A few weeks ago I posted this as my FotoFriday.
This afternoon I was out watching Eva melt play in the heat front. Cam called me in and told me that Cuyler has spilled his peach juice all over the carpet. The carpet where juice is not allowed.
Things like this happen all the time. I don’t know what to do.
I am at a loss. I do not know how to be his parent half the time.
How do you reason with a child with no reasoning skills?
How do you discipline a child who doesn’t care about rules?
And when you try to put consequences in place you can end up with a child screaming for hours on end.
How do you discipline a child who doesn’t care about rules?
And when you try to put consequences in place you can end up with a child screaming for hours on end.
He’s not your typical child (obviously). Strategies are eluding me at this point.
I was given a copy of 1-2-3 Magic by a friend in the hopes that it would be of some help with setting limits and following through with consequences. I did what the book said and realized that this was not a strategy that was going to work for my special guy after the 2nd time I put him in his room as a consequence and stood using all my body weight to hold his door shut as he used all of his to try and open it. Ridic.
I was given a copy of 1-2-3 Magic by a friend in the hopes that it would be of some help with setting limits and following through with consequences. I did what the book said and realized that this was not a strategy that was going to work for my special guy after the 2nd time I put him in his room as a consequence and stood using all my body weight to hold his door shut as he used all of his to try and open it. Ridic.
The only good thing to come of it is that it is absolute gold with Eva. Works to perfection with her. It only took one follow through for her to know I mean business when she hears “I’m at one!”
No 2 kids are the same and different things work for different kids. The way I deal with Eva is not the same way I deal with Cam. They are different ages and stages and have differing personalities.
No 2 kids are the same and different things work for different kids. The way I deal with Eva is not the same way I deal with Cam. They are different ages and stages and have differing personalities.
But my Cuy…my sweet, delicious, charming Cuy. I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing half the time. We’ve tried sticking to our guns and holding out longer than him, but good grief this child has staying power. He’s not a kid who learns after a few times (he STILL walks in front of kids on swings). I can’t count how many hours upon hours upon hours the family has has to deal with the screaming because we had to address his behaviour. It has been a long while since we’ve dealt with a complete meltdown, but now it’s just the minor day to day things. Like the juice. Or the cake. Or the sharpie marker all over the wall. Or the gum on the carpet.
I’m finding the weeks that all 3 are home in the summer to be more challenging. For everyone.
I’m finding the weeks that all 3 are home in the summer to be more challenging. For everyone.
How is it fair that Cam and Eva are disciplined for things that Cuyler is not? Cam has called me on it. And I just have to tell him – “I don’t know what to do. His brain works completely different than yours. I’m trying to figure it out. I’m doing the best I can.”
I can say three thousand times a day “no juice in the family room.” I can put visuals up on the walls
and all to no avail. Unless I am with him for every one of his waking minutes to police his activities and remind him of house rules he will do what he wants. Not on purpose. Not to be bad. But because he just doesn’t think that way.
And it’s frustrating because that boy is my soul. I know him like nobody else in the universe. My thoughts are always about what’s next. About what to do and what not to do. I’m on alert all the time to keep his world manageable for him while at the same time remembering that he has to learn how to deal with life. The real world.
It’s exhausting.
I can say three thousand times a day “no juice in the family room.” I can put visuals up on the walls
and all to no avail. Unless I am with him for every one of his waking minutes to police his activities and remind him of house rules he will do what he wants. Not on purpose. Not to be bad. But because he just doesn’t think that way. And it’s frustrating because that boy is my soul. I know him like nobody else in the universe. My thoughts are always about what’s next. About what to do and what not to do. I’m on alert all the time to keep his world manageable for him while at the same time remembering that he has to learn how to deal with life. The real world.
It’s exhausting.
My biggest fear is that his brother and sister will start to resent him. Because they will. They won’t resent the autism that all of this stems from, but they will resent him. I do not want that to happen. I want my children to love each other. I want them to know that our dynamic is very different that a lot of families and it makes our family special and unique. But I never want it to burden them.
Sean and I decided a long time ago that the autism would not run our family. It would not hold us or him back from anything. It would not run our other kids lives and really – it doesn’t but, again the day to day things challenge the hell out of me.
Cam has a level of empathy that not a lot of 10 year olds have. And I know he loves his brother. He knows enough about autism to understand everything, but he is a little boy who doesn’t think anything is fair. And a lot of times – it’s not.
We try and give each of our kids everything they need. They all have different needs and we do our best to provide for each of them.
Sean and I decided a long time ago that the autism would not run our family. It would not hold us or him back from anything. It would not run our other kids lives and really – it doesn’t but, again the day to day things challenge the hell out of me.
Cam has a level of empathy that not a lot of 10 year olds have. And I know he loves his brother. He knows enough about autism to understand everything, but he is a little boy who doesn’t think anything is fair. And a lot of times – it’s not.
We try and give each of our kids everything they need. They all have different needs and we do our best to provide for each of them.
Doing our best. That has to be enough.
I can completely identify with how you feel. Both my boys have been diagnosed with autism… My second youngest was actually diagnosed while we were getting an assessment for my eldest. I cried a lot. I remember my mom taking the boys to an indoor play place and coming back at the end of the day with a much better understanding of how different they are. “It’s not a discipline issue! I could see he was trying so hard. He just couldn’t understand”(at the time only my eldest was exhibiting strong autistic tendencies). Yeah I know. I’d have to say that’s one of the hardest things. People not understanding how completely different their minds work and us as their parents feeling like we constantly have to justify their actions and our reactions. You are not alone!
that just made me cry! your kids are amazing!
Just as they are and just who they are.
And they all three could not be more different from one another. I love the variety my children provide. But damn it exhausts me!
Yes Julie – I can see it already. My other 2 amaze me sometimes.
Like today. I told Cuyler he was going to see a new naturopath. Cuy asked if Cam was going to come. I said no, just mommy and daddy.
Cam said from the other room “I can come for comfort if he wants”
So we will be taking them both…
Gretchen – it’s the exact same here. From the compliments on the siblings behaviour and demeanor to doing things “behind their back”
I’ve never felt alone on my journey thanks to you guys.
xoxo
you love them equally- but differently- just as they are, thats what matters.
They are wonderful, and its a compliment to you and the Sean ..it shows what a wonderful job you both do, everyday, to raise them. You are being the best you can be. I know this for sure.
i don’t think anyone ever got in trouble for doing their best. i’m sorry it’s so hard to be two different parents…i can’t even imagine what that must put you through. it sounds like your other two will have a greater sense of empathy and understanding because of your efforts, more so than other kids and i’d be surprised if they ended up resenting him.
all i know is i’d not be handling it as well as you seem to be!
First of all, yeah I get it. My mom sent each boy $2 in the mail this week, just because. I’m trying really hard to teach Tommy (7 yrs old) to save his money, earn more by doing jobs, save up for something, rather than just spend $2 on some junk and be out of money again.
Henry (11) hounded me and hounded me about buying a movie with his $2 (no concept of the value of money STILL) and I ended up buying him a $10 movie magazine. Luckily Tommy was not with us, but that’s not really fair either- to sneak around and do things behind one kid’s back.
However I will say that I get so many compliments on Tommy’s behavior. I don’t take credit for it, I think he was just born this way. But I do wonder if growing up hearing us hammering Henry with what-to-do and how-to-do-it ALL THE TIME has made him extra good at following the rules and being nice to people, etc.
Yes, I hope he doesn’t come to resent it. All we can do is be honest as you said and tell our typical kids that we are doing the best we can. Sorry to write a book…