I’ve got news

Warning: GROSS-OUT ALERT – If you are easily grossed out, please do not read any further. The following content is not for the delicate.

I’m pregnant.  Just over three months.  How do I even begin to describe the myriad of emotions that I’ve felt since this discovery in early August?  This was a surprise for us.  My husband has been wanting a third child, but it was me who was hesitant. I have no doubt that I have the room in my heart, but do I have the physical and mental stamina to do it all again?  I’m older, weaker, and feel like my plate is full.  These are all the thoughts that were racing through my head when that second blue line appeared.

Then, before I could even get my breath, the sickness began.  The deep, black abyss that characterized my first two pregnancies returned with a vengeance.  Mornings began with violent vomiting that resulted in only chartreuse bile as my stomach was repeatedly empty.  The early days continued with nausea and vomiting throughout the day, interrupted only by periods of immense fatigue and intense emotional ups and downs.  This has been my first trimester.  Somehow, in the midst of all this, my kids have continued with their routine, school and their playdates.  Early on, as I lay on my bed beaten down by the nausea, my son approached me, hands on hips:  "Mom, why are you so sick all the time? You used to be really fun, and now you’re really boring?"  I couldn’t help but laugh, and thought of no other appropriate response other than the truth:  "My love, there’s a baby in my tummy. When that baby grows, it releases chemicals into Mummy’s body that make her feel sick.  That way, when Mummy is throwing up, you know that it’s because your little brother or sister is growing."

Surprisingly, that somewhat complex answer satisfied his queries, and even allowed him to pacify his almost-three year old sister when her anxieties manifested themselves days later.  Go figure.

There is a light at the end of this dark tale.  Approximately 3 weeks ago, my OB (whom I adore – not in a weird way, but in a worshipful way – fully appreciative of his empathy and technical skills) sent me for a dating ultrasound as he wasn’t sure how far along I was.  There, in a gray lab, with a kind, Polish technician performing a trans-vaginal ultrasound in a cold, cold room, I saw my baby for the first time.  I don’t know how, in 10.5 weeks, this person happened, but there he/she was: jumping, rolling, waving, turning – living and waiting for us to receive him with loving, open arms.  I started to cry and my husband’s eyes filled with tears.  All the darkness, emotional ups and downs and physical sickness were somehow put in perspective by a 4 centimetre miracle. 

I’m still struggling with certain aspects of this pregnancy, but am calmed and sustained by that image.

Thanks for listening. I’ve felt sheepish doing my blog in that it felt wrong to not explain the way I was feeling and the reasons for my lack of frequency in posting.  It feels good to have it out in the open.  I look forward to continuing to share my experience with you, and request your positive thoughts and prayers as I begin this journey.