Mother-in-law visiting. Unexpectedly. Inconveniently. So, blogosphere, don’t expect too much from me for the next couple of days.
I love my MIL. I do. But it definitely tends more to that oh-thank-you-for-birthing-the-love-of-my-life kinda love than it does to any kind of easygoing pleasurable love. The relationship tends to involve more tension than I’d like. Not because there’s anything wrong with her – it’s really just run-of-the-mill in-law tension, of the sort that has inspired a thousand sitcoms.
But what the hell is up with that? Why is it that so many daughters and mothers-in-law have such a difficult time of it? Why is it that within months of my husband and I getting married, my easygoing, latter-day boho MIL turned into an Evil Stereotype? And why is it that everyone just nods their heads knowingly when I tell them that? Is there some cosmic rule that states that every mother of any man that any woman falls in love with and marries must ever after resent/dislike/doubt that woman?
My MIL is a good woman. She means well. She wants, expects, the best for her boy. But what I don’t understand is, why she perceives me – or acts like she perceives me – to be getting in the way of what is best for her boy.
I’m the best thing that ever happened to that boy, and I think that she knows that. So why the trip?
Guesses, anyone? Anyone?
(Yes. I KNOW. I did not cruise the blogosphere today looking for other current posts on Canadian MILs and so I don’t have any tips on where to look for horror stories [or, I suppose, love stories. Does anyone have any of these?] I didn’t do this, because I am too distracted by the fact that I only have these few remaining hours on my beloved computer before she arrives to judge me.
So, um? Maybe, if you know of some such posts, you could leave the links here for me? To go look at later, after my brain has exploded and regenerated itself in a fit of mad? Thanks.)
Yikes! I think I’m the only woman alive who wishes she were in a more Everybody-Loves-Raymond scenario. Neither my in-laws nor my own family visit more than once a year. I would totally put up with some meddling to get some child care. Of course my MIL is frail, old, and infirm, but she is sometimes useful because, as a former nurse, she’s faster than a trip to the urgent care clinic. Of course, as a nurse in the Olden Days (last practiced? 1960s) she is appalled by our co-sleeping, and thinks I gained a totally out of control amount of weight while pregnant. However, like Kath, I removed my MIL’s son from near-permanent residence in their basement, cleaned him up, and cheered him on a switch from blue- to white-collar work, a new car, a real mortgage, and a functioning family. She’s impressed. But she still thinks I have no willpower or backbone, owing to the co-sleeping and the weight gain … never mind that I’m back down to a size four, and Miss Baby’s now in her own crib. Yeesh. Oh. My inlaws are teetotalling former missionaries and religious zealots, whereas I direct all my zealotry toward the red wine section of the LCBO and am a recovering catholic. We all studiously ignore these realities, and it makes the yearly visit more peaceful than it might otherwise be 😉
Get your rotten tomatoes ready…but I have a wonderful MIL! *sorry* (ducking!)
See, I have the trump card: I rescued her son from himself (and her from having him still live with her at 28 years of age). She thinks I am an angel come to life and it’s my policy not to disabuse her of that notion, lol.
Not that she hasn’t done things that bothered me before (like telling me to squeeze my baby’s tummy so she wouldn’t feel hungry because I was breastfeeding her too much…wha?) but for the most part, we get along very well.
Now, as for my FATHER-in-law…that’s a different story. Ahem. ’nuff said.
I’m going to plead the fifth here. Whenever I so much as mention my inlaws on my blog, I get in trouble….
You and I have talked in person about this and I also marvel at the change once husband and I married. It was like a switch flipped and someone had handed her a manual on how to drive daughter-in-laws insane. She was so cool before I “took” her son away. Now everything is a battle, especially since I am the mother of her one and only grandchild. I think I need to vent in the basement about this because my blog is not safe and if it wasn’t for my own mother coaching and comforting me, I’d probably have done something I regretted long ago. Actually my mother has witnessed many of the incidents so at least it’s not in my head – that in a strange way, is comforting. On the positive side, I’ve trained her not to take liberties with me and she now asks before inviting her friends over to my place to hang out with Bumper. Nothing says I respect your schedule and space, like showing up on the doorstep with friends in tow, expecting to be entertained and welcome. OK – now I’m bitchin’ and I’m gonna stop it right there. Long of short: you are not alone.
As the mom of a bunch of boys and the aunt of many more nephews than nieces, I find this seemingly universal MIL phenomenon daunting. Because I can hardly wait to have daughters-in-law! Sadly, I fear my enthusiasm for female companionship may already be scaring off the teenage girls. So thanks BubandPie – I guess I’ll just have to make sure I mind my own business. And call ahead.
Haha the dreaded MIL
I had a showdown with mine before the wedding. She had told someone they were invited and since she had already invited most of the planet I put my foot down. She yelled and screamed and I ignored her and told my husband to deal with it.
I always think of this as the event in which I showed that I am the bigger bitch. Not flattering but my life has been extremely peaceful for the last seven years so I can’t help but feel it was worth it to settle that issue.
I hope you survive the weekend!
I have MIL horror stories, yes plural. But I don’t talk about them on my blog. When I talk about her in real life, peeople start doing the nodding thing but then it dies off as they realize they really don’t hold a candle to the MIL bs prize. My MIL is crazy; undiagnosed, because she refuses to talk to anyone despite our best efforts to get her help, but crazy nonetheless. Luckily, it has not become something my huz and i fight about… he’s an only child, the only family of hers in this country so it’s rather a lot of pressure for him, so I try to support him, and he understands how much she pushes my buttons and tries to support me. Most people who meet her don’t catch on that she’s crazy, they just think she’s rude, but she’s actually nuts. She talks about her dead boyfriend coming back to life and marrying her, and people playing games, and the politics that keep her from getting a job despite her PhD. I don’t write about her on my blog because I’m not very anonymous and I don’t think her family in SA have any idea, and I don’t think she would want them to.
Oh yah…I totally know what you’re talking about. My husband loves me and chose to spend the rest of his life with me but, truth is, I don’t think I would have been close to the top of her list. We get along. We love each other in the same way you describe but I know she judges me and sometimes harshly. I am no domestic goddess – I hate cooking, cleaning – and I certainly don’t serve my husband. I work crazy hours and always have. I am very involved with my family and being a mom is a priority. I consider my husband my best friend not some additional burden I have to deal with (at least not most of the time!). I think in some ways she is threatened by this. Her main purpose was and is “serving” her husband. He calls the shots, she does as she is told. I can’t relate to her. She can’t relate to me. She expects my husband, her son, to have the same treatment. What she doesn’t understand is that, not only is there no way in hell but, her son wouldn’t want it anyway (most days!).
Prime example: 3 weeks post-partum from my first. We are up at their cottage. I am DYING – no sleep, life upside down, still wearing maternity clothes – you get the pic. The crying wonder (aka my son) finally falls asleep on my chest while we’re sitting on the couch. I begin to close my eyes with my hubby snoozing at my feet. My MIL comes in and says “My goodness! He’s going to catch cold! You should put a blanket on him.” and promptly shakes out a big blanket and lays it across my HUSBAND!!!!!!!! Tears. Streaming. That’s all I can say. My husband actually had to take my MIL out of the room and tell her to back off before I threw something at her!
I know she means well but her son is ALWAYS #1. No exceptions.
hi my mother-in-law is a very nice person.but my husband and i fight every time we visit them.not speaking the same language does not help.so its good that we only go every couple of years,as a matter of fact the last time he went i stayed home with the two little girls and he and big kids went.
My relationship with my MIL is basically free of tension, primarily because she takes the task of minding her own business very seriously.
Which does not always prevent her from arriving at my house at an, um, inconvenient moment (if you recall my post on the subject: http://bubandpie.blogspot.com/2006/06/bloggers-block.html).
She’s been very careful to call ahead lately when they plan to stop by.