I have a secret to share with you all. It is one that I was extremely ashamed of for quite a long time.
My baby is formula fed.
There- it’s out there. He has been since he was about 1 week old. Let me give you a bit of the back story before I tell you why I have spent the past 7 months being so embarrassed about formula feeding.
After having the Boy, I was determined to breast feed. I had read books, taken a course, “prepared” myself. On the advice of a well-meaning friend, I did not have formula in the house or any bottles ready so that I would not be “tempted” into bottle feeding if nursing was uncomfortable.
I was ready for the pain but what I was not ready for was the fact that I did not have enough milk for my baby. The Boy spent the first week of his life screaming and crying and feeding constantly. I assumed this was totally normal- I didn’t know any better. But when we took him for his first appointment, and found out that he had lost an entire pound, I was told that I HAD to put him on formula immediately to help him gain the weight back.
He took to the bottle right away. I continued to try to nurse him, but my milk never came in properly. I pumped, nursed, formula fed, pumped, nursed, formula fed…but after three weeks I was bleeding, unbelievably sore, and beyond frustrated.
From that day on, the Boy was a formula fed baby. And I felt so much shame.
Where did that shame come from? Well, there are a few reasons:
- Breastfeeding campaigns– everywhere you look (when you have had a baby) there are signs, flyers, posters, pamphlets proclaiming how “Breast Is Best”. And I do believe that. But after being a failure at nursing, that slogan made me feel even worse. I felt like it was pointing at me saying: you are not bothering to do the best for your child!
- Other mothers– these were few and far between, but I can remember quite a few well-meaning mothers telling me that breastfeeding was hard but that I should NEVER give up and I could be hurting my baby if I do. And even though they weren’t, I felt like every mother that was able to nurse was also pointing their finger at me.
- Myself– I’m hard on myself. I expect to be the best at everything I do. When I couldn’t nurse the Boy, I really felt like I was a huge failure as a mother and a provider for my child.
For months, I refrained from feeding the Boy in public because I was so ashamed that he was formula fed. I got over it eventually. I knew, logically, that I was formula feeding my child because I had to. I physically was unable to produce enough to sustain the Boy.
All that being said, I believe in breastfeeding. I wish so much that I could have nursed him for at least a couple of months. What bothers me, though, is that there is such a huge social stigma attached to mothers who cannot, or chose to not, nurse. Speaking with other mothers who formula feed, I know that I am not alone in feeling “judged” (for lack of a better word) for using formula. As the Boy has gotten older, I have realized that it
is so much more important to do what works for you and your child and
not worry about what others think…but I do wonder what your experiences with nursing and/or formula feeding were like and if you, too, have felt any judgment for your choices?
Sarah, reading your blog, I experienced some deja vu. I was similarly challenged in feeding my son when he was born. I tried and tried, lactation consultants, classes, herbs, you name it. i just didn’t have enough milk, and he lost weight. i cried, tormented myself, didn’t go out. finally, my dad sat me down and said, “i’m worried about you. it’s much more important to enjoy this time and be healthy (mentally) than to breastfeed. Give him a bottle and move on.” I did, and everything was fine. Subsequently, I was able to breastfeed my two daughters who came after, and it all worked out. don’t feel bad – so many moms go through the same thing and it doesn’t mean it will happen next time.
Thank you for sharing your story. I am a mom to 2 daughters; a 3 year old and now a 5 week old infant. I was able to nurse my first daughter, but with my second daughter my milk never came in. I know sounds crazy, I even seem to stump the lactation consultants. I’ve had all sorts of blood work done, went to receive a second opinion from another OB (in order to receive a prescription for Reglan) and because my prolactin levels were so low last Monday I went for an MRI to see if there was a growth of some sort on my pituatary gland that would have inhibited my breast milk production.
I nursed in the hospital, roomed in with my baby, but she kept losing weight. So then I started to pump, and supplemented with nursing and a formula syringe, because she was losing weight so rapidly. I kept nursing/pumping and nothing, not one drop. Because my daughter had become so weak her suck had deteriorated and we now have her using a haberman bottle which has improved her suck. I have beat myself up about this night and day, and am still trying to come to grips with this. I’m embarrassed to go to the store with my infant and buy formula and receive looks from people thinking “oh, you should be nursing when they are this young”. But people just don’t get it, I would give anything to be able to have my body produce milk for my daughter, having the opportunity to nurse my first daughter I know the special bond, breast milk benefits etc. But for whatever reason, it was not meant to be the second time around.
With all this being said, I want to thank you for writing this post. I should not feel like a bad mom for feeding my infant formula. My pediatrician said the exact same thing yours did for reassuring this decision. I’m glad to know that I’m not the only one who has done this. I want people to know that you should not judge other people without knowing their story first.
i bf’d both girls until 1 1/2 years and am glad i did it. that being said, i had support. i had midwives to get me going and i had la leche league to keep me going.
there’s all these posters out there saying “breast is best” but the resources to help people like you who had trouble are drying up faster than your milk supply. you cannot be blamed for giving it your all when no one is helping you. those people who berated you for bottle feeding probably didn’t even think about pulling up their shirts to show you how to properly latch. i know that i learned more from ‘on the job training’ than i did in any lecture in my old life and that was true for breast feeding.
you’re not going to win no matter how you feed your child. “why don’t you go to the bathroom to do THAT”…”she’s drinking FORMULA???”….”isn’t she a little OLD (at 9 months) for THAT?”….”you’re using PLASTIC bottles?”….”you should give her cereal now (at 3 months) she’ll sleep through the night”….”you aren’t using ORGANIC formula???”….and on and on…..MYOB!!!!
i will certainly try to help people i know breastfeed cuz i do believe it is the best thing and support is so limited but i also know that people will do what they want in the end.
Hi Sarah,
I too had exactly the same experience as you. With my first child, I was determined to breastfeed and was shocked to find out that he had lost too much weight and I would have to supplement him with formula. I remember thinking…they never said that I might not have any milk in any of the prenatal classes! I was not prepared at all to bottle feed, let alone deal with the guilt I felt over formula feeding him. I am just about to have my third child and I am taking the same attitude that I took with my second child….I’m going to try again with the breastfeeding, but if the milk isn’t there, I will supplement my breastmilk with formula. I’m NOT going to feel guilty, or let others make me feel guilty.
Good for you for writing this post – and don’t be ashamed to have a bottle-fed baby.
My children are healthy and happy. I’ll save my “mother-guilt” for the teen years!
I had the exact same situation with my first and second child. Neither of them were getting enough milk and dropped weight quickly. I had to formula feed them both just to make sure they were receiving enough milk. The worst time for me was actually in the hospital. I had a C-section, so had to stay in the hospital a little longer than normal, and the whole time I was there the nurses made me feel ashamed and completely stupid for having so much trouble. “Oh, you must not be doing it right”, “Every mother can breastfeed – you just aren’t getting it yet” or “keep going and going and going, and don’t worry about the baby crying…” After weeks of struggling, pumping, trying and not succeeding, I realized that formula feeding was working out just fine. So what – this is the route I had to take – it worked for my children…. My son is now a bright and brilliant 8 year old, so I must have done something right!
Love that last line- “Love bonds you, not boobs”. It’s so true.
My son was 4 weeks early so he had a hard time latching. It took a month of pumping but he finally learned. I was diagnosed with “raynuads” about 3 months in, which to my understanding was arthritis of the nipple. Basically sharp shooting pains that made me almost pass out every time he would latch. That went away at about 5 months. My son was on demand feed in his early months so every 2 hours. Then I didn’t know how to stop so when he cried or peeped I put him on. I nursed until he was almost 15 months I believe. He is 3 and a half now and just had his first cold. His immune system is incredible, he has been tested by a development center and his skills range from 4-7. Meaning his logic, skills, language and demeanor is 6months to 3 years about average. Was it the breast milk? I have no idea why exactly he is as brilliant as he is, he gets supplements, fish oils, no refined sugar and no immunizations. I feel for everyone who gets judged for what they deem best for their child. I give only my opinion when asked but I have received a great deal of judgment for the choices I (we) have made for our son. But he is our son, he was giving to us to get the parenting from us. If he wanted different I believe he would be with a different family. I miss breast feeding because of the bounding but my husband misses holding our son when he would give him a bottle. Love bonds you, not boobs 🙂
I am also formula feeding my son, and I too feel the judgement. In fact I was very recently in a situation where I was grilled quite publicly, loudly, and in a not-so-supportive manner about why on earth I would choose to deprive my child of breast feeding in this day and age – by a virtual stranger, in front of about 10 other virtual strangers. I felt horribly attacked, not fun stuff, honestly I’m surprised I didn’t start to cry. It still smarts.
My daughter was formula-fed, and survived her infancy beautifully. I enjoy the quiet time my son and I have over a bottle, and I have never had any bonding issues with him, we were inseperable the moment he was born and that has never changed. The minute his Mommy walks into the room he squeels in panic because he isn’t touching me IMMEDIATELY. Sounds like bonding to me. And he has always been super healthy, the best way I can describe him is “sturdy”.
I agree that breastfeeding is very beneficial, but it’s just not fair the way women are too often treated when they choose a different path. We all have our own reasons for the choices we make, and in this case the reasons should stay private – between partners in raising a child and their physician. It can be very isolating to be judged like this, and it is about the last thing that new Moms need, first-timers or not.
I feel fortunate I can breastfeed my little guy. But, wouldn’t you know it, I had people frown at me because I was breast and not bottle feeding. I think what happens is that women feel whatever they did was the best thing…and it was for their child(ren)…but they forget that the best for another child is exactly what their mom and dad decide/are able to do. All that matters is that your little one is healthy, happy and thriving.
Formula mom here. Try giving your child SOY formula and people telling you your child will end up gay. (in addition to having no immunity, become less smart and not bond with you) Where does this stuff come from?
I agree, instead of judging we just need to support one another. Being a mom throws you into a very competitive and opinionated community.
Sarah, this is such a good topic. I wrote a post not too long ago about this kind of mother-judgment. It’s mind-boggling how much we do it. http://www.urbanmoms.ca/losing_it/2009/01/judge-this.html
There are lots of reasons people formula feed, and none of us can presume to judge another person’s decisions. If we go down that road where do we stop? I think it’s high time we women started giving each other unconditional support instead of opinions and commentary.
That being said, if/when you do have another baby, if you still want to breastfeed, I encourage you to try. I too had low supply with my first baby, and I supplemented her breastfeedings with formula. With my second, I was able to feed her exclusively on breastmilk. You may also want to research the drug motilium and ask your doctor about it. It’s a very safe antiemetic (they give it to babies with reflux) but one of its side-effects is that it can increase lactation in women, so it’s often used “off-label” to help increase a woman’s milk supply.