This topic maybe a little controversial, but isn’t that what we’re here for? Some debate? Some controversy??
Driving to work this morning, I heard about Larry King and his wife divorcing – news is out that maybe Larry slept with her sister. I’m DONE! It’s official – I no longer want to hear about celebrity (or non-celebrity for that matter) infidelity. Why is it our business? It’s not! And I can tell you, it’s simply reconfirming what I believe (note – what I BELIEVE – you may not) that as humans we are not wired to be faithful to one person for our whole lives. I think that couples who are faithful to each other for the course of their relationships work incredibly hard at it, resist temptation and have a massive amount of respect for the other person. Notice I didn’t say love – I do believe that many cheaters still love their spouses, but they are just waffling on the respect thing.
Where am I coming from? Both sides of the coin on this one unfortunately. I’ve been cheated on and I’ve had an emotional affair. I’m more than 99.5% sure that my former fiancée cheated on me while my mother was sick. I was and am fine with it. I sure as hell didn’t have any interest in having sex with him and it didn’t stop him from treating my mother incredibly well, or having a hot bath and a cold beer waiting for me at home. It didn’t stop him from letting me cry all night and just holding me without judgment or pressure for anything else. Had we stayed together and I found out now, maybe I’d feel differently but honestly, I harbour no ill will towards him.
On the flipside, I stupidly had an emotional affair for about a year. Am I proud of it – god no. Did I learn from it? You bet. It’s incredible to me how we can justify our actions. At the time, I really didn’t think I was doing anything wrong – I mean – he says he’s not happy, he says he never was, he says he loves me. WTF? I can’t believe that I went along with all that. What was really the truth? I was interjecting myself into someone’s relationship. I hurt another woman very, very badly and I almost split up a home with children in it. My friend Molly asked me how I thought I was entitled to do this and what if his wife was one of our friends, how would I feel? BINGO. I’d want to strangle me.
Here’s the deal. I don’t think infidelity will ever end because we’re just not programmed that way. But, as individuals we can make a choice. If you’re thinking of cheating on a spouse – think first – what if someone was going to do that to you or your sister (or brother) or anyone else you care about. Think about what you have to lose. If you’re truly not happy, then leave. And no, I don’t buy that ANYTHING is too difficult to get out of if you’re not happy.
AND if you’re thinking of starting a relationship with someone who is already in one, a few words of advice.
a. No great love story ever started with ‘After he left his wife…’
b. There are two sides to every story. Does his/her wife/husband know that (s)he’s not happy?
c. If there’s a you….there’s a you somewhere else too.
d. In the words of Aretha – R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Have respect for yourself, for that person’s partner and for their relationship.
And please, let’s stop buying magazines and reading all this crap about celebrity infidelity. It’s so boring isn’t it?
What do you think? Can we be monogamous?
I take great delight in your blog, Its wonderful to learn not every person is just posting a bunch of waste now a days!
All I can think of are the speeches that Sandra Bullock made all through this years awards season. She even joked in January that she would not have put the club down if she were Elin – she would have kept hitting…And all along it was happening to her. She had no idea…
I think Jesse James and Tiger Woods have put alot of women on red alert.
I’m not naive to think that it can’t happen to me.
My dad did it to my mom.
I’ve been with my husband for 13yrs (married almost 11). I can’t imagine sharing my life with anyone else. We’ve been through alot and that has strengthened us. We made an agreement with each other that divorce is not an option. Nor is infidelity.
Plus I tell him all the time he’d never get anyone hotter than me 🙂
We celebrated our 10yr wedding anniversary last year and I couldn’t believe how fast the 10 years went by. Took that as a good sign.
HI Anne
Thanks for this one – very insightful. (and I love your ‘maybe we’re just lazy’ comment). My parents would have been married for 50 years as well this September had my mom not passed away 9 years ago… My mom and I had some interesting convos about cheating and marriage etc while she was alive and it always came back to ‘a shit load of work’ and ‘respect’. And I totally agree with the ‘practical’ points!
I have to say I just don’t get it. Please don’t think I’m judging… but I just do not get it.
My parents would have been married for 50 years in September if my mother had not died 2 years ago. There is no doubt in my mind that cheating was not something that ever played a part in their marriage. They married when they were 17 and 21.
I’ve been married for over 22 years now. My husband travels, but I can not even begin to imagine he would ever cheat on me.
I don’t really know why. I think it is just in the way our brains are wired.
Of course married couples go through tough and boring times. Of course the excitement of the first kiss is not something that we will experience again. (Unless one of us dies and the survivor finds another.) But there is a certain comfort and security in our relationship. Even if things aren’t passionate this week… or month… we can acknowledge that, laugh it off, and know that it will cycle around again soon.
Maybe we’re just lazy? Neither one of us can wrap our minds around the effort it would take to cheat and keep the secret. And what if it lead to divorce? Talk about complicating your life! Now you need 2 houses and with that comes 2 ovens, stove, refrigerators, TVs, washers, dryers, electric bills, cable bills… etc. etc. What would that do to our retirement plans! Yikes! There’s something to be said for a “Love the One You’re With” way of looking at things. Another of my favorite songs says, ” It’s not getting what you want it’s wanting what you have”.
I often say I am delighted to be married to a practical man. Pragmatism is important in long term relationships. Long term goals are what our relationship is build on and reaching those goals requires the ability to set aside immediate satisfaction in favour of the big picture. That is they way our brains are wired. Cheating is not something that would get us what we want. I guess it’s not a turn on! Hmm…
It makes me sad to hear about people having affairs, or the fact that newlywed women are flocking to affair-oriented sites like Ashley Madison. It seems like there’s a lot of hurt and loneliness out there. Also seems like there’s a lot of selfishness. I think a lot of women make the mistake of getting married because a)they’re lonely and b) they settle.
Being in a marriage like that, then I too wouldn’t believe we were “wired” to be faithful to them. I guess it depends on what you think the role of marriage is.
I love the Jewish tradition of getting married under a hoopa. Its private, its only the two of them. I think thats what marriage needs to be. The minute you invite people under the hoopa (like celebrity reality shows, unloading feelings about your spouse to a friend when you haven’t discussed the issue with him first, pornography… the list goes on) you have lost the delicate intimacy that is needed; the trust that is crucial in marriage.
Being faithful is a choice. Love is a choice. I wish more people would fight for their marriage.
It’s all about choices.
To me, when you choose to get married- you choose to be with that person and that person only. End of story. If you don’t think you can or don’t want to be monogamous, then don’t get married…
I think you need to go into marriage knowing that you will be tempted- there is always someone smarter, better looking, more interesting, etc… out there- and think of ways you can deal with it in advance. The grass always looks greener, but rarely is once you get there.
But do I think you can stay faithful to one person for the rest of your life? Yes.
The thing is, like Jen pointed out, it’s really HARD WORK to be married (or common-law) and, in all seriousness, who wants to work that hard? Especially in a society where your every need can be fulfilled in the blink of an eye.
I keep rambling and erasing- so I just wanted to say how much I appreciate your honesty, Sara. I was in a similar situation with a manager of mine when I was 20. He didn’t have kids but was married and felt I was his “soulmate” (GAG). It didn’t go too far- I quit my job because I didn’t know what else to do. He stopped talking to me once he realized it wasn’t going to go as far as he wanted. Some soulmate…
I think it’s definitely the norm for the human species to be attracted to different people. I’ve been with my husband and he’s pointed out a good looking girl – it doesn’t bother me at all. BUT as you said, Respect and a lot of hard work needs to go into a marriage. Number #1 thing – Communication, once that’s out the window – it’s pretty much over from there… have to say I held my husbands hand the other day on a walk with our kids on the Don Trail and after 10 years of being together, it felt the same as the first time we held hands. We’re a team and eachothers’ family……
I think we have evolved so much socially and emotionally but physically we are still animals! We are drawn emotionally and socially to monogamy but sometimes our bodies betray us.
I have been with the same man for nearly *gulp* 20 years and it does take work. I totally get what Lindsay is saying, there are sacrifices and sometimes you long for that passionate, hungry first kiss (I saw that episode of Parenthood too and MAN did I want that kiss!) but when you put it in perspective it is SOOOOO not worth it. Unfortunately, I think some people either fool themselves into thinking it is worth it or that it won’t impact their relationship but you either end up finding yourself in another relationship longing for another first kiss all over again or you end up compromising your relationship with guilt and lies.
It is possible and wonderful to be with one person forever but it is not always easy.
Wow – such awesome, thoughtful insights ladies. I’m enjoying reading them. Lindsay – I know EXACTLY the scene you’re talking about. Thanks for the honesty. And Donna = you’re so right on the changing scene of relationships. Never thought of things that way.
I read somewhere a little while ago, and I can’t remember where, that marriage and relationships have changed a lot over the years. For example in the past you got married to create a family and have financial security. And then one of you died at a relatively young age. So essentially you didn’t end up spending your life with just one person and got to move on to the next if you so desired.
Now people live along time and we don’t necessary need to create a realtionship to have a family and financial security. Our relationships serve us in a particular stage in life and sometimes there is not one person that can fit that bill. So we move to someone else at one point and learn from them and so on.
Well it makes sense to me based on my life and times. Oh, I remember where I read that. I was at Chapters one night with my daughter and the Thomas the Train toy table is next to the Relationship section. Two birds with one stone!
so much to say… but as a married person, i feel liek i shouldnt’ have the opinions that i have…. but i will share anyway because i gave up on self-doubt long ago… and stopped comparing my relationship and what works for us with other married people.
I am happy, and have been happy with the same man for 10 years. My thoughts on marriage? well, i believe that everything you said about working hard on it is sooo right. You have to WANT to be in your marriage .. b.c ultimately there are going to be moments that suck, but you chose to stick it out, and rely on your memories of how much you love him and how happy you know you can be once this moment of frustration passes. And although there are some people i know that seem incredibly happy and in love with their spouses 24/7, i think that for myself its a balancing act (and also realizing that even those people have their issues. hence my efforts to not comparing myself to others. Oh, but the co-dependant couples creeep me out.. dont’ even GET me started on these people…).
But i find it sooo interesting that you posted this topic today b.c JUST the other night i was watching tv (Parenthood) and Lorelei Gilmour had a first kiss with her new boyfriend… it was nothing exceptional, other than it looked realistically awkward yet timidly sweet… and i got that craving… the craving for kissing someone new. i have always loved to kiss…. more than doing anything else. seriously. And 10 years into my relationship/marriage, i find there is a serious lack of kissing. and the kissing is never the same as that ‘new kiss’. IF i were to cheat (and not to say i would. EVER.) it would be just to kiss someone with that passion and excitement and newness… As for what follows, however, i have to say that i much prefer the tried and tested sex with my darling husband who knows me inside and out (tee hee) over any ‘ooohh.. wait, nope, thats not it” sex with anyone else. (as a side note, for this reason i have never understood the whole one night stand cheating thing… how is this kind of sex good?? i guess its the excitement factor… further confirming that a mistress can never be more than a mistress.)
So, do i wish i could have ‘new’ kiss with someone? Hell YES. do i wish to be ‘dating’ and dealing with another man’s set of idiosyncrasies. Hell NO. Do i wish my husband was a leeeeeetle different in some areas of his personality? maybe, but i have to remind myslef that i cannot Create’a’Husband, and even if i did, they’d likely piss me off eventually. Plus, the men in my past that i have been able to ‘mold’ have never worked out for me, b.c i like a man to hold his own against my strong will and bossiness. i got bored of the Wet Noodles (and frankly hated myslef when i was with them b.c i was an awful awful person… bossing and being mean, and generally testing how far i could bend them.). So ultimately, despite the parts of his character that i would refer to as ‘flaws’ (ha), my husband is the best choice for me and i love him for what he is and what we are together. and i do fully believe that its a choice for both of us to be in this marriage. no one is forcing me to be with him (we are not the godly types), and i could survive without him, but do i want to? No. And as long as that is ‘no’, then i am here in this marriage.
Reflecting on what i just poooped onto this page.. i dont’ know if answered your monogomy question at all. ha! oops. sorry.
I think there are the very few who truly love from start to finish. I think the rest
of folks relay on the “respect” thing…and like you said, if you’re truly not happy,
then just leave…there are so many angles to a relationship as you move forward
in life…when you start, it’s just you and the other person and you have found love.
After a few years, there are children, extended family, work, friends etc. It’s hard
to keep up the intensity of early love when there are so many different
responsibilities. Not only that, it would get a little too inward!! I think successful relationships morph into a deep sense of committment to a shared vision, a shared value system and if you’re dam lucky, you like the other person’s company when it’s
down to you and them after 25 years of marriage!!! Because it’s at that point
that you look at each other again…it’s like you raise your head and kind of go
“Oh, that’s right…we still have a long way to go and now we have a lot more
time to spend together!!l”…Then, you think about…Do I want to grow old with this person? Do we want to be there for each other? Can we continue to support
each other’s growth and development? Do I truly love this person? Do I want
them by my side? And if you can say yes to all these things, then maybe you can make it!! However, do I think it’s natural to be with one person my whole life? Well, in actual fact, I haven’t been. This is not my only deep relationship, however it is the one that I committed to. In fact, most people have had more than one deep relationship in their lives. I think it helps one to know what they are looking for when they do finally commit. I think the committment to have children and
share a life together takes a lot more criteria than just a love relationship between two people. The fact remains that the other relationships people
were in didn’t work for the long hual, regardless of the love factor. I think that’s
why we need those previous relationships…so we can see the qualities in a person
that were committing to during some of the hardest years of our lives. The married relationship is the one that lasts the longest…it’s most often not the only one. However, it’s the one that needs to work while we are adults with lots
of responsibilities. We need to choose wisely. We need to be able to laugh at
the craziness of some of our days. We need to trust each other’s decisions
and we need to respect. And if we’re really lucky, we may even still love
each other at the end of it all!! For the record, my husband also believes we are not hard-wired to be committed to one person our entire lives, and yet here we are!!
Great response Laura – and congrats on the wedding next week! I thought the Monique thing was really interesting as well….I also find the whole Gene Simmons thing interesting. I know it’s a tv show but they seem to be a very settled, normal family – I think the rule is he can have sex with other women, but only once and no kissing. This sounds insane on the surface, I know it does, but part of me wonders if that could ever be the answer?
I think so. I was married to a man for 10 years who I didn’t love (we married when I was 19 and he was 21 because I was pregnant) and I don’t remember ever thinking of cheating on him. Maybe the three kids kept me too busy, who knows… anyways, I am getting married again (next week!) to a man who I communicate 10000% better than with my ex. We talk about our feelings about EVERYTHING, and even though we are currently in a long-distance (different continents!) relationship, being with someone else is the last thing on our minds.
I was very interested to watch Barbara Walter’s interview with Mo’Nique, who seems go have a great marriage, yet says it’s an ‘open marriage’. I thought she and her husband had other partners, but she said that no, they don’t, but they discuss their feelings with each other. If he starts having feelings for someone else, he tells his wife, and they work through it. I think that if more couples did that, they would stop affairs before they begin. I hope to have a marriage where there are no secrets, and if I (or he) is feeling weak or tempted, we can talk about it without fighting.
The other side to this is my frustration with so many of my women friends who do not have sex with their husbands, or do it rarely, yet expect him to clean, cook, work, care for the kids etc. Yes, they are tired, yes, they are moms and busy, but for goodness sake…sex feels good! It makes you happy. The more sex you have the more you will want it, and your husband will be happier than ever. The ONLY thing that kept my 10 year marriage together was regular sex. If we hadn’t had that, it would’ve ended long, long ago. With my future husband, we will have regular sex on top of a great love and bond and friendship with each other, and I feel we will have an affair-proof marriage and be happy together until the day we die (which, we are planning will be when we are 90 something, dying in each other’s arms after making love like we were 30…lol)
Then again, I am an optimist!