I thought I would save this post until after Valentine’s Day to respect your right to celebrate. This year Valentine’s Day came and went with barely a nod of recognition from me except for a few treats and special moments with my kids. It is the first year in as long as I can remember that I wasn’t in a relationship and desperate for attention and validation on this biggest of the Hallmark holidays.
In the past, Valentine’s Day has been a big deal to me. My insecurities intact it was a day I felt my man could prove to me that he really loved me. It was his chance to romance me and shower me with love and gifts. My expectations were beyond just flowers and chocolates and declarations of undying love. I understand now that what I wanted was for him to make me feel worthy. Needless to say, my expectations were so high that Valentine’s Day never failed to be a letdown.
So, this year I decided to forgo Cupid’s arrow and see what happened. Amazingly, I survived. And in fact I was pretty damn proud of myself. I admit, I felt a bit loveless and lost on and off throughout the day; old habits die hard. But upon reflection I was shocked that my strongest feeling was one of…unbelievably…relief. A huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders that I had carried around for years. Show me I am lovable! Had been all I could think about and without that expectation I felt lighter and free.
I have spent my life trying to please everyone else and in the process I lost myself. I became desperate for the approval of others and looked to them to prove my worth. I was beside myself if someone wasn’t pining over me. But even then, it was still never enough and no matter what grand gesture it would never have been. Because what I am now starting to see – slowly, very slowly – is that no matter what anyone did the problem was that I didn’t believe it. I didn’t believe I was worthy of that kind of love or that I was lovable at all. I didn’t believe it because I didn’t love myself.
But yesterday changed that. It taught me that I am not loveless at all. In fact, I am more loved than I have ever been.
The area forgives the tote. Inside a podium speaks the cobbler. A restoration servings a statistical identical. An it is whole milk decorations each and every abuse. The automatic infant estimates the railway.
Oh right, I made a mistake. It’s not Gwen Stephanie but Gwen Stefani. And that song is “Rich Girl”. Look I went back and took responsibility for the mistake I made. Any mistake, the least to the hugest, is your responsibility when you make it.
But, k, later. Probably will never read Urban Moms.
It’s been a long wait, and this LylaD is still writing this junk about herself and her quest to enlightenment. Ugh.
Look, LylaD, is cluttering up Urban Moms with this “sob story-turned-journey for self-respect and self liberation”. Blah blah, this is why I stopped reading Urban Moms. But I decided to check in today, and look!: These paragraphs of Trash TV is still up and running. Yeah, Jerry Springer stuff. Except, no, LylaD can’t possibly be trash because she’s rich. Oh yes, she’s a poor little rich girl with rich girl complaints about her life. Grow up. And listen to Gwen Stephanie’s “Poor Little Rich Girl” as your theme.
So, okay, most people judge her because she is w-r-o-n-g. Yeah everyone makes mistakes. But her mistake is a massive crushing whopper that genuinely has damaged the husband who puts his trust in her, her kids (–they’re young now, but when they grow up they’ll think for themselves–), and she’s hurt the friends who involved themselves with her. The people involved with her have all suffered nuclear fallout from her being a “train wreck”.
It’s not people who are cold and are so wrong in witch hunting her. That’s just LylaD passing blame from herself to others — it’s a deflection. People get mad because they see that LylaD doesn’t make herself accountable. Accountable and responsible has been repeated to her so many times, that it rings hollow to her and is forever cliche to her. Well one of the commentors here had put it best about LylaD:
“People who get angry with you here feel that way not because you cause them (us) to examine our own lives, but because you refuse to examine your own through a lense of anything but self-pity, self-absorption and a pseudo-victim mentality that allows you to divorce yourself from the true responsibility and consequences of your actions.”
Well, I’m leaving again and will probably have to wait forever to read worthwhile articles on Urban Moms. Losing readers and customers seems to work for them.
This blog is starting to irritate me again. There is too much time between posts. If you want someone to read your blog, keep them interested.
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Good for you for ending things, Lyla, and learning to stand on your own while still staying in touch with your kids. I can understand the relief without the baggage of the deceit, the expectations, the guilt….I hope you can begin to be happy.
Unlike you I was alone for many years. I was quite good at it because I was determined I would not settle. Did I get lonely? Yes. But you can be lonely in a room full of people. My mantra to keep me from settling? “There’s nothing lonelier than being with the wrong guy.” And I was always determined I would have a damn good life surrounded with the love of all my family and friends, with or without a man. You really don’t need to be defined in any way by a man, Lyla. When you truly feel that, though, you are open to being loved and loving one…
I think time alone will help you so much, and then, once you are strong and you love yourself and you know you can take care of yourself and your kids and you don’t need a man simply for the attention you get being wooed…then you can open yourself up fully to a live-in relationship again (with Jackson, or someone else).
It was a big step…good luck in this next phase of your journey.
Dam this Blog is AWESOME. If you wrote this any better i would think you were a super human. lol nice.:)
Congratulations on your new emotional freedom !
thanks for this…you put into words exactly what i’m living..although i’m actually in the process of ending a 25 year marriage. i’ve never been solely on my own with just myself to think of and i’m finding it beyond difficult. i don’t who i am, what i want to do career wise or how to go about starting to make a life for ME. it’s all very scary and new and requires courage and energy and determination which i’m having a hard time gathering at the moment. i have wonderful adult children who are cheering me on and a very supportive sister/father who want to do whatever it takes to help me get a life..literally! i have small moments where i’m a little excited about my future…but my biggest obstacle is learning to love myself..know i am worthy of love and more than that i deserve it.
i wish you so much for your future and totally credit you for your strength and courage!