Ever since I became a teacher I’ve been thinking about how children behave. One theory is like Pavlo’s dog, that rewards and punishment drive our
behaviour.We learn in Teacher’s College
that classroom management is partially about a system of rewards and
punishment. Of course the first job of a
teacher is to make the lessons so interesting that everyone is so engaged all
of the time that there are not off-task or disruptive behaviours – good idea –
in theory.
in rewards in I think they
only work in the short term. With my students’ and with my own children.
be intrinsically motivated. The problem
is, then they would do mostly what they wanted to do. A lot of people think that shouldn’t /
couldn’t be the way things are.
happiest and most productive when we are intrinsically motivated.
human’s have the capacity to be empathetic and kind all of the time
I believe that children will
make the right decisions if that is what is modeled for them.
I believe that all of
children’s emotions should be validated, even when they seem silly or are
irritating to us. What do you think of
that Christie Blatchford? A whole
society of hugging pansies!
I believe that children will
want to learn if they are interested in the topic.I believe that children will want to learn
what they need to know if they are learning in fun and engaging ways.I don’t believe we need a common
curriculum.I don’t believe the school
system can do this for everyone. In
fact, I think the system serves only a few.
I’m not just making this
stuff up myself. There are plenty of
like-minded others out there. There is
also some research to support the idea avoiding punishments and rewards.
I wanted to add that I too struggle when my kids are bickering…any stragtegies? My boys are 9 and 7. Thanks!
Erin I am not sure how old your children are and I agree with your ‘ideal’…intrinsic motivation is the goal but even adults like rewards and need punishment to keep them in line. I think a combination of reasoning, reward, and punishment is best depending on the age and stage of the child. Being instrinsically motivated requires some understanding of self.
I think we all need to have a bag of tricks (skills) when parenting. There is a great book out there called “Win the Whining War & Other Skirmishes” that talks about identifying behaviours that you want to see increased/decreased/ and get rid of all together. I highly recommend this book to parents of all ages. It helps to understand this and then target those behaviours.
Best of luck to all in the struggles and joys of parenting!
Sorry for the delayed response, I was in Cuba for the past week. I wrote this before I left and scheduled it to post while I was gone.
Ircig has described time-ins very well. The timing of her comment is very funny because I was lying in bed last night composing a description in my head and she nailed it.
I think that most tantrums are caused by “big”emotions that children don’t know how to handle. If we hold them and help them to verbalize their thoughts then they learn how to deal with their emotions in a more productive way. This is a process that takes time.
I don’t reason with them during the tantrum. I wait until it is finished and then we discuss the situation.
When they were toddlers it was slightly different. I would redirect them a lot. Away from doing what I didn’t want them to do. Distractions worked the majority of the time. I would also hold them during tantrums and help them verbalize their feelings.
I also try to use playful parenting sometimes (as do many of you I’m sure). I try to make doing something like cleaning toys, or putting on coats into a game.
I do not do all this 100% of the time. I do lose my patience sometimes. I do resort to threats and rewards. And I do use natural or logical consequences.
The times that I find especially hard is when both of the girls need the holding and help with their emotions at the same time which is often the case when they are having a fight. I’m still working on how to deal with that.
I’m not sure what Erin may mean by “time in”, but in my best moments as a mom (which I certainly wasn’t always capable of!) we did something like this with my daughter when she was small – rather than separating her, sending her to her room, etc. for misbehaviour, we had “time in”: the undesirable activity was stopped, often physically stopped, and she had to sit with me, very close to me, on the sofa. (NOTE: She did not always want to do this, but that’s why God made parents bigger and stronger!)
I did my best to put words to her feelings: “You’re disappointed that …” “You’re frustrated that …” “You’re angry that …”. I validated the feelings: “It’s very upsetting when …”. Then we talked about acceptable ways to deal with those feelings: “You can tell me about it, it’s fine to cry, we can go outside so you can use an outside voice and scream, but you can’t throw things/hit people/break things …”
She wasn’t much of a one for temper tantrums (maybe because she was a very early talker and could say, “Mommy I F’USTRATED” at a pretty young age) but when she did have a tantrum, what worked was also kind of a “time in” – I would sit on the floor and hold her between my legs with her back to my front and my arms wrapped around her until she calmed down.
Worked well for us – she’s now a lovely teenager – but every child is different, and there’s no “one size fits all” manual for parenting, that’s for sure!
We also use time outs for the “biggies” Kathryn. Then reason with our eldest -he is four and responds well to logic and reasoning, especially when given a choice. Our two year old on the other hand seems to be the polar opposite. Reasoning and time outs just do not work. She has a one track mind and can go hours focusing on a task or behaviour we are trying to modify. Distraction doesn’t work either. Any suggestions would be welcomed 😉 I know these qualities will work well for her in the future but are presently very challenging for my husband and me.
The term “Time in” I believe means time we invest with the kids, talking, playing, teaching, reasoning… Could you pelase elaborate Erin? I enjoyed your post and am always looking for new ways to better help my children grow – Thanks
I’d also like to know what a Time-in means? My little guy is 2 and we use time-outs for biggies like hitting or touching the stove. I’m curious what you mean by time-in.
Great post, Erin. Always thinking about this, but I too am curious about what a “time in” is? Always looking for strategies that may help.
We used to use time-outs, followed by reasoning when she was calmer, to very limited success. She just did not care that much. We would also just ignore her when she was in a full-blown temper tantrum (there was nothing else you could do…reasoning with her escalated it), and then pay attention when she started asking or saying she needed a hug. We would then talk with her and make a deal to meet in the middle of the room for a hug, and then we would reason with her. (She would always start with demanding we go to her.)
I must confess we use a “brownie point” system now. It is the first thing that has really worked well for us and seems to have caused a light to go on with our daughter, who is thinking about good behavior now, and informed us that her New Year’s Resolution is “no more hissy fits.” 🙂 Though it is punishment and reward, we always use it with discussion and reasoning, and she usually has the chance to redeem herself when she has lost a point to avoid a punishment, which she is keen on. Rewards are set like goals that she can work towards with enough points, like the Muppet Movie, etc. (We do lots of fun things she does NOT have to earn, though.)
I hope to switch to reasoning more as she continues to think about this and grows older, and I now foresee a time this may be possible, now that she is calming down and her temper is less swift and fierce. Thanks for this post.
I totally respect your commitment to reasoning and not to punish or reward. I’ll be honest – I’m polar opposite though. I do think it depends on the kid and what they’re motivated by. Will is a competitive sort just like his mom….so he is driven by stickers…or anything that he can tangibly see as a ‘success’. He’s also extremely strong willed and reasoning doesn’t seem to work with him – but two minutes in his room or losing priveledges to watch a movie…welll three weeks later – he remembers.
Kath – I totally agree with the parent/child boundaries….SO important!
I love that pic of you guys Erin – you’re engulfed in plaid awesomeness.
Erin, what does “time in” mean? I’m not trying to challenge you, I just want to know. I have found with my own daughters that as they grow older and their behaviours become much more complex, the simple “rewards and consequences” approach works less and less well. But then again, they are more and more able to understand and respond to reason. I’ve also found that boundaries in the parent-child relationship become even more important, and I try to model to my girls that I am their mother, not their friend. Which of course doesn’t mean I can’t be a loving, trustworthy confidant, but rather that there is definition to our roles within the relationship, and lines that can’t be crossed.