When the Baby was born three months ago, our friends and family all asked if the Boy and Girl were jealous of their new baby sister. "No!" I exclaimed proudly. "They are so in love with their sister that they are competing over who gets to be with her the most." I have to admit that this response was embarassingly tinged with a certain smugness that conveyed (falsely) "My kids are so highly evolved that they are beyond jealousy." Yeah, whatever.
And that’s exactly how it was until a few days ago??!! All of a sudden, they’ve turned on me. "You love the Baby more than us." "You only care about her and you want us to go away." What’s interesting is that whether it’s the Boy or the Girl complaining about my incapacity to equally distribute the Love, they speak as a WHOLE, a TEAM, who’s united spirit stems from a disappointment in me, their mother. On everything else, they bicker like cats and dogs, but on this, they agree wholeheartedly.
I was floored. When I got pregnant (not planned, and therefore a huge, mind-numbing shock to my body and brain…but now that we’ve got her, I’m not only in love with this Baby but completely OBSESSED in a way that totally shocks me given my initial reluctance. WHO KNEW?), my initial concerns included on that my older kids would somehow get neglected. Since the arrival of their baby sister, I’ve gone out of my way to plan activities and "Mommy" time with both the Boy and the Girl. Yes, life is different, we don’t jump in the car and head out for spontaneous adventures, but we do spend lots of time reading, cuddling, listening to music and eating ice cream together on our patio. I’m trying. And still, they’re hurt. And upset. Everyday.
I think what really gets them is the breastfeeding; the intense physicality of my relationship with the Baby makes my older kids feel somehow left out. I get it. I just don’t know how to fix it right now? The Baby is nursing all the time (any tips on getting a 3-month old on a feeding schedule?) and it is isolating for other family members. But, I did the same for them and refuse to give this child anything less. I try to reason with them, but they’re 5 and 3 respectively – all they see is that I’m largely unavailable. Will this affect them going forward? Will it somehow damage the strong bonds I’ve worked so hard to cultivate? I torment myself with these question. Any thoughts?
I think it’s a phase that happens in every family. Kids are smart… they figure out the triggers to make you feel guilty, then keep pulling and pulling!
My kids actually liked it when I sat down to breastfeed. I’m not normally much of a sitter, so we would use that time to cuddle in front of a tv show or read a book.
My son was 3& 1/2 when his twin sisters were born, and he has had to fight for his share of attention in those last (almost) 7 years. I worried as well how they would fare together, but that bond runs deep. Today, they all love and hate each other on a regular basis – and still argue over who gets to sleep with who on the weekends.
I don’t have a third, so I can’t say for sure, but I do think Beck’s right. My kids are 7.5 and 5, and they love each other to bits and are inseparable…except when they hate each other and are alternately or in unison accusing me of loving the other more.
I say keep up the “Mommy time” and other fun stuff, and as my mother always said, “this too shall pass.”
As for 3-month old babies on schedules…BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I was an on-demand nurser pretty much until my kids weaned (around 20 mos and 2.5 years). Schedules…you crack me up!
Oh boy! I have no advice, only an empathy and sympathy that knows no bounds. I am expecting #2 in a few months and #1 will be three at the time. These thoughts are starting to plague me in the wee hours of the morning. Then I figure, I was the third and my siblings turned out okay and have great relationships with my parents (in spite of? because of? who knows!). It’s hard to see the forest when you’re right smack in the middle. Continue to do what you are doing and your kids and you will be fine. I hope that doesn’t sound trite, but it’s one objective bystanders opinion (now, you’ll have to tell me the same thing in 6 months!!)
I don’t know if it IS fixable – I think a certain amount of jealousy is kind of inevitable. ONe thing I did do that might have helped a little bit was to hand over the baby to daddy as soon as he got home so that I had my hands and lap free for the older two.