Rick Rypien of the Vancouver Canucks died at his home on Monday. It’s believed he committed suicide. I’d never heard of Rick Rypien had you? I’ve been thinking a lot about him and his family since I heard though. How many kids dream of playing in the NHL? How many actually make it? Even reaching this incredible goal wasn’t enough to beat back the depression that Rypien suffered from.
There will probably be people who don’t suffer from depression shaking their heads and wondering what the hell! But I so get it.
I’ve written about my postpartum and subsequent minor slip back before. What I’m grasping lately though is how I’ve more than likely suffered from depression and anxiety for most of my life I just didn’t recognize it. The high highs and the low lows. That’s me. A rollercoaster of ups and downs. I recognize now how I drank away my university years and my twenties. At the time, I thought I was just doing what everyone else did – just partying. Really? I was trying to keep on the high high – looking to fill the void of the low low.
I keep thinking of Rick Rypien. I can imagine him wondering why the hell he was still so sad even though he had achieved such a major goal. I think that’s the worst part of depression. When you can’t understand why.
Depression is real. It’s not just ‘oh that person is so sad, she needs to suck it up.’ Depression is a brain disorder. Depression is hereditary. People on both sides of my family suffer from depression. Will is at high risk of suffering from depression.
So, in the same way I kept an eye on myself after having Will – knowing I was at risk, I’m going to keep my eye on Will as he gets older. I will have ‘the talk’ with him. The same way he needs to learn about sex, he needs to learn about depression. If he does suffer from it, I want him to know that he’s not alone, there’s nothing to be ashamed of and that there are amazing drugs to balance you out. He’ll need to know that some won’t be the right ones and that it takes time to find the perfect balance.
I want him to know that he doesn’t have to ask ‘why aren’t I happy when I have everything I want’. It’s an illness and there is help and there is true happiness to be found.
Does your family have to deal with depression? Do you or will you talk to your kids about it??
Absolutely Kath! Did not meant to not highlight the importance of therapy. I don’t think it’s essential for everyone (i.e. I’ve seen them in the past and for sure it saved me during PPD – but right now, I recognize it’s just life happening to me). But therapy – and I think in my opinion, would be amazing for kids and teens. I think I never really wanted to say I was sad or do anything to disappoint my parents – it may have been good to have a third party to talk to. So YES absolutely therapy!!!
Sara,
My family has depression and addiction on both sides also. As you know, I’ve also suffered from depression in the past few years. Your comments about partying away your 20s are such a reflection of my life too. In retrospect, I think I’ve been avoiding deep thought for years – by having fun. Hmmm. I never thought I was depressed before, but now I wonder.
My brother has Schizophrenia – which is so difficult for him and the family. And there is a HUGE stigma.
My dad was terribly depressed and self-medicated with alcohol – until it killed him in May. He would not get help for his depression or alcoholism.
Have you read Gabor Mate’s “In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts”? It’s about the causes of addiction, most of which step from mental illness.
Kath, I think you are right about therapy, but it’s not easy to come by everywhere. My case is a perfect example. In North Bay – an hour from here – 2 hours from my new home – there are a variety of therapists. Where I’m moving too – 0. There is a CMHA office that handles emergency cases only.
How do we reduce the stigma?
Just like everyone else has said, Sara, you are not alone. I have dealt with the effects of depression and other mental illness for many years. It was a major contributor to the crash of my marriage. Now my daughter is battling it as well, at a tender 10 years old.
We need to break down the stereotypes and stigmas associated with mental illness. I have often said, “if you had diabetes, would you resist taking insulin because it made you feel weak?” HELL NO. Would you say to yourself, “come on, you just need to buck up and get that blood sugar under control!” NO WAY. And would you lament the loss of the sugar highs/lows once your blood sugar was under control? I hope not. It’s no different with mental illness.
But I also think we shouldn’t undermine the importance of therapy in the treatment of mental illness. Studies show that for depression in particular, the most effective long-term treatment is a combination of therapy and meds.
My mum lives with depression, and had a massive crash not long after her divorce. She was a single mother of two toddlers and one preteen and she broke in so many ways. We learned from her what strength it takes to ask for help when you need it, what depth it takes to dig your way up out of the dark, and what it is to be the only thing worth living for. She is an incredible woman.
Dealing with the stigma associated with depression – or any mental health issue – is the only way to make the fight easier. Imagine how fewer people would suffer in silence, self medicate with alcohol, or turn to food as their only point of control. Spreading the word is the only solution. Thank you for doing that. Thank you for sharing your story. Thank you so very, very much. To quote Nancy, Sara, you do so much good.
I have only anecdotal evidence and a good hunch but I would say EVERY family deals with it/has it. I talk to my children about it all the time and honestly I think it is everywhere. We must talk and get everything out from underneath the carpet.
Thank- you for your honesty again sara- you do so much good. xn
All good things to know. I will admit that the one time I tried to get help I was too immature. I didn’t like the psychiatrist my doctor sent me to. I didn’t trust him enough to be honest with him. Then he gave me a prescription that didn’t work so I assumed the whole thing was a bad idea. I was too young to realize that I could ask to see someone different and that I had control over the care I received. I just need to get over my past and do something for my adult-self. (oh and the horny part is really good to know)
I think that aspect has really changed – and that’s what I mean about trying different drugs. Right after my mom died, I was on one that made me a bit numb and with zero sex drive. The one I’m on now, I have none of those issues. I still have the VERY happy state and I sometimes still have my crying days – but that’s normal. It just lets me function without depression being the focus. I just feel normal (oh and still horny…:)).
You’ve hit on one of my concerns. I need to get over my idea that having to take any medication on a long term basis is the same as using alcohol to medicate yourself. My Dad’s (Grandma’s and many uncle’s) addiction issues scare the hell out of me. Probably because I too had a serious problem in my younger years. I worked really hard for many years at kicking the habit. I need help in understanding the difference being needing medication to help balance the chemicals and using alcohol to feel better temporarily.
Plus what I remember from taking the medication before is that I missed feeling happy. The pills just made everything level, no lows but no highs either. I hated feeling numb.
Corrie – I’m so happy you commented. I also recognized that manic spiral…ugh – hated it so much but it was my last spiral that convinced me I’d forever be on meds to handle it. We also have addiction issues in my family – and I’ve thought about the whole ‘must be on drugs’ and the addiction side of it but I do see them so separately. Depression drugs aren’t a crutch – alcohol, mind-enhancing (for lack of a better word) – are in my humble opinion. I see it as this – if you had cancer, you’d take drugs to fight it. That’s not to say that I don’t think there are also amazing homeopathic treatments…and my friends will tell you that I was a different person after taking meditation – but I’ve never felt as good as I have the last six months since I’ve found the right drug and the right dose. Hang in there my friend – and writing about it is a great start…xxx
I have a mother who is bi-polar (undiagnosed) and my father was diagnosed a maniac depressive with suicidal and psychotic tendencies. I’m 42 years old and watched both my parents go up and down and in and out of hospitals since I was a toddler. All that and I still have a hard time admitting that I suffer from depression as well. I can’t bring myself to go to a doctor and I don’t want to go back on medication (I used to have an anti-depression prescription in my early 20’s).
I’ve learned to recognize when my manic spiral is coming, I repeat to myself that it’s only the chemicals in my brain that are doing it, and I get up every day and try not to break down (not always successfully). If I went to a doctor I could get help but I don’t know if my family would understand. They’ve always denied there was anything wrong with my parents and called me the strong one who could handle anything. To admit that there is something wrong would require them to admit that I can’t handle everything. I’ve been the one they can rely on to be there and resolve all the problems.
I talk to my kids (11 and 7) about addiction because I believe that’s an inherited problem and there are far too many people in my family with addictions. I talk to my kids about depression because it’s an inherited disease and so many people in my family suffer from it. But is this enough? Am I setting a good example for my kids by not facing my problem? Does understanding my depression and talking to them in general about it open their eyes enough? My father’s involvement with AA made me realize that I had to stop drinking. I was like you and spent my late teens and early 20’s drinking waaaaay too much, in an effort to fit in and be happy. Would seeking help set the same example for my kids, if at some point they too had mental health issues?
I guess what all this rambling is getting at, in a very roundabout way, is thank you for sharing. Depression is such misunderstood disease, even by those suffering from it. I appreciate that you, someone I know and admire, are candid about your depression. It brings me one step closer to seeking help.
Yep. Me. I’ve made no secret of my issues.
It is the absolute worst feeling to feel like you’re not a part of your own mind.
You *know* you’ve got many blessing and good things in life yet you are so far into his pit of sad that you don’t care about the good. The sad overwhelms the good.
I remember Sean’s boss not being supportive of us and our situation. I was so embarrassed anytime I saw her (YES HER…she – a woman – had no understanding of or compassion for us at that time) because in her eyes – I couldn’t manage my life – my children. I was incompetent. It was awful.
Unfortunately her daughter-in-law dealt with it 4 years after I did but her situation was much more serious.
Mental health issues run in our family. It was never talked about growing up. Knowing that my paternal grandfather was a manic depressive would have been good to know while I was dealing with my depression. I was only told about my family history afterwards and I was livid it was all kept such a secret.
I will always be as open as my kids need me to be. They will know what we’ve dealt with. I talk to them – in as basic terms as I can – about my anxiety that I currently deal with.
Wow, Sara. That is such an enormous tragedy. Depression is a serious killer and ruiner of lives.
I agree that you should talk to Will and tell him your story. Be open and honest about you and your family for sure. But then take a step back. What I am learning now as a parent is that you can project too much on to your children of your own feelings and baggage. Warn him and keep your eyes out for signs but don’t make assumptions that he is going to be like you or feel like you do. I am going through this right now with my daughter, I assume she feels the same way about a situation as I do or would have and I say something or react. Then she begins to think about it in a way she wasn’t. She starts to see the negative or the fear when she didn’t before. I have created it in her mind.
Definitely be vigilant but try and be objective too. It is so tough but critical!