My title was inspired by Sarah’s posts of interviews with mothers with different styles of parenting.
Before my girls were born, I knew what kind of mother I want to be, I wanted be a Natural Parent.
1. My children would not be exposed to toxins so I planned to do the following:
- Use cloth diapers exclusively.
- Breastfeed exclusively. Eat organically so milk would be as clear of toxins as possible.
- Use organic, all natural, non-toxic body products (diaper cream, shampoos, sunscreens, etc.).
- Make all my own baby food from healthy, organic sources.
- Use only organic fabrics.
- Delay and selectively vaccinate.
- Have toys made out of natural materials only.
How did I do? I did breastfeed exclusively once we became established. The hospital had given Fiona formula without my permission and I was not sure they were getting enough so I supplemented a little in the first month. I did make my own baby food most of the time and bought organic baby food. Once I went back to work though, it was much harder to keep it up. I used cloth diapers at home and disposable while traveling. I didn’t use any organic fabrics (too expensive). Starting to think about selecting some vaccinations. We have too much plastic junk around, the natural toys are tres chere.
2. I would practice attachment parenting which means I planned the following:
- Co-sleeping.
- Baby-wearing.
- Responding to needs.
- Gentle discipline/unconditional parenting (Alfie Kohn).
- Breastfeeding.
How did I do? Pretty well. I learned how to carry both girls at once. We still co-sleep and I love it most of the time (there were times though when lack of sleep was killing me….I considered sleep training but couldn’t do it). I’m doing pretty well with the discipline…could use a little more patience and Playful Parenting…but I’m mindful of it. I breastfed for just over three years. I always promptly responded to cries. Don’t laugh at my greaser look, I had twins!
3. I thought I’d be a crunchy laid back Mama which would include the following:
- I wouldn’t worry about schedules and would just go with the flow everyday.
- I would go to music festivals and camping….
- I would be very relaxed about everything.
- They would eat the wonderful, organic, healthy food I always made from scratch.
How did I do….well…I got really anal about schedules and sleeping. I still haven’t been to a music festival (dying to go though) and we’ve done two camping trips, both this past summer. The girls have both become pretty picky eaters, they’ve had all sort of food I didn’t want them to have and I’m not too worried about it (a little worried though because they like the sugary and salty stuff too much). We did go out west though, and it was fantastic.
Here we are in La Push, Washington where we were definitely on Team Edward!
4. I would have a natural home birth. Yeah, didn’t happen, find out what did here.
And I’m posting this video again, because I love it, and I’m in it (second Erin if you haven’t watched it yet).
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5. I would stay at home and unschool. OK, I discovered unschooling while I was on maternity leave. I would still love to do it but it’s not in the cards financially. I really, really wish I could do it though. To the point that I spend a lot of time stewing about how I could accomplish it. Mom can I move back home? Please?
So, I’m doing pretty well. I’m doing my best to stick to my parenting philosophy and I don’t beat myself up when I’m too busy to be perfect.
What kind of parent did you think you would be? How did your plans play out in real life?
You may find a way some day.
Most homeschooling/unschooling families I know have some creative financial arrangements to make it work. Most of the moms I know do something on the side or the family somehow juggles 1.5 jobs, rents out basement space, etc. And when you step off the more mainstream path, you can often find savings you never thought you could.
One book that I loved is called Come Home to Your Children – I borrowed it at an LLL meeting and it changed how we looked at our finances and where we placed our priorities.
Good luck!
Karen
Karen,
I wish I could stay home and unschool, bake, etc. I never thought I would want that, but I do. Unfortunately, right now it’s not possible. So I do my best. I wish I could bake more, sing more, etc. The day is hectic, and I hate that. Sigh.
HI Ali
I wanted to comment that in much of Canada at least it makes little difference whether you homeschool with a curriculum or unschool at least with respect to gaining entrance into post-secondary education. (And I believe it is similar in the US)
Many universities are moving towards having a workable policy for homeschoolers to use to access post secondary education. In addition many universities are becoming open universities (as the University of Guelph just did). A number of other universities actually actively recruit homeschoolers. There is an excellent blog for homeschoolers all about accessing post secondary opportunities in Canada.
For our family we homeschool in a very relaxed way following little curriculum and I would actually encourage our kids to wait until they are closer to adulthood to pursue the next phase of their education. We’d love if they followed the British approach to a gap year or two of travel and community service. Education for us is not something to achieve and aquire, but something to live. Unschooling and homeschooling is not a “lack” of education. It’s simply a different path through the learning process.
Erin
I initially thought I would have 2 kids, a nanny, and a full time career. If you told me 13 years ago I would have 4 kids in 5 years (twins in the middle), nurse FOREVER – lol, become a SAHM, homeschool, learn to knit socks and bake bread and make soap, and spend my days knee deep in river catching crayfish with my kids, and then become somewhat of an activist- frankly I would have thought you were out of your mind.
I have to say I love it though. I am where I am supposed to be.
Erin
I read the post, amazingly I do all of the above, my friends have not labeled me yet, at least not in front of me, I also do ceramic pots for cooking, cold pressed coconut oil for the kids skin, filtered water for bathing, homeopathic for teething or anything else(although the rarely are ill, never a flu or cold, few runny nose)and a whole lot more, writing this down for the first time looks a bit radical(lol) but the person I am, I cannot do any different. I live in the East end of Toronto, next to Pickering. Any posts on natural parenting should and would be welcome as we can all learn from it. As for homeschooling I have just started, my daughter went to JK for 5 days wasn’t my cup of tea, she would come home with the top(waist) of her legging wet, so I ask her, how is it wet? she told me she wasn’t able to reach the toilet, so I day I went to see how she wasn’t able to reach, the toilet was too high so she wasn’t able to climb up, so I spoke to her teacher about giving the school my 4 inches stepping stool, she told me that she was advise it was a security problem, so I wondered how my daughter the tallest in her JK class was having a problem and the other kids didn’t, I later found out the Kids are in disposible(pullup).
Hi Pamela,
Thanks for commenting, I’m glad my post helps you to feel less alonge. I’m curious about where you are living? I know that our style of parenting is less common but there are quite a few out there. There are also some great blogs and forums, like Mothering Magazines forum for starters. If you would like, I can write a post about internet support for natural parenting (or whatever you want to call it). I can relate though because some people think I’m pretty radical in my parenting and environmental views – see my post here http://www.urbanmoms.ca/multiple_musings/2010/09/extremist-i-dont-think-so-but-others-do.html
I did not manage to do everything perfectly but I’ve decided that is OK. I also think we all have our own style, and that’s great, and it’s not our place to judge others (unless there is some sort of neglect and/or abuse). We should all be supporting each other (which can include respectful disagreements).
I will be posting my unschooling blog post tonight (I worked on it into the wee hours last night but it wasn’t ready – big topic). I’d love to hear more about your story of homeschooling.
Erin
Hi Erin,
What a breath of fresh air to read your article, we must be identical twins, I give birth to my first child at 35, I knew for sure I was going to breastfeed for at least 2yrs except my husband nobody thought I could do it, my kids only liquid was breastmilk in their first yr, then the got a bit of water whilst eating after that, I am the only one in my friends circle buying organic, Iam. also the poorest financially. I didn’t know the use cloth diaper in North America, as I was only in Canada for 3 yrs when my daughter was born, she was 4 mt when I saw the Oprah show on how Disposable is bad for our environment, I google cloth diaper to my amazement, it was being sold 15 minutes away from my home, I immediately started using cloth Diaper and hasn’t look back, just imagine the derogatory comments(I don’t usually tell anyone but when you are out and about people will see) I also potty train from my oldest immediately at about 4 mt, and then my youngest just before she was 3 months. My kids diet is generally 70% fruits+nuts+dates etc and 30% home cooked food. I still co-sleep and probably until the are teen(lol), my kids thinks this is the norm in everyhousehold. I am currently homeschooling, and have read the post about unschooling, my deepest respect for Kerri as I know you have to have a lot of patience, the other post that don’t understand much about homeschooling\unschooling, just google search, you be amazed Albert Einstein and Winston Churchill are amoung the esteem list of homeschoolers, Harvard University in the US and Oxford University in England I was told send out recruiter looking for homeschoolers. We have not been on a vacation in about 8 yrs as this type of parenting can only be done with one parent at home=one income earner, but this is a chioce and it is our choice. Thanks for being this Kind of Mom Erin at least now I don’t feel alone
I remember that too! Gosh was that really that long ago! You are certainly welcome to include any part of my story! I read at apmultiples still too!
Kerri,
Thanks for your comment! I remember you from yahoo group apmultiples. I remember once writing you about how I admired you and would love to visit some day. I remember when Declan was born! We never made it out your way (hopefully someday) and I haven’t been on apmultiples for awhile (except to link this blog the other day), I have to go more often, it was such a wonderful support for me in the first few years of the twins.
I will be writing a post about unschooling and I would love to include some of your story if that’s OK.
Check back for the unschooling post, hopefully I’ll have it up by Thursday!
Thanks again for commenting, I love it.
Hi Erin….looks great!
I’ve been parenting for a while now. My oldest is in her twenties and my youngest biological child is seven. Plus there are 5 in between including my set of identical twin girls. I also am a foster parent and have had eleven stay with us for at least one year and now have 4, including a set of twin boys! Yes that is 11 altogether!
My first 3 were born in the hospital with a British mid-wife who became a Dr. in Canada so she could legally catch babies. My births were great, natural vaginal births with no interventions & I was home in less than 24 hours. My son was born at home with a “legal” mid-wife after a 2 hour labour. He nursed through my twin pregnancy until the last couple of weeks where my milk didn’t exist and my belly was too big to accomodate another person! The OB was concerned I couldn’t possibly provide enough nutrients to nurse and build two babies. I just ate more! My twins were born in the hospital at 38 weeks and 2 days. The OB said I would never go that far as I was too tiny & I would have to have the babies by 36 weeks as I would run out of room. Well I started at 104 lbs (5 ft 4inches tall & very high metabolism) and gained over 50 lbs and had my almost 6lb and almost 8lb (bigger than 2 of my 41 week singletons) babies “over-due” but naturally in a birthing room without interventions during the birth. I had to fight for every “not policy” but won the battle in the end. My babies never went to NICU. They were born at 6am ( 2 hrs after getting to the hospital) and I was home with them that evening. The twins then nursed through my next pregnancy and tandem nursed with their new brother. He was born at home at almost 42 weeks and weighed 9lbs, 2oz! My oldest daughter cried, she said I gave birth to a toddler, not a baby! Our nursing relationship was a mutual decision, but by 6 years old for the twins they stopped due to sibilng pressure! Mind you the still snuck on with me thinking it was their brother. He also nursed till over six. My first chose to wean at 19 months! The rest were in between.
We unschool. My oldest chose to start school in grade 9 and was an honour student and also belonged to the curling team, did school plays & other volunteer work. My second started in grade nine but it was not her cup of tea. She felt she would learn better at home. Her learning issues are a whole other topic. My third girl decided to start school in grade 8 where she won the Beta Sigma Phi Citizenship Award for her volunteer work within the school as well as her honesty and integrity. My fourth chose to go to grade 8 and won the Lioness Club Award for volunteering not only in the school but also in the community. The children need to show empathy, kindness, respect to others both fellow students and teachers. Isn’t it interesting that out of all those other students who had been in that school for several years that my children were chosen for the award. They are now both in high-school. My oldest has received several school awards. She hit a bump in the road with a boy in her life and I now have a grandson. My daughter is very responsible and did all she could to give him the care he deserves. She owns her own house and car took courses through an alternative high-school to get her diploma. She is no longer with the dad, and that is best. She is now in her first year of college to get her Nursing Degree. My second is working very hard at having a career with her first love…horses. My third has won school awards, including top marks in her math class…..yes we are still talking kids who were unschooled for many years. My other biological children are currently learning at home.
A huge concern is always socialization. My kids are more socialized then most schooled children. They spend time with people of all ages in their activities, not only with their same age peers. They attended LLL meetings for years and did gymnastics and play groups and homeschooling groups. Twelve years ago we got into more activities as they were available in our new community. The twins & youngest did some modelling. They all curl and the older ones coach younger children. The older ones play on adult teams and have been asked to travel with teams with much older adults. Why because they are good curlers and because they are fun to socialize with! They have also gotten into horse back riding and we now have 3 horses. Three of them competed for a while, now only the 2nd oldest is interested in competing, though the others still ride. They do dressage and jumping and cross-country. They have also become involved in musical theatre and have been in several productions. They also help with make-up, hair, set, lighting, sound, etc. They work with younger children and have been in productions with adults in their 80’s. They also do dance classes and a couple are doing art classes this year.
The most interesting remarks are how social my kids are and how they can carry on an “intelligent” conversation with anyone of any age. Their school teachers LOVE them. The students ask them how it is that they know so much. When my oldest started grade 9 she was the only one in her class who knew how to use the micro-scope an in turn she helped the teacher teach the other students how to use one. She also had corrected the teacher on some incorrect information in regards to plants. My children are surprised at how much more general information they know that their fellow students do not.
The other interesting remark is that people are surprised when they realize my kids are siblings. They said they are surprised because they all actually like each other! Also they work amazingly well together, but also assimilate others very easily into their team. They work well with other people, no matter what their age.
Jen wrote: “Just like when they one day go to work our kids experience a variety of social situations, people they like and don’t, how to work within a a structured environment, different teaching styles, more effective/less effective leaders, compromise, team work, thinking outside their “world”, etc, etc. Education is such a gift and our school system, in my opinion as well as in global research, is one of the best. Why would you not utilize it? Kids learn at home and direct this every minute outside of school so I don’t understand how being at home full-time directing one’s own learning is in anyway reflective of the reality of living as a productive member of society as an adult. I would love to hear why you think unschooling is a better option.” Jen done
Unschooling doesn’t mean there is no structure. Compromise is constantly occuring within a family and the activities they are involved in, especially in a family of our size, but it still occurred when we were a smaller family. The reality of living is that my unschooled children are incredibly independent learners. Unlike many of their fellow classmates. Just last week I was told this by every single teacher of my two high-school attending children! My children learned how to use the library, the old-fashioned way & using a computer. They learned how to use a variety of reading material as well as the inter-net to find information and then how to use it. They learned to learn from others by talking to them about horses, acting, set design, and so on. They learned they can learn even more by “doing”. Like my daughter using our micro-scopes or disecting the dead grouse in our yard & comparing it to the human body books. My children are more productive members of society then MOST adults are! They choose to volunteer more hours (even the ones in school) than most adults I know. They enjoy being helpful!
I am in no way saying that unschooling or homeschooling is a “better” option for anyone else. I am just saying it was a better option for our family.
I was a Research Assistant many years ago. I was doing research with language and pre-schoolers. I decided I didn’t want my children to be in a pre-school. These were well run with professionals. But not what I wanted for my children. Then I worked in the school board and decided I didn’t think I wanted them in school for the first few years either!
I don’t have time to go back & check spelling or grammar as I have been spending the whole time going back & forth with my special needs foster boys.
I am not the least bit offending Jen and I am sure you had not intent to do so anyways. I just want people to know what one family’s unschooling experience is like.
Gotta go make lunch out here in very rural Ontario!
Kerri, mom to A (g-20), E (g-18), M(g-16), J (b-13), S & C (id twin g-10), T (b-7), foster mom to M(10), S(8), G & T (twin b-4) & grandma to Declan (b-2)
Erin…I am still hoping you’ll write a post…because I don’t think a lot of people know anything about it. From my point of you, I worry that unschoolers do their children a disservice by not allowing them to make this choice for themselves. If you don’t have any formal schooling, what are you setting your child up for a future of? What can you do, career-wise, these days if you do not have a high school diploma? I mean, it’s a lovely lovely idea to want to spend more time with your children when they are young…wouldn’t we all!??!?! BUT, it seems kind of like a selfish decision…when your children come back to you because they CAN’T be what they want to be because they had no formal schooling. If you (and not YOU, per se…YOU collectively) want your children around you more etc. then why not consider homeschool, which, even though they don’t go to SCHOOL, they are still required to meet curriculum guidelines and meet state or provincial requirements so that they CAN go on to careers, etc.
Oh, one more thing. I firmly believe in public education as and equalizer and as prepartation for life and citizenship. I just don’t think everyone HAS to utilize it.
I’m in for Hillside! For sure.
I tend to overthink things. I’m working on that.
I’ll definitely write a post on unschooling. Just briefly, my reasons include spending time with them when they are young, and learning based on their own interests. I probably wouldn’t be an “all out” unschooler but I like the idea. It’s moot anyway though since I can’t do it.
I do think we have an excellent school system overall, second in the world, after Finland (and I’m very interested in the Finnish system, considering a Masters degree related to it). But, it varies based on where you live (city, town, even neighbourhood) to some degree. That’s not due to quality of teaching but often background knowledge of the kids and fundraising for field trips.
I will have to tread carefully if I write about education (as you can imagine), so it may take me a little while to craft that post.
Thanks for all your responses. I’ve definitely relaxed a lot over the past four years. And maybe I should stop researching so much! One friend of mine told me that her philosophy was to not read any parenting books and do what felt right…not a bad idea…not sure if I can let go that much though!
Hmmm. I never thought too much about this. I guess I always just felt that I wanted to parent like my parents. I wanted my kids to feel loved, respected, accepted and even admired. And I wanted them to give these things too. I feel confident that we are doing this.
As for school, I personally believe that the school system is very important for our kids. I am surprised as a teacher that you feel differently? Just like when they one day go to work our kids experience a variety of social situations, people they like and don’t, how to work within a a structured environment, different teaching styles, more effective/less effective leaders, compromise, team work, thinking outside their “world”, etc, etc. Education is such a gift and our school system, in my opinion as well as in global research, is one of the best. Why would you not utilize it? Kids learn at home and direct this every minute outside of school so I don’t understand how being at home full-time directing one’s own learning is in anyway reflective of the reality of living as a productive member of society as an adult. I would love to hear why you think unschooling is a better option.
Just like with anything, I try not to think too hard about what I am doing and parent too consciously but do what comes naturally with confidence. Not perfect but effective!
I’m not very crunchy at all… but I want to raise my kids to be thoughtful, respectful people, and it starts from when they’re small, I figure. I cooked pretty much everything they ate (still eat!) from scratch – I never did buy any baby foods, except for the cereals, but that’s mostly due to lifestyle and finances. We don’t eat out often, but I don’t mind McDonalds (or the like) when we do, because it’s a once-in-a-while thing.
I try to get them to be as autonomous as possible for their ages and stages. They help tidy up, put away groceries, put clothes in hamper, feed the dog. I want them to be aware of what it takes to live a life, and that the person doing the lions-share is the MOTHER not the MAID. To be thankful for meals. Not to waste water. Easy on the junk food.
And their beds are their own. I’m really happy to have a bed of my own – it’s good for the marriage too, I think.
I’m so glad you seem to be raising your daughters (mostly) the way you’d envisioned, Erin! Good for you!!
i’m in the same boat. I’m doing pretty well, though I wish ariadne ate less sugar and watch less videos on youtube (her dad let’s her play with hte ipad all the time). however, we can’t be perfect and as long as we do the best we can we’re doing a-ok.
Sounds like you’re doing a great job momma!!
UNSCHOOLING?
Really?
Will you maybe write a post for us about unschooling? Maybe I don’t really understand it enough? I would LOVE to hear your thoughts!!
I wanted to be laid back and not change my lifestyle that much….
How did I do?
Well…..I think I’m heading back to the doctor to go back on anti-anxiety meds I was on during my post partum….BUT we did go to his first music festival before he was one….AND we returned last year!
So hey – I figure it splits my success down the middle…
Come to Hillside with us next year!!!
Well said Gail. I totally agree with you.
Since I was 36 when my girls were born, and I had to go through fertility treatments, I had lots of time to develop a “philosophy”. Also, I a researcher, I research everything, including parenting. I think I own about 40 parenting books.
So to apply that to my post, I would educate my girls about toxins (when they’re older) and how to eat and live so that they can minimize their exposure. I would also educate them about nutrition so that they can make healthy choices on their own. I know that they will make plenty of unhealthy choices, but hopefully, by the time they are feeding themselves and their own families, they will mostly be eating healthfully.
I may be a Virgo, but I didn’t really analyze what kind of Mom I would be before I had my four kids. I remember thinking I didn’t want them eating candy or sugared cereal and I didn’t want my boys to have toy guns. I found out that I didn’t have total control – that extended family members may feed them food you wouldn’t – and, even a stick of spaghetti can become an imaginary gun!
What I decided after seeing a presentation by an amazing psychologist from Ottawa on “Raising Resilient Children” – was that I would make it a priority to raise my children with a sense of hope for the future.
One point that she made during the presentation was that our jobs as parents is to prepare our children to stand on their own two feet by the time they become adults. Her math on the process was to consider this scenario. When a baby is born it is up to us as their parents to care for him/her/them :o) 100%. Year by year, bit by bit, it is our job to give them the skills they need to help them to grow into strong, self-sufficient human beings, capable of handling adversity and life’s challenges. The goal is to change that balance year by year, so that when they turn 20 they are capable of standing on their own two feet, being 100% responsible for themselves.
You can’t quite think in terms of handing off 5% per year – but, it’s kind of that way – and if you try to remember to think about how important this is to their future you will understand the big picture of what our jobs are as parents.