I’ll let you in on a little secret: I’m not the first in my group of friends to get divorced. In fact, out of a really close-knit group of four girlfriends, three of us have split from our husbands. That is higher than the national average, but not really all that unusual. We each ended up single again at different times and for different reasons, but given that we all met at baby group with our firstborns, it is a bit surprising that within a decade only one of us is still married.
Each of us is different, and has handled our separation differently, too. My friend Audrey was the first to separate. Unbelievably, the weekend her husband moved out, she met a new man. He was divorced himself, and they met while dropping their boys off at a birthday party. It was instant attraction, and they headed straight from the party to a coffee date, then to dinner dates, and the rest was history. Straight from one relationship to the next. And for her, the best part of her new relationship was the sex! Her ex had been decidedly cool (read: absent) in the bedroom, and she had hit her sexual prime. Being in a relationship where the sex was exciting, frequent and fun was new and exciting. She was one happy lady.
My friend Kate left her husband and began dating immediately as well. But not just one man – she seemed out to prove the maxim that there are, indeed, many fish in the sea! She went to clubs and met men. She went to internet dating sites and met men. She got asked out at the grocery store, she got asked out at Starbucks. And she went out – lots. And yes, she slept with a number of the men she dated as well.
So: that’s my two girlfriends, single and sexy. But what about me?
The truth is, I’m afraid to be sexually involved again. First of all, I am not, and have never been, interested in casual sex. So I wouldn’t be following Kate’s lead. I don’t judge her: she was safe – every time – and it was her comfort zone. And actually, it was fun to hear about her adventures! But it’s just not my comfort zone. And to be honest, although I personally feel better having sex be part of a longer-term relationship, I am not interested in following Audrey’s lead (yet) either.
It’s just this. I’m afraid of making all the same mistakes I made the first time. I’m afraid of settling. Of making myself so vulnerable and afraid of loss that I live my life in denial. Also: the intimacy involved in a sexual relationship is – for me – intense. I just don’t know if I’m ready to be that vulnerable again. Also there’s this: I’m not as young as I once was. I’ve given birth to two children. I’ve breastfed two children. That does things to your sexy parts, you know?
There are just so many things to worry about, to be scared about. I’m definitely eager to meet someone special – to spend time with a man again. It’s just that I’m also equally scared to get into the bedroom.
How do i get over a bad relationship?
Is this a bad sign for a relationship?
Gravity is NOT my friend, Alice. No…not at all!
Being happy=being sexy…I like that equation. Thanks Nancy!
Thanks for the vote of confidence, Sara!
Tracey, that’s a good point! Actually, my friend Kate found it really empowering to go to bed with some new lovers, because it helped her love her body again too.
Claire- I understand everything that you say as a single person after being married for so long. But I really do equate sexy with happy and if you are happy you are sexy. Let the world see this.
I get everything you are saying Claire and all of it is so true. However, being happy is the sexiest thing on earth – so I find myself in my lsate 40’s feeling the sexiest I have ever felt.
If you are truly happy – see that as sexy – and everyone else will see it too.
good luck and have fun with it.
Hey Claire! I love the honesty in your post! Being that I’m in a non self-imposed dry spell of EPIC proportions right now…I’m almost in the same boat as you – I feel nervous at the prospect as it’s been so long…have I lost my ‘touch’?! Take your time…you’ll get there!
This must be a bit scary! But, I don’t know if many men ask women to leave their beds… I think most men feel kinda lucky to have a naked woman anywhere near them – and I think men are often nervous too. You’ll navigate that part when you meet someone you like enough, I reckon. Good luck… and have fun!!
I can TOTALLY understand that. None of my bits are what they once were!