You’d think that by my third kid, I’d have a few things figured out.
Ha! Nope, still floundering in the Sea of Unknowns and my biggest waves, the kind that keep knocking me over and dragging me down, come from the almighty issue of sleep.
Brinley is six months old and nowhere near sleeping through the night. The things I did in the early days and weeks of her life as a means of survival have now become bad habits that are going to be mighty hard to break. Here’s what we’re dealing with:
She only really falls asleep by drinking her bottle.
She doesn’t like to sleep in her crib.
She prefers to sleep next to me.
She doesn’t have a set bedtime and usually just kind of hangs out with me and Steve until late in the evening (say, 10:00 pm).
She wants something in her mouth at night, but won’t really take a pacifier, so she squawks for little sips of milk here and there all night long.
She’s not on any kind of schedule during the day since we are out and about, running to and from the older kids’ activities.
She has most of her naps in her car seat since she falls asleep while driving to and from said activities and I don’t dare wake her from her sacred slumber.
Basically, we’re screwed. All the things you’re not supposed to do (f you want your baby to sleep well) we are totally doing.
I don’t know what our next steps ought to be. I really need some sleep, and Brinley needs to learn how to soothe herself back to sleep, but when is the best time to do that? And how? Did you rely on any trusted books or advice that helped you teach your child to sleep? I’m dyin’ here!
I agree with the tough love. My sister (mother of FIVE) helped me sleep train my firstborn. She cried for 45 minutes when I put her in bed the first night, the next night 20, after that, not a peep. I suspect that you know what has to be done in your heart and you’ll do it when you’re ready!
Also, make sure hubby is down with the plan 🙂
I kind of like Supernanny’s approach – here is a link about controlled crying: http://www.supernanny.co.uk/Advice/-/Health-and-Development/-/0-to-4-years/Sleep-problems-~-when-controlled-crying-doesn't-work.aspx
Good luck and more sleep is coming!
Giver her tough love, momma! Let her cry… it won’t hurt her. I think it won’t damage her emotionally. Tie yourself to the bed at night and promise yourself you WON’T go in there. I dunno… it’s my “go to” method. But, what do I really know? Olivia still sometimes crawls in with us at night. But, it’s different than a baby. GOOD LUCK! Sending sleepy vibes your way. There will come a day when you have to shake them awake for school in the morning. True story.
I watched a few of the baby whisperer shows and really like what she has to say. If sleep is really important to you then taking steps, although painful at first (meaning you will get less sleep), will , in the end be so worth it. Just my opinion, but babies don’t need to eat in the night by 6 months especially if they are a healthy weight. Having a bottle with milk during the night is so hard on their developing teeth. Offering water may make her not really want it, or transition to half milk half water (gross I know). Kids all do eventually sleep through the night, it is just a matter of how long you want to wait to make that happen. Good Luck!
Secrets of the Baby Whisperer by Tracy Hogg – This worked for us and was recommended by someone who swore by it. At the end of the day, go with your gut. You know what you’re doing, even if you can barely keep your eyes open 🙂 Best of luck.
My feeling always was that the first several months, you do what you have to to get sleep by any means necessary, and hammer that stuff out later by slow changes. If you read the books, you find there are experts on either side of any question anyhow, so it comes down to what feels right even if you are going to pick a method!
So yes, ours also started out falling asleep on the bottle, which got changed to half a sippy, and we moved to leaving a sippy of water in bed throughout the night – when they’re older.
Mine also slept with me for the first 6 months each, and then moved into cribs, where if they need comfort, I will go sleep there so I can leave once sleep has been achieved (at least for one of us).
I also danced our first to sleep every night for a long time – she was NOT a good sleeper for a very long time, but now she’s a champ. They’ll get there!
I agree with Jen on the books…but then again, I just asked my friends who had read all the books…:) I Ferber’ized (?) Will. I had to for survival. Lack of sleep sucked me back into PPD and I had to do it. He was a crap ass sleeper until 9 months and now he is the king (knocking wood – knocking wood).
I also agree with everyone – she is BEAUTIFUL. It must be such a challenge with other kids though and schedules…I continue to bow to you!
Ack. It IS such an individual thing… but I think to some degree people just expect babies not to sleep very well, so all those “bad habit” kind of things get more and more deeply embedded. I dunno if it was luck or just the way my kids were, but I expected them to sleep at night, and I wouldn’t accept much less than that – even though it was HELL during some of those rough patches – and those would take about 2 nights to get past.
I liked Gina Ford’s books, but she’s British and sounds a wee bit like a Nazi (compared to Ferber and others with a “softer” approach) but I liked the reasoning in her schedules – they worked for me. Mostly, I just didn’t want to fool around with the sleep parts – I didn’t want to be a howling zombie. (Also, for many of the reasons you described before, our youngest slept in our bed waaaaaay more often than our first ever did – sometimes you just need the sleep. I get it.)
Like everything else though, when something isn’t working, you find a new way. You’ll figure it out… in the meantime, I know it sucks. Hang in there, lady!! You’ve got such a little cutie, holy crap… 😉
BTW. She’s gorgeous!
I agree with Jen that all babies are different and I have a hard time with the idea that one strategy will work for every baby. I found Ask Moxie very helpful when we had sleep issues. She has some good info about how some babies cry to release tension and some work up tension crying. With the former, they will cry for a little bit and then fall asleep, for the latter, they will cry until they vomit and then shut down emotionally. Here is the link to that post. She has all sorts of great info about developmental stages and sleep patterns also.
http://www.askmoxie.org/2006/06/babies_and_cio.html
As for what we did, whatever it took to get all of us the most sleep, and that was/is co-sleeping.
I’m with you on the bad sleeping babe. My son is 5 months old and a terror when it comes to sleeping. He is now on a “schedule”, but it means we don’t leave the house very often between his naps and my 2 year old daughter’s nap. He wakes every 2 hours to nurse and if I don’t deal with him pronto, his cries become enraged screams! I know I should do some serious sleep training, but it’s easier to give in and go back to sleep! From what I’ve read/heard, bed at 7ish, dream feed at 11 and no more feeding until minimum 6:30am. You can shush, put in soother (though some don’t recommend any soother), but DON’T pick baby up. A cross between cry it out method and no-cry method. Easier said then done though. Coffee too is my best friend 🙂 And I wish Starbucks delivered!
Adora (our first) began sleeping through the night at three months of age.
We did what most people don’t like to do these days. We let her cry it out. A bunch of old aunties who are relatives of my friend and all very family oriented nurturing ladies told us that if we let her cry it out she would sleep through the night. It worked for all of them with all their many children. They told it it would take three night tops.
The first night was HELL. Not going in there to pick her up nearly drove us insane. We almost gave up.
The second night she slept through the night.
Serious.
This is the absolute bible on infant sleeping (and it deals with past the infant stage too). I cannot emphasize just how good it is.
Just buy it.
I used Babywise with Liliana and it worked like a charm. It starts in the newborn stage, but it says what to do if you’re starting with an older baby.
Whatever you end up doing, I hope it means more sleep for you!
I always hate giving advice, because every kid is so so different and the parents usually just get lucky, you know?, it’s not like we REALLY knew what we were doing, but have you tried a few different kinds of pacifiers? Kyle wouldn’t take one kind but he looooooved another and that sure did help. We also put him down awake with a crib music machine (some cheap-o Fisher Price thing), and he loved watching the lights on that thing.
We also would go in and pat him or soothe him or rub his little head but we wouldn’t pick him up. That meant a few straight nights of no sleeping and that was hard, but it worked pretty well in the end.
I also embraced caffeine like no one’s business.
Oh, I’d love to say I know how to handle this one…. Sorry. I have heard good things about Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child. We cried it out a lot with our baby girl. That being said she was 1 1/2 before she slept through the night consistently. She would be up some nights and sleep others. Now she sleeps pretty consistently (except Tuesday night…up from 10:30-2 wanting to play. What’s up with that?
Anyway, I’m sure getting her on a schedule and breaking the nighttime habits would help, but it will be tough. I couldn’t handle the crying it out, so I would go downstairs, turn on the tv pretty loud and let my darling man deal with it.
I hope something works for you! I’m praying the little guy we’re due to have in June sleeps like a dream… we’ll see. 🙂
Abby didn’t sleep through the night until she was one year and two weeks old. I can still remember the day. It was glorious! I used to sleep beside her and nurse her throughout the night because that was the only way we were n oth getting any sleep. I know it wasn’t the “right” thing to do but I could care less. We both slept. Finally she caught on to the concept of sleeping without me. I have never felt so good as I did those first few weeks of uninterrupted sleep.
I’ve heard of a lot of babies where once something really simple was figured out the slept great, sometimes it can be a temperature thing or light or noise or something. Isabelle liked to be cool, sleep on her tummy and have things dark and quiet if she was going to sleep in her bed. The boys so far don’t seem to care but I kind of think that is because they have each other.
She might not be a great sleeper – but she sure is stinkin’ cute!
Ah, yes, the ever evasive sleep! I really, REALLY have a problem with sleep “experts”. With my first child we did EVERYTHING by the book. He was on a schedule (that he never followed), he had a set bedtime (that he never followed), we had a routine at bedtime, he had set nap times (when he never slept), we forced him to sleep in a crib (although he wanted us)…you get the drift. The kid never slept. I read every book, went to parenting seminars, talked to every friend. All I got out of it was that I was a bad mother and it was my fault.
Enter my second child who had no schedule (thanks to her big brother), who would take catnaps as needed, who slept pretty well from 3-4mths onward despite the total lack of routine.
Even to this day my older one struggles with sleep and my younger one sleeps like a dream.
My point is, they are individuals! Some kids sleep better than others and it has absolutely nothing to do with you. I say, if it works – do it. She will get more from having her needs and wants met and feeling secure than from the battle you will face if you mess with it. In time (how much, who knows) she will figure it out. I love when my nearly 12 y/o struggles with sleep (sometimes) because he comes in and cuddles with me…a very rare occasion these days!
I loved Good Night Sleep Tight by Kim West (the Sleep Lady). Lots of good tips that were in line with my approach to parenting.
Best of luck! Wishing you a full night of zzzzs very soon!
While I believe you should do everything on demand for a newborn up until around 4 months, by 6 months I think that you start doing a diservice to your child by not allowing them to learn to sleep properly. The book Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Dr Marc Weissbluth saved my sanity back in 1998. I recently saw it on the shelf at Chapters, so it’s obviously been tried and tested throughout the years. Yes, it does the dreaded ‘crying it out method’, but it also told me how important sleep is for babies, and how the bad sleep habits I’d given my daughter were causing her a lot of distress. The 2 nights it took to teach her to sleep sucked, but she became a different baby after that, once she finally got the uninterupted sleep she needed. Good luck!