Last week, I made reference to getting the Heisman. A few people asked me what the hell I was talking about so let me give you a visual cue. See the football player on the Heisman trophy – shoving everyone away? Yup. The dump.
So I said to my co-worker Kati and a few other UrbanMoms that I was going to revisit all of my old flames and look for a pattern of why I can’t seem to meet the right person. I thought I’d interview them…right back to the public school slow dancing days…and try to get some insight…then report back to you guys!
Kati said, ‘but we already know what your problem is. You always go after emotionally unavailable men.’ Whoa. Cue spotlight. She could not be more bang on with that.
From high school (where my first love’s girlfriend was away at camp for the summer so they were on a ‘break’) to university (where my boyfriend’s steady was at a different university so they were on a ‘break) to the last decade ….where, just as an example, I’ve had someone tell me, upfront, that while they really liked me, they can’t commit to anyone (not enough to scare me off!)…this is a TREND. The latest Heisman – also emotionally unavailable to me (but mature enough to recognize it early).
But the question for me is why? Why do I always go for this type? Sure – it’s the ‘saving’ aspect. I love nothing more than to swoop in and save someone from their past. And there is the challenge. But there’s more to it than that if I can be honest with myself.
Emotionally unavailable men mean I don’t have to make a commitment…because it will never work out. So, I can have a ‘relationship’ for a bit, usually rife with drama, then get dumped or move on, feel bad but also fall back into my extremely comfortable routine of singlehood.
So the real question is – why am I afraid of commitment? Now THAT is going to take some delving into. The good news…this last guy…I think I was ready for something real. I didn’t have the same quasi relief when it ended. I’m honestly sad about it. So as crappy as it – it’s sort of encouraging as well.
I haven’t cued up Adele’s Someone Like You and fallen into a tub of Ben and Jerry’s but I have been listening to a different Adele song…and it may just sum up the last 25 years or so of my dating life.
I love this version because the song is all about the emotionally unavailable man…and in the intro she says ‘yeah I don’t like him anymore’. Oh Adele…you and I must figure this out together!
How’s that for looking inward today? What about you – any advice? Thoughts?
LOVE Adele
Love the struggle and the process of finding out about ourselves. Sara, you are thinking and feeling and that is brilliant. Write it down and summarise it and think about what you really want and remember you are WORTHY.
So much more to say and hear but need the face time with you and the bottle of red and Adele should come over too – she is a wise and human cat
xoxoxo
Yeah it’s interesting to meet people who have been married as long as Jen.
My hubby and I started dating when we were 19 yrs old. Actually set up by my boss. We’ve been married for 18 years and together for 26 years (Now I feel old). I don’t have any theories. I have no idea why some relationships last and some don’t but I certainly get asked a lot about why/how/what did you do? I seriously don’t know..maybe we should ask the guys?
I don’t have any theories, but I would love to hear Jen’s! I’d like to be around for the discussion.
Let’s get together and skype with the grumble and some wine….I want to hear your theories!! How is Adele only in her 20s? Seriously…..
I’m pretty sure I share many of your theories, lady. And I’m totally down for a glass of wine. (Or 4.) *fist bump*
I love Adele. But I always have to keep in mind that she is in her early 20s so her version of love and commitment is like mine was nearly 20 years ago – still developing.
I met my husband when I was 19 and we started dating when I was 21. We have been together for nearly 20 years and I love him more than I did then. I would love to talk to you about relationships over a glass (or 4) of wine one day. I have theories 😉
I’m not sure I have any advice (yet) but I’m looking forward to reading more about this whooooooole thing, lady. *gets comfy on couch.* Aaaaaaand, GO!! 😉