In schools all across Canada, the first progress reports of the year will be coming home soon. As a teacher, when I am not frantically marking last-minute tests and assignments, I’m trying to come up with a clear, concise, and sensitive way to tell you that while she loves talking to her friends (and often needs to be reminded to be quiet), she is reluctant to participate in class discussions. Or that even though she is a voracious reader, she has not demonstrated that she can comprehend what she is reading because her assignments are often rushed and/or incomplete. Or that she could be doing so much better in math and social studies if she was more diligent in completing homework and keeping her notebook organized and up-to-date. While we have discussed this in class, I am not sure how much she has absorbed since she was staring out the window and daydreaming for most of the conversation.
Who is this terrible child? Me.
Last week, my son was getting very frustrated while completing his homework and stated that he would probably never “get it” and that I should just come to terms with that. Not believing me when I assured him that he eventually would, I pulled out the big guns: my report cards from when I was around his age. I knew they were not great and thus, would prove my point, but I was unprepared for exactly how bad of a student I was. Not only were the majority of my grades “C”s and “D”s, but the comments suggested that it was pretty much my fault.
As I read though the reports cards, I truly had no recollection of ever reading them before. Nor did I have any recollection of the fallout that must have ensued. All I could remember is that my mom really loved me and always made me feel smart and talented.
I called my mom and asked her about it. Did she ever show me my report cards? Did she get mad at me? Did she care? Did I care? The answers were mostly yes with one big no. We did discuss my reports, she cared enough to talk to my teachers, talk to me, and get me a tutor. As for me caring? Well, according to her, it ranged from not caring at all to getting mad and blaming it on the teacher. But she never got mad at me, punished me, or any other negative consequence. I inquired as to why not?
“That just wasn’t my style,” she said, “and it must’ve worked, because look at you now.” She’s right, I didn’t turn out half-bad!
Why am I telling you this? Well, because before report cards come out, I really want you to think about your reaction. Whether your daughter is a daughter like me, or you have a son who, despite trying really hard, is not doing as well as you would (and most likely he would) like, or you have a child who did amazing…except for that one half-decent mark in gym, yelling and getting angry is not the way to go. All that does is lower her self-esteem, put him on the defensive, and make her reluctant to believe that you really are on her side. Talk with your child, not at your child or down to your child. In that conversation, consider the following:
- Find at least one thing in the report card that is positive and build on that. I know as a teacher, I always add in positive comments, no matter who the student is.
- If, like me, your child needs to improve, try to focus on one or two goals that you both agree is important and attainable.
- If it is an excellent report card, except for one small thing, forget about the one small thing. Its not a big deal. Really.
- There are two main reasons why kids don’t do well in school: either they can’t or they don’t care to. In either case, what they need most of all is to feel loved, cared for, and supported; the building blocks of confidence and authentic motivation.
When I sat down to write this post, I had intended on “decoding” the report card for you, but it occurred to me the report card you receive could look completely different than the one I am writing, and thus irrelevant. I thought about what would be the same and the only thing I came up with is that no matter what it looks like, it will require a reaction from you. And while she probably won’t remember whether she got an “A” or “C” in grade four math, she will remember how you made her feel about it. Which, in the long run, will have the greater impact on her life. At least it did for me.
Great suggestions Cayla…focus on the future because we cannot change the past. I also like Chantel’s points about looking for improvement over time. A ‘D’ may suck in some people’s opinions, but if it’s the first passing mark a child has received in a certain subject then it’s reason to celebrate!
Carla good info. And great advice it’s not always the child’s fault. And should not make them feel as if it is. We just have to come up with goals to achieve future sucess.
Wow, my daughter sounds exactly like you were. There is hope! 🙂
Great post!
Thanks for your insight. I try to find the positive in all my daughter does at school and also suggest for her to get involve with extra circular activities. For a child to be well rounded they at times need to see how the A student remains that way. I get a question from her homework, I simply say did you use your time wisely. Their is usually a long pause and well I could have…
Excellent post Carla! Thanks for the “other side”. I personally have never been one to go ape over marks and this is probably due to the fact that I have so many children with so many levels of strengths and weaknesses. I tend to look at whether or not they have shown improvement over time, as well as taking a good look at how they react to assignments and homeworks at home. Example is my son in grade 4 French Immersion – he has been avoiding his french homework, complaining he can’t do it and is pretty well miserable. At first I wasn’t sure if it was because he couldn’t do it or doesn’t want to do it. I am meeting with his teacher on Monday to discuss it. Am I freaking? No. Will I transfer him to English? Yes if that is where he is best suited.
Thanks again!
I happen to know that you turned out very ok, Cayla, not just pretty ok. I totally agree with everything you say. Marks are not always the best indicator of intelligence, achievement, or effort. My son last year plagiarized an entire essay (he was in Grade 6, so he didn’t realize…actually he did..). The teacher gave him an A+; however when he showed it to me, I said, ‘hey, there’s no way you wrote this.’ My daughter googled the first line, and up it came. When pressed why he did something like that, the answer was, ‘I just wanted a good mark.’ The question is, what’s more important-the marks or the learning? Our world is so wrapped up in grading, stacking, numerating and rating, that we’ve lost the purpose. Which is to learn. Thanks for pointing out that its the person not the number that matters.
Cayla, it is so great to hear a teacher say it is not only about the mark. I know it is important to work hard and provide some level of effort, but does the “mark” really matter. Up until this year I have never focused on the actual mark on the report cards. We go through the first page which is about learning and effort, and after that we remember “c” stands for celebrate!! However this year as my daughter has entered highschool, all of a sudden the actual mark seems to matter. Teachers are calling me with actual percentages. Some are good, some are bad, but it is not until I open up a dialogue with these teachers that I hear about the work ethic and effort, never mind the mark. This post is a great reminder that the mark may not really represent what is going on in the class and it is so important to get all the facts before you react, or as you calmly suggest, just keep loving instead!!!
thanks Cayla ..very informative and valuable information…I will definitely keep this in mind when looking at my kids report cards!
YES. We get so caught up in the here and now that we forget to consider things in the long term. School is important but being a top student is not the key to happiness!
Thanks Cayla for reminding me to pause before reacting to my daughter’s report card.
Awesome post Cayla. I think my report cards looked like yours did. I didn’t care about most of it. And now I’m a teacher. Irony.
Great post, Cayla. Perspective!