate with other parents drop off and pick up for practices. And if Sean’s out of town Cam can hitch a ride with another family to a game if I can’t bring the other 2…
I would start slow. Tell them (adamantly) that you’re going to Starbucks while they’re at gymnastics and ask how long they’re comfortable with you being gone.
If they say not at all – then say your going no matter what and give them the choice of you leaving for 5 minutes or 1 hour. They’ll pick 5 minutes. And it’s a start – sit in the car for 5 minutes. Let them be a part of it and give them limited choices and limited control over the situation.
If that goes ok – stretch it out…tell them you’ll be back in 10. Then 15.
Then tell them you’ll be back after class and give them the choice of a drink you’ll bring them back.
I always give realistic 2 options and they always pick one…this strategy especially works well with Cuyler.