I learned a lot in 2005 and plan to put it to good use in 2006. After the death of my cousin, another young mom, I was hit smack in the face with the idea of my own mortality. I spent most of 2005 fighting an ever present urge to flee – not my family, but the life I had built around things that no longer mattered. I had created a life filled with superficial successes. I was on my way to a very successful career, I had a home in a sought after neighbourhood, a great husband and two great kids. The problem was when I asked myself how I would feel about what I had accomplished if I were the one diagnosed with a terminal illness, I was petrified at what faced me. I did not like what I saw. I was run down, hardly saw my kids, and placed way too much value on "stuff".
My resolution this year is to take all of these lessons and live my life. Not the life I see in magazines or at fancy restaurants but the one I want. I am still figuring out what that means but I am a lot closer than I was this time last year. And really, trying to "figure it out" was part of the problem. I left no wiggle room. I set out goals for myself and created a vision of what my life would look like and then did everything I could to make it happen. The trouble is, I boxed myself in. I didn’t take into account the fact that, not only would my circumstances change but, I would change too.
I am not the same person I was at 21 when the high-powered career and blissful family seemed a cinch. I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why, when I was right "on track" and getting everything I had asked for, I still felt unfulfilled. It took a tragedy, some soul searching, and a huge leap of faith to get myself back on track – not the original one but a new track that suited me even more.
I hope that now I will be more flexible and see that life can’t be planned and expectations set years in advance. I resolve to cut myself some slack this year and to live life to the fullest. To take care of myself and my family and not get caught up in other’s expectations. To establish what is important to me and not get influenced by someone else’s idea of success or happiness – the car, the brand, the designer, the vacation, etc. Not to say I won’t enjoy my indulgences (my daily trip to Starbucks!) but it will be because I love them. I resolve that every year I will be true to myself, whatever that might mean.
Welcome 2006!
Jen
Thanks for sharing. I am also following an bit of an alternative track – in hopes of greater fulfillment than a day-job career was providing. It is nice to know we are not alone!
So true – and know what else we can resolve to do? Write a will, and even a living will (after seeing what Terri Shiavo’s family went through). It couldn’t hurt…
Jen…you are very lucky to have seen “the light” this early in your family life. Too many people figure this out too late in life – too late to change behaviours, attitudes, and time spent with your family. When reaching the Pearly Gates, no one ever said “I wish I had spent more time at the office”. I wish you all the best for this huge leap in 2006 and thank you for sharing this story in hopes that many others will also take a leap!