Q: Hi Holly. I have a question for you. I have a beautiful little boy who will be 5 in September. He will be attending S/K and I am concerned about him fitting in. The problem is he is, well, a very big boy, not fat, just tall, and stocky like his dad. Presently he is around 70 lbs and a good 4 foot 3 inches. He is heads and weights over any of the kids that were in class with him in J/K, and the other kids picked on him a bit, which made him very aggressive towards them. I am concerned that the teasing will start all over again. Any ideas on how I can help him with his self-esteem, as well as show the others he can fit in physically? His size tends to slow him down a bit as he is a bit uncoordinated. Thanks.
A: It’s funny but something in your letter rang a familiar bell in my head. It’s something I’ve heard myself and other mothers say, "he is a very big boy, NOT fat…just stocky like his dad". I have said that phrase myself over and over. I’m guilty. I was completely blind to the fact that my son, Matthew, was overweight! Someone had to tell me. He knew, I just didn’t see it.
My first point is this: love is blind. Often times, when mothers say their kids are not fat, they just don’t see it. If you haven’t taken your son to a doctor to get an honest opinion, you should. If he is overweight, something can be done about it. If not, you can deal with the other issue directly.
My next point is that you should go into the school and speak to his teachers about his insecurities so that they are aware – all of his teachers, including the physical education teacher and principal or guidance counselor. They should have zero tolerance on any teasing or disrespect of others. All kids are different, and all should be respected. Be firm and be serious.
Larger children do tend to have issues with their gross motor skills…is he active? Is he running, jumping, playing outside, or is he more apt to be sedentary? Physiotherapists can give your son exercise routines to help fine tune his gross motor skills so that he learns to adapt to his changing body. Your son is not alone in that respect. We have children in the gym that fit the same description, even if they are not overweight.
Is he interested in a sport or activity so that he has a group of friends outside of school? I often tell parents that their kids should be involved with a musical instrument as well as a sport for a well-rounded child. Find out what he would like to do over the fall and winter. Perhaps he would be a great swimmer — he could take lessons and eventually join a junior swim team. Swimmers tend to be larger individuals and his body type would be great in the water.
Finally, talk to him about his body. Find role models that he can look up to…football players, actors, singers…there are many positive role models that he can relate to. Develop a "script" that he can use when someone teases him, like "I want to be tall…all the best football players were my size when they were 5, and I want to be a football player"…something like that…something that he can practice and use. It will work.
Violence and aggressive behaviour will compound the issue, and he will become more of an enticing target for kids. Kids, once they know that he loves the way he looks, will start to look up to the "big" guy for guidance and support not far in the future. If aggressive behaviour becomes an issue, I recommend that the family finds a counselor, whether it is a school counselor or a child therapist. You don’t want to start his school life with an issue that is out of control.
I hope this helps. Remember, find out if he really is indeed just a "stocky" boy first. First things first: if he is overweight, you can do so many things to help him lose weight and create long-term, healthy habits. If he is not, you can help him feel good about his body which should help him gain the respect of his peers.
Over and out from the Doghouse,
Holly
Holly is urbanmoms.ca’s Kids Fitness Expert. Check out our post on Holly’s gym, Bulldog Interactive Fitness, in the Cool Products and Stuff section. Along with running Bulldog, speaking to kids about nutrition, and being a mom, Holly will post regularly in the Urban Parents section of urbanmoms.ca. Please email Holly if you have questions or suggestions for future topics.
I would recommend a martial art… my kids (7yr son, 5yr daughter) are in kickboxing. (me too) It’s a great way to get active, and although they are learning a self defense skill, they are also learning NOT to use it except in dire situations… to respect themselves and others.
I’ve seen a marked increase in my kids self confidence as well as a growing understanding of what their bodies can do AND they are becoming less agressive physically to other children. This might sound like this is backwards since they are actually learning “how” to hit and kick, but they are also learning why NOT to. And as their self confidence grows they don’t feel as threatened in tough situations in their peer groups.