Ah, the PlayDate. There is no real way for a new mom to be properly prepared for all that a playdate entails. There is no way for a new mom to know that there is an entire unwritten guidebook full of dos and don’ts surrounding playdates. And there is NO WAY for a new mom to be prepared for the inevitable playdate stayer.
In life, I think there are two general types of people- stayers or goers. Neither is better then the other, they just have two different approaches to social situations. Let me explain:
Goer- This is me. Generally one of the first ones to leave an event/party. A little shy- have to force myself to chat with strangers. If a host even glances at the clock, I think “Oh man, I better go. They want me to leave right now. Where’s my coat, I have to hurry and leave or I’ll never be asked back again!”
Stayer- Totally comfortable hanging out with anyone, anywhere,
until removed. Give her a seat and a drink and she can chat with
whoever for as long as possible. If she’s comfortable, she’s not going
anywhere fast. Host looks at the clock? They just wanted to know the
time. Has to be asked to leave in order to go.
In the world of playdates, most moms I have encountered are goers. When their baby gets fussy, they go. When it’s lunch time, they take their baby home (unless it was a previously planned lunch date). Most of the mothers I playdate with have babies around the same age as The Boy (10 months) and stay for an hour, max. They’re goers.
However, every once in a while we moms encounter a playdate stayer. One who doesn’t take the subtle hints of time checking, dish washing, claims of “gotta put my baby down for a nap/feed him lunch/go bathe him”. You know, get out of my house hints.
And this happened recently to a good friend of mine. We have now dubbed it “The Four Hour Playdate”:
Scenerio- Woman and my friend met a few times at a local park. Kids are the same age. They have fun chatting while their kids play. Friend invites woman over for a playdate. Woman agrees.
Playdate day comes. The 11 month old girls play in the living room while their mothers have a coffee and chat. An hour goes by. It’s getting close to lunch time. Friend says: “Well, I guess it’s time for lunch (hint, hint).”
Woman says, “EXCELLENT! What would you like to have”.
GULP! Friend panics and offers soup. Woman asks what her child could have to eat. Friend panics and offers a jar of baby food she has in her cupboard.
Fast forward two hours later. The woman and her child are STILL at my friend’s house. They have had an entire lunch, plus two pots of coffee, and a snack. My friend’s baby is cranky and really needs her nap. The woman’s baby is cranky and needs a nap. But she just won’t leave.
FINALLY after almost 4 hours of “playing”(but mostly whining and crying at this point) the woman announces that she needs to pick her older child up from school so should get going. She asks if she wants to do a playdate next week, and leaves.
My friend is left dumbfounded, wondering why anyone would think that a playdate for 11 month old girls should last longer then 1 1/2 hours, max! Isn’t that the unwritten rule? Especially when children are quite young and the parents involved aren’t close friends? And furthermore, how does one “nicely” kick someone out of their house- the fear of being perceived as rude or inhospitable paralyzed my friend during their four-hour playdate.
I can admit that I’ve had my share of awkward playdate encounters (like the woman who wouldn’t let The Boy touch any of her child’s toys or the furniture in the room because it was new), but the four hour playdate really took the cake for me.
So, what do I think new moms (or any mom) can glean from the four hour
playdate nightmare? Well, for the most part I compared playdates to mom dating- the first few should be kept light, short and fun. Leave them wanting more from you. You don’t have to commit to the relationship right away. Always have an exit strategy (remember when you used to get your friends to call you during a blind date so you had an out?) and, please, don’t stay for FOUR HOURS!!
*disclaimer for my real-life friends: this is not a thinly veiled attempt to make you leave my house faster or not stay for lunch. I promise- you may drink as much of my coffee and eat as much of my food as you like!*
OMG. that is so stressful. I’ve been in similar boats, and it’s tough. Now that my kids are bigger, we do more drop-off playdates. I’ve found the limit of good behaviour for my kids is 2 hours. After 2 hours, they stop “playing nicely” with other kids and turn into monsters who whine and fight. So, that’s the rule i try to maintain whether i’m having kids over or sending my kids somewhere. i do try to include a meal in a playdate b/c it is something to do, and nice for kids to learn to dine with their friends together.
Ok, at that age the “date” is for the moms and the kids just happen to be there. They just play or hang out in the same room and the moms can chat. So if this was going on for too long or got awkward, your friend should really have said “You know, this is nice but my baby needs no distractions to have her lunch and nap time, and I have lots to do. Do you mind if we continue this date another day?” Hard to do at times but look at it this way. WE are supposed to be teaching our kids to speak up and ask for what they want and deserve in life, and instead your friend suffered through four hours of feeling awkward ..
We’ve all been there. Worse for me were those parents that hung around at kid drop off birthday parties. I was entertaining and feeding kids, and now had to make sure the “adult” guest were catered to. These were not helpful parents…they sat and waited for coffee or wine… Not fun. We can all benefit from speaking up more and not worrying so much. Who knows, the guest just may have been a bit off or lonely that day and not clued in….
Oh, and one more thing….two hours is a play date for kids under ten at my house. If a date is going to go longer, it has to be cleared with both sides…
ugh! What a NIGHTMARE!!!! I take the ‘do it like dating’ thing to the playdate as well. Always go to their place, so you can LEAVE when you want to and set the precedent. (**remember those awkward ‘mornings’ when someone is at your house who you just want to leave? but at their place, you could have fun, and get home and take out the contacts for a good nights sleep**). So do the same on playdates! God this reminds me of when I had a dating life…sigh…:)
Honestly I would never even have a home playdate for that young of a child. I started my kids on playdates after they had social experince at a local Mom/Tots community drop in. When they showed they could play together and share, as apposed to playing by themselves with others nearby, they were about 2 1/2 years old.
Now that my youngest is 6 yrs old, it’s 2 hours max for a date that includes Mom/Dad staying too and 3 hours for a kid only play date. Fortunately we have a regular group and everyone ‘gets’ the playdate etiquette.